Post # 1
I recently got engaged and my Fiance only wants three Groomsmen. I was fine with this cuz I have 3 sisters and wouldn’t have to choose between my friends as to who would be the fourth to stand up with us.
I was super excited to announce my engagement to one of my best friends who recently moved to Vancouver and her first comment was “How am I going to plan your wedding from here?” she wasn’t joking – she tends to be very controlling. Shortly after that she asked if my sister was going to be my MoH and I told her that I was only having my three sisters standing up with me. Her next response was “oh, well let me know when it is and I’ll see if I can make it.” She hasn’t talked to me since.
She’s been my best friend since junior high and I don’t want to lose her friendship but I don’t want to add to the wedding party either. Fiance and I have decided on three and I’m happy with that.
Anyone else have friends upset over not being asked to be a BM? Should I try and get her involved in another way or just let it go, send the invitation and hope she comes?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I feel like it’s very petty of your friend to be upset over something like this – after all, they are your SISTERS!! If I were in that situation, I’d let it go and just send her an invitation when the time comes. If she wants to be childish, that’s her choice but it’s not something you should have to put up with!
Post # 4
i did the same thing, only having family in the wedding. i’m having a small wedding and if i had friends too it would be way too much! my friends didn’t act mad, but they just don’t seem interested in the wedding like i feel like they would have been if they were in it. i’m just dealing with it, it’s a choice i made, my bridesmaids are awesome and if my friends are deciding to be stupid, oh well. in your case it’s probably best not to have your friend in your wedding, she seems a bit controlling with her comment “how am i going to plan your wedding?” it’s not her job to plan it, it’s yours! if you want to give her a job such as have her do a reading that might be nice, but i don’t think it’s necessary. she’s your friend and her job is to be supportive at your wedding, whether she has a title or not.
Post # 5
Wow – I’d view it as dodging a bullet, she seems a “bit” controlling and manipulative. If she had your best interests at heart, she’d be happy for you no matter what. And happy for herself for not having all the associated costs of being in the wedding.
If you want to mend this, I would send her an email and let her know that while you’re disappointed that you aren’t able to include her as a bridesmaid, you value her friendship and hope she can be a sounding board for you as you plan your special day. And that there’s still bachelorette parties and showers to enjoy. Do you think she’d like to be a personal attendant or do a reading? Then she’s still involved?
Post # 6
No, but I’ve been upset at not being asked. Especially when my friend had 8 BM’s and I wasn’t one of them! I know for sure I was closer to her than at least 3 of those girls, I have no idea why she didn’t ask me. So I did not make the 4 hour drive to her shower or bach party, but I attended the wedding. Had she asked me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man I would have gone to everything.
Post # 7
I only had one friend mention anything about not being a bridesmaid. She was just sad since I was her last chance to be one! (I am the last of my friends to get married) She did NOT say it in a manipulative way or anything, it was actually kind of cute, but no one really knows the reasons why some one chooses one person over another to be a part of the wedding. Often the choices are made to appease a certain family member or in-law.
Your friend needs to take a step back and gain some perspective on this. Sisters, especially sisters you are close to, should definitely get priority. You know, family and all.
Post # 8
Thanks for the replies. I thought she might be a little hurt but I didn’t expect the silent treatment, it’s not like I had picked another friend over her. She’s a perfectionist so I hope maybe having her as a personal attendant, or having her look after coordinating everything on the big day will play to her strengths. This is of course, if she comes at all (we want a Destination Wedding Mexico or DR).
I’ll update once I discuss possible other places to include her with the Fiance, and figure out what to say to her… hopefully it goes ok.
Post # 9
I’m having my two sisters and two best friends from college in my wedding, and not having my FI’s sister at his request. He had three solid groomsman choices, and he came up with one more to accomodate my number of girls. I’ve asked my other two close friends to be apart of the wedding by doing readings during the ceremony. Maybe you could incorporate your friend in your wedding through the ceremony.
Post # 10
Well, she doesn’t sound like a very good friend to me, imo. I would expect a “best friend” to be more understanding than that. Whether she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not for your wedding shouldn’t change her feelings (I hope she’s happy for you!) toward the fact that you are getting married. She sounds so self-absorbed. I’d just let it go and send her an invite and that’s that. If anything, I think you have more of a right to feel disappointed in her reaction than her feeling disappointed for being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Grow up. But, maybe she is disappointed and just need some time to get over the disappointment. Maybe (I hope) she’ll come around and talk to you again.
Post # 11
I haven’t had to deal with this myself but my good friend in HS had her two sisters & her FI’s sister stand up there with her. I wasn’t included at all, and I was suprised…BUT at the same time I did understand because it’s her wedding, and you can’t compare to sisters.
Your friend is probably shocked that she wasn’t included, which is totally understandable..but she needs to make sure she can be at your wedding. Not “I’ll see if I can make it.” You should have a talk with her and tell her you wanted her there, but that you have limited space, etc.
If she’s your real friend, she’ll understand and be there for you..just like I was for my friend.
Post # 12
You can look at it from both perspectives- bc obviously your sisters are your sisters, but your best friend is the closest person to you that isn’t blood. I guess I see where your friend is coming from- I would be upset if my best friend hadn’t asked me to be in her wedding too 🙁 I see how obviously its your wedding day so you want your family in your wedding- but your friend who has been there for your through thick and thin, has seen you cry over the guys over the years, and knows the most about you than anyone else- so its understandable that shes upset. I think that by not asking her she may feel like- oh, I guess we’re best friends but i’m not good enough to stand next to you on the day that both of you have talked about since youwere in junior high.
I guess it just depends on how you chose your maids- is it JUST because they are your sisters and you thinks its the right thing to do? Bc then I would say she has a reason to be upset. You could always have more maids then men too- it’s not uncommon at all to have an uneven wedding party- people just seem to worry about it too much like its a big deal but it’s really not, nad if it means that you get to have everyone up there by you that’s what matters.
Post # 13
And with it being a desination wedding- the costs rise signficicantly, so it is quite understandable with the way money is these days if she wasn’ to make the trip and send thousands of dollars when she isn’t included in the wedding party
Post # 14
What about if she does a reading or something else special for the wedding? If you have 3 others on the same level as her then you’re hurting their feelings too.