Sister will pay for me/daughter to fly to her wedding but not wife. Advice?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
  • poll: What is the fair outcome here?
    Sister finds a way to get your wife there likes it or not : (31 votes)
    27 %
    Your sister isn's being unfair to choose her godparents and friends over her sister in law : (82 votes)
    73 %
  • Post # 121
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    franklymydearidont :  So if these are nonrefundable tickets and have already been purchased, and OP originally replied he and Dear Daughter were going, would you still tell OP not to go? 

    Post # 122
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    galina90 :  And the action to deliberately exclude SIL/wife/mom at this point should have the consequence of the entire family not going.

    Nowhere did I read that the SIL/wife/mom is hoping for a free overseas holiday. The brother/husband/dad made the post.

    And you really don’t have enough information to call the SIL/wife/mom a spoiled brat (unlike the OP and his sister, who are both behaving like brats). We don’t know anything about the SIL/wife/mom other than that she is married to OP, dislikes OP’s sister, and wants to be included in this family gathering.

    Your bias is strong.

    Post # 123
    Member
    1890 posts
    Buzzing bee

    hermionepadme :  Exactly. Sister made so many choices that singled out OP’s wife in an attempt to exclude her and make her feel unwelcome. It is rude and disrespectful to treat someone like that who’s a member of your family and the mother of the child you want to have as your flower girl. I don’t care what went down between them, you don’t treat your sister-in-law like that.

    If she really didn’t want her at the wedding, she should have come right out and not invited her, not pulled this passive-aggressive BS.

    Post # 124
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    You don’t get to make it “clear” you dislike your spouses sister for the years you have known them to the point that sister feels weird and uncomfortable in your presence……. then expect that same sister to treat you as immediate family and want to move mountains and pay over $1k to have you at their wedding. It doesn’t work like that. Respect is earned, not something you get automatically given and retain regardless of your behaviour just because you’re shagging someone’s brother. 

    Post # 125
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    franklymydearidont :  If the SIL orignally declined invite, and is now angry, and wants to go, she seems immature to me.

    Post # 126
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    juanita.kelly.9 :  I also think the way they tried to manipulate the sister into paying for the wife and criticised her for how she chooses to spend her money = bratty.

    Post # 127
    Member
    2076 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    “So in the situation where the wife has bullied the sister and caused the rift from her bullting and resentful, it still doesn’t matter and the sister is obligated to tolerate and want the presence of a bully at her wedding in order to have her brother and niece present? Maybe they are a ‘unit’ but that doesn’t mean someone should be forced to welcome a b*tchy bully at their wedding.” 

    Wait, who said the wife bullied the sister? It sounded like they disliked and ignored each other, but that’s all we know. Absent pretty severe behavior from the wife, the sister is obligated to welcome his brother’s wife to her wedding if she is inviting her brother and her niece. She is not obligated to pay for any of them, although paying for all immediate family except the wife  and not including her in the accomodations is a deliberate and ugly snub. She clearly did not want the wife to attend. In that case, she needed to exclude her brother and neice as well.

     

    Post # 128
    Member
    2076 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    “So in the situation where the wife has bullied the sister and caused the rift from her bullting and resentful, it still doesn’t matter and the sister is obligated to tolerate and want the presence of a bully at her wedding in order to have her brother and niece present? Maybe they are a ‘unit’ but that doesn’t mean someone should be forced to welcome a b*tchy bully at their wedding.” 

    Wait, who said the wife bullied the sister? It sounded like they disliked and ignored each other, but that’s all we know. Absent pretty severe behavior from the wife, the sister is obligated to welcome his brother’s wife to her wedding if she is inviting her brother and her niece. She is not obligated to pay for any of them, although paying for all immediate family except the wife  and including her in the accomodations is a deliberate and ugly snub. She clearly did not want the wife to attend. In that case, she needed to exclude her brother and neice as well.

     

    Post # 129
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    hermionepadme :  ” However, it is CLEAR that the sister has definitely made every attempt possible to NOT include the wife and make this as difficult for them as possible. I mean, who considers splitting up a family? Why would she even SUGGEST that the wife needs her own hotel. She should have just said that the family needs to get their own accommodations because she can’t fit them in the apartment. The family is a UNIT. I would never think to just leave out a family member. I would never say, “Hey brother, I have room for you, but your wife needs to stay in a separate hotel.” That sounds ridiculous.

    Bottom line. I don’t think the sister is very nice, but in all fairness, she tried really hard not to be. But did the sister break any rules? No. She included the wife and made it clear she would need her own plane ticket and accommodations. If the OP’s family was okay with that, there would have been no problem. But because the OP originally turned down the invite, the sister took that lucky opportunity from heaven and ran with it as and excuse to not include her at all. “

    THIS. RIGHT HERE. Is what I have been trying to say all along, you just worded it so much better.

    juanita.kelly.9 :  There’s no poing in speculating if the tickets have been bought or are refundable, but I wouldn’t go.

    Post # 130
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    mimivac :  I’m talking about a hypothetical situatio where someone is a bully but still expected to be treated as a guest of honour because they happen to be married to the brother. 

    I disagree she needed to exclude the beloved niece just because her mother makes her feel like crap.

    Post # 131
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    mimivac :  The SIL is not immediate family to the bride.  If the SIL were paying for a different SIL or Brother-In-Law to come, then that would be a deliberate exclusion.  Paying for parents/siblings does not mean you are required to pay for their spouses.

    Post # 132
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    juanita.kelly.9 :  This.

    I would not in a millio years expect my FH’s siblings to pay for me to attend their weddings, even if they were offering to pay for my FH. HE is their sibling and immediate family. I am not.

    Post # 133
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    peridot456 :  She is a member of the brother’s family but not hers…..not when she treats her awfully.

    Post # 134
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    mimivac :  I agree with you.

    Also, This thread is veering into ugly territory.

    I hope the OP finds a solution that works for them and heals the rift between his sister and him.

     

    ETA–FWIW, generally first-degree relatives, including step/half-relatives, adopted relatives, AND in-laws (ex. Father-In-Law, Mother-In-Law, Brother-In-Law, SIL) ARE considered immediate family. 

    I know one of the posters disagrees, but in general a Brother-In-Law and SIL are and should rightly be considered immediate family.

    Post # 135
    Member
    3867 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    galina90 :  I don’t think there’s any point in arguing my stance on this with you further because you are making broad assumptions and then arguing them as if they are facts. For whatever reason, you seem to have taken the side of the sister quite ardently and keep adding in these made up facts about the OP’s wife that you can’t possibly know unless you are a direct part of this family.

    However, I will again say this: 

    The way in which OP’s sister stated that the wife was not getting her trip paid for can really influence how they feel about it. For example, if the sister approached them and said, “Hey, Fiance and I are paying for everything and we really want you guys to be there, but we can’t afford to pay for all three of your tickets. We can afford to pay for your ticket and niece’s ticket. Could you guys manage the rest?” versus, “We are paying for everyone’s tickets except Wife’s.” The implications there are much different. There’s the difference between we can’t afford to pay for everyone and we are choosing who to pay for and wife is not part of that group. Also, as I said in my original statement that his sister offering to pay for his trip and the niece’s should have freed up a good chunk of money. However, the way in which she presented this information to the couple has a lot to do with how they react to it. Are they entitled to anything? No, but if the sister is offering to pay for several other people, it’s utterly bizarre that she would pay for her parents as a unit, her aunt and uncle as a unit, but not her brother and wife as a unit. Further, when someone offered to pay their own way, instead of reaching out to her brother and offer it to the wife, she offered it to her friends instead. Within her right to do so, but it doesn’t help her case that she really wants the wife to be there. 

    I still find it bizarre that she can accomodate every single person in the apartment, but not his wife. It does feel as if she is making it purposely exlcuding so that the wife is not welcome. I don’t know how you treat the spouses of your siblings, but in my family, that would not fly. I don’t care how you want to spin this: entitlement, resentment, etc. The fact of the matter is that the sister made arrangements to provide accomodations for everyone except the wife. She would be the only person who could not “fit” in the apartment. Yes, that is being purposely exclusive.

    Again, though, you seem to be staunchly against OP and are making bizarre assumptions on the part of his wife, so enjoy that.

    juanita.kelly.9 :  You misunderstand my use of the word “support.” Anyone who attends your wedding is supporting you and your spouse as a couple. They are showing their support by showing up on the day you make a very important commitment to one another. So, to try and alienate the spouse of her sibling while asking him to attend her wedding and support her relationship is unnacceptable. However, you and galina90 ^^^ seem to think OP is being unreasonable that his sister is completely in the right. And like I said above, I don’t know how either of you treat the spouses of your siblings, but what his sister is doing is making it appear as if the wife is not welcome, which should be unnacceptable to a normal person. 

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors