(Closed) Sisters as MOH are Terrors, remove them?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

taliat92:  Yikes, how old are you sisters? They sound like spoiled brats. I would sit them down and have a come to jesus talk about how they are totally ruining this experience for you and you would love for them to chill the f*ck out and be normal human beings

I think asking them to step down would be really bad for your relationship, and would save that as an absolute last resort. I would just demote them in my head and ignore them if they couldnt get their shit together

Some people just need to make every single situation about themselves. Or maybe they haven’t ever been in a wedding and just don’t get it? IDK but try talking to them and lay it all out there. Maybe that will help

Post # 3
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

taliat92:  I don’t understand how you’re sooo much more laid back than them yet….. you’re dictating how they wear their hair and makeup, what color shoes they wear, color of dress, what they can/cannot have on their heads, how involved they should be in the planning of the wedding and your shower, etc.

I totally understand picking dress color/shoe color and everything but I don’t think you can really say you’re “oh so chill” if you really won’t allow them to wear what they want. If they are MOH’s I don’t see anything wrong with letting them stand out a little from the rest of the bridal party. I also don’t like when brides tell their BM’s they have to have “natural” hair and makeup. Let them look how they want to look! For example: I’m a jersey girl and I like my hair teased regularly. If someone told me I had to be in a wedding, in the spotlight, and photographed with ‘natural’ (read: flat) hair, I’d be very uncomfortable.

I also don’t understand why BMs have to constantly ask how planning is going and be all into it. I don’t think my Maid/Matron of Honor asked once if I needed help with anything and I never expected her to do anything either. Why would she help plan my wedding? That’s what Darling Husband was for.

Post # 4
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

taliat92:  You’re nice thaan I am. I would have given them the “I’m trying to be flexible and you are taking advantage. Now you do it my way or you can step down from your position” talk already. Its your day. You aren’t controlling them, you are giving them guidlelines that they dont want to follow. If they don’t want to follow them then they can step down. Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

SoonAsYouCan:  I am a pretty laid back person, but I was a little more picky when it came to my wedding. A lot of brides choose the hair/makeup style and shoes. You don’t want one person wearing bright blue shoes when the rest are wearing nude or with crazy makeup or hair. I wouldn’t want one of my BMs to draw attention away from me or the other BMs. She isn’t supposed to be the center of attention!

BeeFearless:  

What some of my friends have done is had their sisters wear a slightly different color dress than the rest of the BMs to help them TASTEFULLY stand out a little, but not too much.

I see a lot of posts that Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs don’t have to check in on how planning is going. What kind of friend/sister doesn’t check in and ask how planning is going for the biggest day of your life? It doesn’t have to be constant, but it’s weird if they don’t ask at all. Most of the time, they help with things that the man isn’t into, like decorations. My fiance was totally clueless when it came to picking out colors or decorations, so I asked my BMs for their input!

Are you close to your sisters otherwise? Maybe try talking to each of them individually and ask why they seem so unhappy.

Post # 6
Member
1841 posts
Buzzing bee

Is this new behavior for them?

Post # 7
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I fear that removing them from the bridal party will cause more drama than it saves. So instead, isolate from them as much as possible. They’ve got their dresses – great. Don’t talk weddings to them again, except to tell them when the rehearsal is.

Let them wear whatever shoes they want. It’s not worth the battle.

Finish planning with your bridesmaids and spend time enjoying their friendship. Tell your BMs they don’t need to talk to your sisters and apologise to them for your sisters’ behaviour. If your sisters contact your Bridesmaid or Best Man to organise a bridals shower, then great. If they don’t, tell your BMs not to worry about it, you just won’t have a bridal shower.

Ask your BMs if they can plan a girls’ night out without your sisters. Avoid calling it a bachelorette so that your sisters don’t get upset. 

Post # 8
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Going by weddings I have been to, if I even noticed a different color shoe on a Maid/Matron of Honor, I would have thought nothing of it. If one wore a flower crown, I wouldn’t have cared. Those things stand out more to you than anyone else.

If you can put it aside, what they want versus you, if it means anything to you how it will look to the guests, it is no big deal. Sure they should just go along with what you want for your wedding, but this can’t be the first time they have been difficult.

Really, it will be fine.

Post # 9
Member
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.  As the bride you do get to make these kinds of decisions.  They want to “stand out” because they’re sisters?  Good grief.  Not to mention the fact that one has fought over the stupid flower crown for 5 months???  Yikes.  I mean sometimes I would recommend letting things go but in this case THEY are the ones being unreasonable.  I wouldn’t necessarily remove them because if you do, your relationship with them will be permanently damaged.  I’m not sure if it’s worth that.  I would sit them down and have a serious heart-to-heart.  Tell them how much it is hurting you and as much as you want to accommodate your bridesmaids’ wants, this ultimately doesn’t matter.  It sounds like you have been fairly accommodating and it is no way unreasonable to say “hey, sister, no flower crown please”.

Post # 10
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I disagree with several responses here. You are not being unreasonable. The only one who should stand out is you. Are they always this way or is this just because of your wedding? My sisters are a real pain, too. I’m only having one of my 4 – yes, I have 4 sisters – in my wedding. Even she is getting nasty at times. My friends and 3 Future Sister-In-Law, on the other hand, are being awesome. Life is too short to please other people on the one day of your life when it’s all about you and your fiance. If they can’t suck it up, then take them out. It seems like they are on a power trip and need the power taken away. Just don’t get upset if they refuse to come to the wedding at all. You have to realize you actually might be happier without them anyway.

Post # 11
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

yeah i agree though, my sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor too, but something suddenly came up and now shes being distant with all this wedding planning stuff. i say always find another Maid/Matron of Honor for backup. im thinking of getting a back up as welll at least until she heals and comes back on her own.

Post # 12
Member
8261 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

BeeFearless:  

Ah, let it go , P, who cares about the blue shoe or the natural hair do . You will look great, they will look fine , you will be getting  married to Himself  and all will be well on the day .

You might want to have word with the bms and ‘apologise  ‘ for your sisters behaviour, though  you are not  responsible for it and can’t really police it anyway.   It’s just that  it might be worth  letting the other girls  know  you disapprove of your sisters shenanigens    so they don’t think  you  condone them . If they know your sisters and you it’s probably no great surprise  anyway.

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2016

BeeFearless:  I thimk your decision is coming a little late, unfortunately. And although it may seem like an easier route to remove them at this point, I highly doubt it would go over with any less stress than leaving them be. You could possibly give a warning, that if they continue you will be removing them from the bridal party. 

Good luck with whatever you choose!

i have chosen to leave my sister and my futire sister in law out of my wedding party for this very reason. 

Post # 14
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’ve given a colour for the dress (when many brides select the dress) and have said nude shoes (when many brides would specify matching). 

I’m in camp Bridesmaid or Best Man don’t need to be massively involved in planning etc, but ehat kind of friend or sister doesn’t casually ask how things are going? 

id have a chat with them (preferably with a family member to avoid them playing victim):

‘We need to talk because I’ve been very reasonable and given you a lot of flexibility and right now I feel youre abusing this freedom. manh brides specify the details for the Bridesmaid or Best Man and I value your individuality not to do this but if you continued show how little you respect my wishes then we may need to reconsider your position.’

Post # 15
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

I can totally understand how these two could drive you crazy. Bridesmaids should not be concerned with “standing out.” When you say they’ve done nothing for your shower, do you mean invitations haven’t gone out? Bc that would be concerning. Other than that, I’m not sure what else they should have done by now.

I do agree with a PP, though, that you probably aren’t as laidback of a bride as you think. You made them go dress shopping with you and you wanted to control the dress color, the shoes, the hair, and the make-up. That’s not unheard of, but not every bride does that, either. I would just own it and tell them, “Look, we only have three months to go here, as my sisters can you please just do me a favor and be there for me for these next few months? I need your support.”

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