Sister wants me to be in her bridal party but IDK if I should- Advice needed!

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I can sympathize with your anxiety and what seems like a bit of a hurtful past with your family, however you must decide between allowing yourself to hold onto this anxiety and possibly miss out on a great opportunity or allowing yourself to be in the moment and enjoy the day and experiences that come with it.

As a person with anxiety I can also understand your feelings regarding being the outsider but, from my experience, all these feelings really do is hold you back and keep you in a cycle of fear. Same goes with the expectations of judgment from your family. Perhaps you should seek counseling if you haven’t already – a therapist can be a great outlet for your feelings and can give you some great tools on how to deal with what seems to be some toxic people in your life. 

I think your sister asked you to be part of the Bridal Party because she wants you to be part of her day, and I do think she is being generous in allowing you to wear what you’re most comfortable in. I think that is a pretty significant accomodation to make. I’m sorry if this sounds rude, but it is her day, so realistically she can only give so much until things get out of control. I think she’d much rather have you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man than a videographer, and I don’t think she has ulterior motives. If she really didn’t like you and thought that little of you and your appearance, I don’t think she’d bother asking you. Her “uneven sides” comment just seems like it came out of stress – she’s been planning this out a certain way and suddenly it changed. The point is: Don’t let negative thoughts fester in your mind. You can’t read her mind or control how she acts. You can only control yourself.

The decision is ultimately up to you, but please don’t risk jeopardizing your relationship with your sister or having a good time because of things like anxiety, stress, and negative self talk. 

Post # 18
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I can see how it could feel like she doesn’t want you there, but on the flip side I also see reasons she does want you there; she probably has other friends she could ask if it were to just even out the bridesmaids, since you had more of a parental role she might not wanted to have burdened you with being Maid/Matron of Honor,etc. Honestly I think its up to you, I don’t think it would be selfish if you decided that not participating was best for your mental health and boundaries, and if you’re already leaning towards it thats probably your answer,but I also know if I was in the brides situation of having absent parents it would mean a lot to have my older sister there.

My other suggestion would be to also think about offering to be videographer. I know its super tempting to try to be of help when you have a specialty that can save money, but if you’re already having concerns about family dynamics and drama it might be a good idea to keep firm boundaries (just in case there should be a malfunction like you mentioned above)Maybe you make the couple a highlight reel as a gift still, but not be a videographer that theyre able to further criticize or depend on?

Post # 19
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

staygold :  you said throughout your growing up she said those things to you. Has she since she’s been an adult? I understand how you were older so you remember the comments and they hurt you. But if she was a child or adolescent then I’m not sure you should hold that against her for her entirel life. Unless she still says these things – then disregard this comment! 

How many years are between you guys? Just curious. 

Post # 20
146 posts
Blushing bee

staygold :  your reasons are absolutely not petty! Your sister’s reason for wanting you in her wedding is vain and you are under no obligation to comply! Family relationships are complicated and old hurts don’t just go away because you’ve all “grown up”. Good for you for doing what makes you comfortable and standing your ground. 

Post # 21
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

staygold :  It’s easy for an outsider to say your reasons for not wanting to be in the bridal party are petty since they haven’t experienced the hurt and anxiety you have experienced over the years. Emotional pain and anxiety are no joke and are more complex than what many think. I’ve been there and done that and it’s not something you can just “suck up” to appease someone else.

Given your reasons, I, honestly, would not be in her bridal party. It will put too much stress/anxiety on you and you will not be able to enjoy the wedding. With that said, I also would not be the videographer. I know you have a talent and want to help, but when a friend/family member becomes a vendor, a lot of unnecessary drama can (and in most cases, does) arise. I have a feeling you would be harshly critiqued on everything involving it and would still not enjoy the wedding. Go there as a guest to support your sister. That will take the stress and burden off of you.

I hope it all works out for you, Bee!

Post # 22
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

staygold :  Don’t listen to pp who flat out said “you’re being petty.” We have a troll on this forum laughing

I would be delighted for a loved one to take the time to be my videographer. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind not to be in the wedding party and you’ve already told your sister that you won’t be in the party. Make her video, make it beautiful, and don’t lose the memory card. She will realize later that you gave her a priceless gift!

Post # 23
2702 posts
Sugar bee

staygold :  Wow, I’m sorry!! Is she a lot younger than you and was just being immature at the time? Do you feel like you could have a serious conversation with her about how you feel re: being in the wedding?

Post # 24
11647 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Your sister is going that thing people do until they learn better, which is to give more to people who withhold or gave them less. You were the parental figure, so you’re getting taken for granted. 

Still, overall your anxiety combined with the comments about your looks and her not really having a good reason to want you as her bridesmaid other than to even out her numbers and help her plan things, I think your suggestion is a perfect gesture. 

You can video the wedding, thereby escaping from scrutiny, not having people star at you, and still supporting your sister in a big way. Hopefully you can impart what a gift of money and time this will be, so she can appreciate where you are coming from. 

After all, if not you, she won’t have a video. 

Re the backups, just back up everything throughout the process. Plan to do that now so you don’t generate more anxiety for yourself.

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