(Closed) Sister's FI refuses to be an Usher?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You’ve asked him for a favor, and like all favors, the person you ask always has the right to decline. It’s not a subpoena. Maybe he’s not good with strangers, maybe he wants to enjoy the day as a guest with no responsibility. It doesn’t matter his reasons. He is 100% allowed to say no!

If you do not allow him to sit with his own fiancé during the wedding, not only would that be a bit childish, I predict a huge family war brewing.

It also makes 100% sense that he focuses his attention on your sister. He is going to marry her. She should always be his #1 priority. It kind of sucks that he can’t do two things at once, but some people are like that. Don’t demand he make your wedding more important than she is to him because you won’t win that battle.

Don’t take it so personally.

Post # 4
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You asked him and he declined.  You’re going to have to move on, I think.  It was a request, not an order.  I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but he explained himself and I don’t think he meant to hurt your feelings. 

I, for one, hate being in weddings.  If I wasn’t the bride, I wouldn’t want to be in mine.  There are obligations (like he said) and I have social anxiety that does not mix well with that sort of thing. 😛

He seems more pre-occupied with my sister, and that sucks.

Probably because he’s marrying your sister – of course he’s going to be more preoccupied with her.

ETA: I just noticed the part about seating.  Don’t take it out of him because he declined your request – that’s just going to cause drama.

Post # 5
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would just let that one go. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to have responsibilities and that’s a little weird that he doesnt want to help out family but whatever.  If your wedding isn’t very large you can probably do without ushers. 

Post # 7
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@fishbone:  +1

As PP mentioned, he has a right to decline, regardless if his reasons did not seem valid to you, it’s his choice! Remember, nobody is going to be more excited about YOUR wedding than YOU. So please don’t be disappointed when others are not on the same page as you, in regards to your wedding.  

Post # 9
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

He is trying to be part of the family, by staying by your sister’s side and being there to help her if she needs anything. People express themselves in different ways. If he said he wasn’t coming to the wedding then you might have an issue to sort through, but someone declining work that isn’t “theirs” is not making a statement that they don’t want to be part of the family.

Post # 10
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@AlisonMae2013:  I think your overthinking this. Guys don’t really like extra work. Guys don’t really enjoy weddings. So extra work at a wedding isn’t exactly their idea of fun.

Since he already told you no, I think you need to accept his answer and move on. It doesn’t really matter what his reason for saying no is.

Post # 11
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I guess I’m having a hard time understanding why this is a big deal. If someone didn’t want to be in my wedding I would prefer them to say no than participate out of obligation. I also am confused how it has turned into making your sister the center of attention? 

Post # 13
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AlisonMae2013:  And? Again it’s his right to decline, he chooses to be there for your sister, nothing wrong with that.

ETA: Also, he is being there for you. He is taking the time to witness and celebrate your union, not to mention you’ll probably get a nice wedding gift as well. I think you should just let it go, and move on to other “to do” items on your wedding list.

Post # 15
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t be offended.  Maybe there’s another reason that he doesn’t want to say, like maybe he is shy and finds the idea of being in a wedding intimidating.

Post # 16
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Saying he wants to be free of responsibility to get your sister a plate of food doesn’t equal making her the center of attention.

And your bridesmaids should be making sure you’re fed and taken care of. You don’t need an usher to do that. His not being an usher does not detract from you. In fact, it may make it easier for your sister to be helpful to you if someone is looking after her needs.

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