Post # 1
This post is sort of a therapuetic vent for me… and it’s really long. I have a half sister who is 15 years older than me. We were never really close until we started living in the same town two years ago. Anyway, about this time last year my (now) husband and I were renting my brother-in-laws old house since he had moved into her place. This “house” was really a condemned trailer, seriously, there were places where the ceilings were caving in, my husband fell through the floor at one point and there were mushrooms growing out of the ceilings in three different rooms. When we agreed to move in, it was to help them out financially and my BIL, who is a carpenter by trade, had agreed to fix it up. Well needless to say, when the time came to move in to the place, nothing had been done and we had no where else to go. So we moved in with the intention of saving some cash and the hope that he really would do some work on it. He never did.
Flash forward a few months and I found out I was pregnant. A month later we found a perfect new rental to move into. I immediatley went to my sister (who is a lawyer btw) and explained the situation. She said she totally understood, She told me she would take care of everything with her husband and gave me her blessing to get the hell out of there.
Then all of the sudden she did this total 180 and started seriously harrassing me- calling me all the time and telling me that we were screwing them over, that they were relying on the (tiny) amount of money we were giving them each month. She told me I was selfish and that I needed to figure out away “to make it less crappy for them.” It went on and on and I was just sick over the situation. I apologized and tried to reason with them, but they totally turned their backs on me. Well moving day came around and I was at that point 11 weeks along. That day I had a miscarriage. I have this feeling in my heart that the reason I miscarried is a combination of the extreme mold I was living in and the stress I was dealing with because of her and her husband. It was physically and emotionally toxic situation.
Well, things died down after we moved and I did end up seeing my sister a few months ago. We talked about the wedding plans and pretended nothing had ever happened. I got a “yes’ rsvp from them and assumed they were coming (remember we live in the same town). Twenty minutes before the ceremony I heard my phone ringing and noticed a message from her. Her message stated that they “felt too crappy” to come and to have a nice time. I was devastated. This was her chance to redeem herself and she couldn’t even come up with a good excuse as to why she wasn’t coming.
I recieved a $25 gift certificate to Target as a wedding present from her… now I’m faced with writing a “thank you” note. I’m not sure what to write. Do I finally give her a piece of my mind or do I continue to take the high road? I know this is so long and I thank any of you who have read this… What would you do if your sister acted like this?
Post # 3
wow…so sorry to hear this. i would take the high road and send a thank you card for the gift. just a short and pleasant note will do. then, after some time has passed, i would have a heart to heart with her. as hard as it may seem, try to keep your feelings in control and don’t criticise. just let her know that you were hurt and what actions hurt you. then come up with a solution to remedy the situation. maybe write it out and practice what you are going to say beforehand. perhaps you can even practice with your husband and he can come up with possible answers your sister might provide, while you try to answer them in a calm manner.
just remember, there are things you can control and those you cannot. you cannot control your sister’s behavior, but you can choose to live a life filled with people who add value to your life and have your best interest at heart. you cannot control the cause(s) of the miscarriage (and i am truly and deeply sorry for your loss), but you can control your decision to make your peace with it and move forward.
life’s short…..be happy. don’t let others get you down. congratulations on your wedding and look forward to sunny days ahead!
Post # 4
im so sorry for you on many levels so i hope you are looking after yourself! i would just write her a short & polite thankyou for her gift and leave it at that.
move on, look towards your future and be happy – life is too short to carry grudges
take care of yourself
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
First of all, so sorry you are going through this situation. It sounds awful.
I’d just write a quick thank you note and then try my best to forget about the situation. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth it to have a person like that in your life.
Post # 6
I am so sorry to hear for your loss. That is a woman’s worst nightmare. Obviously this is a bad situation. Like they say “you can’t pick your family”, but you can choose not to have them in your life. This women seems toxic to your well being. I say keep your distance, but do not avoid and let time heal.
Post # 7
Awww, thanks ladies. I’m learning to let it all go. Sometimes I just feel these emotions welling up inside and writing about them helps alot. I usually write in my journal, but for some reason tonight I felt like writing to the hive. I don’t plan on having any furthur contact with her at this point… I don’t think I’ve ever been treated so poorly. Alas, life goes on and I still have so much to be grateful for.
Post # 8
I am so, so sorry *HUG*
As someone with a half sister ten years older, I can relate.
You have done everything that you could do, and she is the one that has decided to shape the relationship this way. It’s sad, and horrifyingly manipulative, but in a way a blessing. This toxic person is at a distance and thank goodness for that.
Maybe after a few years she’ll grow up a little and want to earn your trust again.
Meanwhile, she has sent a gift and the proper response would be to send a thank you note. It doesn’t have to be anything special, just a “thank you very much for the thoughtful gift”. And from there, hold your head up high and keep moving forward.
Post # 9
Oh, you poor thing!! 🙁
I don’t even know what to say! What an awful, awful person! I guess take the high road? Or don’t respond, we won’t judge you either way!
Post # 10
I am so sorry you had to go through all that and extremely sorry to hear about losing your baby – best of luck in the future!! As annoying as it is, I would continue to take the high road (or just dont send her a thank you card!) Perhaps another tiem would be a better time to vent to your sister, I do think she deserves it. Congrats on your wedding too!
Post # 11
I would just write the shortest most impersonal thank you note ever and call it a day. That seems like a really bad situation. In my personal experience, being the good guy is always more satisfying than calling someone out on their bad behaviour, especially when it seems the person is never going to take the hint anyway.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry. And while I’ve never had a miscarraige, I know what it’s like to feel like someone’s health got screwed up due to circumstances that, you could sya, were preventable. -However, since you don’t know for certain, I think the best thing for you is to not analyze it too much. I think that can cause someone to go mad.
I agree to write her a thank you note. But be sure to put as much time and effort into it as she put into your wedding and gift.
So basically it should read:
Thanks for the Target card.
…Maybe she’ll get the hint. So sorry.
Post # 13
Oh my gosh. I am so very terribly sorry about your loss. Obviously, that woman has done enough damage so I think at thi spoint you should focus on yourself. Since you are stressing about the thank you note, I would write it *only* to clear the worry from your head. I would write a very brief note like Tanya123 suggested. Nothing personal that invests any more emotion from you. Then, I hope you will be able to focus more on your own peace and healing. Have you been able to grieve? Talking to a counselor can really help, as can marking the loss with a momento such as a baby blanket that you save in a special place.
I wish you peace and happiness – and congratulations on your new marriage! I hope each new day is better than the last.
Post # 14
$25 target card? How cheeeeap for a lawyer too! Wow, so sorry about your loss, you are better off without
Post # 15
Aweful!!! Terrible story, you have my deepest sympathy for the pain this has caused you.
Short and sweet note, then drop it. Honestly, toxic people, and they clearly know how to make a person miserable. Don’t invite it into your life.
Post # 16
sending you so many hugs!
I agree with the other bees: impersonal card and then cut her out of your life unless she makes a first move to come back!