Sister/MOH failed on her duties over BF?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Okay, so there is a lot to unpack here. But in summary before I dive in, yes, I think you should try to repair things. And I think you should apologize to her, but it sounds like you might not be ready for that right now.

First of all, (and this is my assuming) I would guess that your sister has never been a big planner and type A person. So to assign her a task and expect so much of her was setting yourself up for disaster. Ultimately, a bridesmaid and Maid of Honor is just that–an honor. Not a job to delegate tasks. Your bridal party may offer to help, but there shouldn’t be a demand. If you had wanted a bachelorette party, you should have asked your sister if she wanted to plan one, and if not, maybe ask your other bridal party members.

Second, people have a right to not want their photo on social media. I assume you have plenty of other lovely photos you posted that didn’t include her.

And last, you don’t have to love her boyfriend, but if you want your sister in your life, you need to support her even when you think she’s making a mistake. I get it–it’s hard watching someone you love make poor choices. I’m not fond of my brother’s manipulative and emotional controlling girlfriend. But I love my brother and I want him in my life. So I will be there for him during this, and I will be there for him if they end. But I’ll still be there for him if they don’t end. Being there for someone doesn’t mean you agree with them–it just means you love them more than dislike their mistakes.

I do get why you’re annoyed and I think I would feel similarly if this was raw. Of course your feelings are valid, especially if she was moody that day and brought you down. But ultimately my opinion is coming from the place of a bigger picture. You might even read this and think I just don’t get it, or that you had every right to expect those things from your sister–but take some time to think over the responses you get here, marinate on the advice, and try to think over if you really want to cut your sister out of your life for something like this.

Best of luck, Bee.

Post # 3
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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CloverBells :  <<< what she said 

Post # 5
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

 

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CloverBells :  “if you want your sister in your life, you need to support her even when you think she’s making a mistake”

No, you definitely don’t have to support someone who may be making a grave mistake, nor SHOULD you. The way you’ve said this suggests a few things: 1. that her sister actually ISN’T making a mistake and OP just THINKS she’s making a mistake and 2. that having her sister in her life means sacrificing her obligation to say “You’re dating a douchebag.” 

I refuse to support people who’re engaging in harmful behavior, and if that means they get so pissy with me that they act like children and give me the cold shoulder, bummer. HOWEVER, I will say that an (not “the”) appropriate brand of “refusal to support” is through honest and patient conversation. OP, if you truly feel that her boyfriend is bad news (and he sounds like a moocher from what you’ve said), then you should have an open, compassionate, and mature discussion about it. She may take what you say to heart; she may not. But I’m firmly of the mind that loving someone doesn’t mean we overlook their potentially harmful (perhaps fatally so) choices. Nevertheless, if you explain your position with an attitude of kindness and compassion, she’s more likely to keep you in her life while you’ve at least planted a seed of doubt in her about her choices. 

Now, OP, as for your sister’s behavior about your wedding. So everyone is going to tell you (cue the Bees) that NO ONE is required or obligated by duty to do a damn thing for your wedding, including your family or bridal party members. And it’s basically true: they’re neither required nor obligated. As such, your sister not offering to help is, well, perfectly reasonable and acceptable (according to this website). Now, since you ASKED her to make a reservation and she SAID that she would, then you have a legitimate grievance there, and her not following through was flaky. 

But here’s my suspicion: Her boyfriend is a total turd, and deep down she knows it. C’mon, you KNOW she knows it. People only get super defensive about something when they KNOW, deep down, that the criticism is true. So her boyfriend is a mooch and completely lacks dignity, and she’s jealous that you (I have to assume, here) have a man who is marriage-worthy and legit. So she’s taking that out on YOU instead of admitting to herself that she chose a douchebag. 

She’ll figure it out in her own time. Give her some space for a week or so, and then slowly repair the relationship. 

Post # 7
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

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DeniseSecunda :  Totally agree with this. Would you support someone’s choice to stay with an abusive partner and watch them get dragged down deeper and deeper into misery?

Being supportive in helping their efforts to get away from the bad stuff / bad people and letting them know that they’re safe to seek help from you, you’re telling them what you think but also here to support them if they change their mind, no judgement, no “I told you so”, is being supportive to me.

And I agree with planting the seed of doubt. Sometimes that’s the final push that triggers them to leave or things you said will pop up in their head when it comes time to make a decision. They might be all defensive and refuse to listen at the time but trust me, they hear you and they remember. Happened to me all the time when my dad used to tell me stuff about my ex’s and I realised he’s right later on and sometimes that was the push I needed. 

As for the wedding, I think that’s a different issue. I kinda didn’t get why you didn’t let the friend who suggested the bachelorette do the planning? Anyway is your sister just not a planner? Were expectations communicated at the start when you asked her to be your MOH? I must admit I would be fine with planning my own stuff but would suck at taking initiative to plan things for others.

Post # 8
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper

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DeniseSecunda :  +1000

Everything she said. You knew your sister was all about her herself and her douche boyfriend, so assigning her tasks wasn’t a great idea on your part. If she had volunteered, fine. But otherwise it’s obvious that she has no room in her life for anyone other than the douchebag and you cant change her. I watched my sister marry a succession of losers, but hey, it’s her life.

I think it’s likely thatshe’s jealous of you but won’t admit it, so it’s come out in other ways, such as not stepping up for your wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

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DeniseSecunda :  I guess I should clarify what I meant by support. I don’t believe support is a blind “Yes, he’s great for you! When’s the wedding?” statement. And if OP doesn’t want to overlook her sister’s mistakes, of course she doesn’t have to. My advice was if she wanted her sister in her life. If she doesn’t, then by all means she doesn’t have to. But the sister has made it clear that she won’t listen to people bashing her boyfriend right now, as she is the one who stopped talking to OP because of it.

Support to me is just being there and continuing to love them. It’s okay to share how we feel about their situation (which OP has clearly done many times) but at some point, we have to accept that people are their own person and need to figure things out for themselves. OP’s sister has already broken up with the guy once, so the seed of doubt is planted.

Like I said, it sucks watching someone we love make mistakes. I told my brother upfront the list of A-Z why he shouldn’t be with his girlfriend. And not only did he still decide to stay, but he started distancing himself from me. So I support him now. If he confides in me about issues, I’m honest with how I feel and repeat that he knows how I feel. But I don’t tell him that I won’t hear another word about her and that she’s not allowed in my life. Because then I would lose him too.

Finally to add, if he was TRULY harmful and abusive in an extreme sense (physically or emotionally or detrimental financially) then my support would he more forceful. But OP didn’t imply this. He’s an asshole no doubt, but OP didn’t imply her sister was in danger.

Post # 10
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

Ok, so your sister is 33 and still lives at home, has a boyfriend that is awful. Trust me she KNOWS her life isn’t going so great. I gurantee you she is aware that she is 33 and living at home and feels like a loser. (Speaking from experience when I was 30 and still lived at home I felt like a gigantic loser and it motivated me to move out and move to another coast and get another job and now I live on my own and am completely self sufficient. I know how crappy it feels to live at home at that age) 

Your sister probably just couldn’t find it in her to get excited for your wedding because her own life sucks. It is sad that she couldn’t rally for your big day but if you love her I think you should feel compassion for her. Even if her life being not great is a result of her own actions it is tough. I remember being in a similar place and I was trying so hard to figure out my life that it was all i could focus on. I have a feeling that she wasn’t present for your wedding because she was jealous, and maybe a bit depressed about how her life is going at the moment. She knows her boyfriend isn’t even close to proposing, probably knows he is awful and their relationship isn’t going anywhere. I think she is in a rut and acting out. 

My best friend from high school is being not excited for me and my relationship currently and it really got me down and angry but I realized its just jealousy on her part. it now just makes me sad and I know that I need to do everything I can to make sure my BFF is involved in the process of my new relationship so that we don’t get to a wedding in the future and she feels no connection to the process. I drifted apart from my other good friend Danielle right when she got into a serious relationship a few years ago and then tried to be friends again right before her wedding and I just felt so disconnected. I don’t want that to happen with me and my BFF from high school, so I know that I need to put in the work to make us ok. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. 

Your sister will grow up, she will be ok, and maybe by the time you have a kid she will re engage more with your life and celebrate it with you. For now just be supportive, you don’t have to tell her you won’t listen to her talk about her current boyfriend, just dont allow her to go on and on about it to you. I learned a few years ago that you don’t always have to tell someone what you are doing, you can just do it and set up those boundaries without annoucing you are doing so. Makes things more harmonious. 

I also just wanted to add, relationships have ups and downs. Some siblings don’t connect until they are adults. You have a long life ahead of you. Try to remember that years from now the two of you might both have kids and have a great relationship bonding over those kids and sharing that experience. It might be a bit rough now, but don’t forget that could all change in the future and you wouldn’t want to lose out on that because of where your sister is in her life at this moment. My mom always reminds me that when she and my dad pass I will have my brother and I will want him in my life. Think it is important sometimes to remember the long term. 

Post # 11
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

People disappoint us in life. If they’re people that we love, I think it’s important to forgive them. 

Truthfully if she posted on here I think we’d get a different version of events in which she says you’ve disappointed her – which isn’t to say your side is wrong, but we all see things from a different perspective. They say love is blind for a reason. When you love someone, you overlook their faults and don’t see reason. It’s okay that you voiced your opinion about her boyfriend because you were concerned for her. But she isn’t ready to break up with him, so I would give her the space to figure out he’s a jerk for himself now.

 

Post # 14
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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is102017 :  your sister sounds like a f*cking mess. And her boyfriend is a POS loser. Being her sister you have every right to feel the way you feel. And you’re probably one of the only people in the world who can tell her how you really feel if she asked. 

The problem is you want to support your sister but not enable the bad behavior and the bad relationship. Which puts you in a hard place. Because I’m guessing wherever she goes, POS bf goes along with her. Oy. 

I would just do my best to distance myself from any complaints she has about her relationship, ‘Jimmy did this again’. ‘Sis, you know I don’t agree about you and Jimmy being together. Let’s just talk about X instead’. If she asks you why, tell her your reasons which are all completely valid. He’s a mooch for 1. 

Honestly, you can’t control her behavior. And the way she behaved around your wedding and on your wedding day is just a reflection on her. Not on you. So even though it sucks that your sister is being immature and not taking responsibility for her poor choices in life, that is NOT on you. 

I would just establish some healthy boundaries with her. I would apologize for giving unwanted advice but I wouldn’t apologize for your opinion about her choice in boyfriends. 

It sounds like your sis is deeply insecure and feels like she has to ‘buy love’. Which is really sad. Maybe just reaching out to her letting her know you love her and you’re there for her will make her feel better and help repair the relationship. But that’s all. I wouldn’t kill myself for someone so self centered. 

Good luck Bee. 

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