Post # 1
Okay so I have been engaged for seven months and have my date set. My sister just got engaged three weeks ago and is looking to get married soon… so she was looking at a very very short engagement and was looking at a date that would be four weeks before me. I had my date and place all booked a month after I got engaged and now she is looking at getting married four weeks before me!! I was shocked and I felt like this was taking my spot light away! When I told her this she was very emotional and said fine is it okay if I get married three weeks after you… I said yes that is fine… But she was so upset and she really wanted the date that was before mine… I could tell she was upset and it was as if I was such a bad person to ask her not to get married right before me…. I know it is still close, but that I don’t care about. It is the fact that I had a date set and I didn’t think it was right for her to get married before me because I felt it was taking my time away from me. I feel so bad because I think I really hurt her when I said that, but if the situation was swapped I would never ever plan my date before hers.. Am I wrong for thinking this way… Should I just let her do her thing and get married before me? I don’t want any hard feelings… I just want my time to be my time. The other thing is my parents are paying for my wedding and now they are paying for two… so now I feel (even thought my father said he would take care of it) that I need to come up with money to help him out…. I mean what father can really pay for two very big weddings… Am I being selfish that I want to get married first because I have been engaged longer and with my guy for a lot lot longer? Or should I just say do what you want to do, because I don’t want any hard feelings and I don’t ever want this to be something that will haunt us for ever?? I am just so confused!!!!
Post # 3
While I understand why you’re upset, I don’t think you should tell her when she can have her wedding. I’m with you, I wouldn’t have planned it so close together, if I were her (I actually called the other bride in my family who was getting married in the same year). In the whole scheme of life, I don’t think it’s really going to matter. It’s not going to take away your spotlight. Hey, you might even get a double wedding shower with your sister!
Post # 4
how about a double wedding?>
Post # 5
I don’t know about you, but when I go to weddings I usually get more ideas of how I don’t want to do things than of things I want to incorporate! If she went first her wedding could act as a trial run for you. 😉
I agree you can’t get too bent out of shape about it. I know it feels like she’s stealing your spotlight now but instead think of the bonding opportunities!
Post # 6
Thanks for your input!!! I don’t want to ruin her time… I just felt like my time would be taken away if she did it right before our time… My mother is spending so much time with the plans and she was stressed when my sister said she was going to get married right before me…. only giving my parents three months to get ready for hers, when they are planning all the stuff for my wedding. I hate this!!!! All of the planning has been so easy and so much fun and this just added stress! I don’t have weekends off and doing swaps at work just to get time off for my wedding is difficult enough… if I have to swap to get time off for her then i’ll be doing back to back to back doubles and I feel this is going to make it difficult to do all the stuff I need to do. I love my sister and don’t want to hurt her…but at the same time she has known for seven months that I was getting married on a set date and then all of a sudden she gets engaged after a short time with her boyfriend and now she wants to do it right before me…… It is just difficult to grasp…. I would not have planned to get married before her if she got engaged first….. I want to have all happy memories of both my and my sisters wedding and all the planning.. but now she just seems so upset with me….
Post # 7
YOu didn’t quite give us the timeline here. So I’m taking a stab. You said she’s having a three month engagement? I’ll take it that she is getting married in August? And you are in September. Why does she want to get married this August? What’s the deal? Is she pregnant?
I’m with you on a lot of things here. First, the financial burden to your parents. Especially when you consider that her engagement is very short. I’ve heard brides come on and say how they’ve been engaged for soooo long, or how they’d been dating their Fi’s for years. (Then their little sis, BFF, etc who had been dating for less than a year gets engaged and wants to have the wedding around thesame time.) Normally I don’t think it’s right to dictate how other people should progressin their relationships. They have a right to differ from your timeline. However, in your situation, I can see cause for concern, if she hadn’t been dating him long and now is getting married very quickly. (And again, with such a quick engagement for your parents to try to come up with the money.)
I do think that for family/financial reasons, she should plan a little more wisely. I also think if I were her mom, I would be telling her, she needs to cool her jets a bit, or I won’t be paying for the wedding.
As for stealing your spotlight, I hear ya…. I would probably feel that way too. But your guests, who are the people giving you the spotlight, aren’t really going to be as into it as you. Most brides probably feel more "spotlight" than people are actually giving them anyway. (It’s all perception.) And how much space around your wedding should you be given? It’s hard to tell all the people in your circle not to get married between June and November because of your September wedding.
Why she got so hurt, IDK. Maybe you didn’t go about it as delicately as you could have. Did you yell and fly off the handle right away? Or did you objectively try to point out the financial burdens on your parents? Again, could she be pregnant? I know it made me emotional.
Post # 8
Thanks Tanya for all your input!! You gave me some great things to look at… like no matter who else gets married around the same time my day will be about me and my FH. I guess I forgot to think about that!!
I have been with my FH for seven and a half years…. yes that is a long time, but we had to grow up, both get knew, great, jobs and we bought a house, so now we are ready!! She has been with her FH for about a year and a half… so I guess that is why we, my FH and I, were both in shock when they got engaged and then said they were getting married right before us…… It was just odd I thought!!
My parents did sit her down and tell her that they were going to have a difficult time, because of the close time, and that made her very upset… she said she wanted to get married when she wanted to and no one was good with that….. But wait she has know for very long what me date was….. This is just very out of character of her so I was shocked.
I was very good about the way I went about telling her….. I never flipped out and never was rude or disrespectful… I did tell her that I thought it was odd of her to want to do it right before me! She is older than me and I know she too wants to start a family, but we have been planning our date and our time for a while…
I just don’t want her to have hard feelings, but if it was swiched I would wait untill she got married to set my date.
Thanks again for your time!
Post # 9
I went through a similar predicament. However, I never said anything to the other couple and the dates were spaced out a bit more.
In the end though, I was actually glad that the other "bride to be" was married before us. Once their wedding was over, we had the spotlight back & didn’t have to share it.
Save the best for last, girl!
Post # 10
Sisters always do this crap! I think it was unfair of her. I can TOTALLY understand why this would upset you.
Post # 11
I was in the exact same situation – except I was on the other side of things. My sister and her FH have been together for like 10 years. They got engaged in Feb of 2008, and set their date for Sept of 2010 – a VERY long engagement. I had been with my FH for about a year and a half when we got engaged in Jan. of 2009. I knew I wanted a summer wedding, but knew that 2009 was too soon, and had my heart set on 2010 (since I did NOT want to have a 2.5 yr engagement like she did). This would put our weddings 3 months apart… and our parents are not paying for our weddings, so family finances were not an issue. Well… she was furious that I wanted to get married before her, and her FH even accused me of "only wanting to get married because my big sister is" – which is a complete load of BS. I don’t know why he would ever think that I would make such a decision out of jealousy. She insisted that I wait until 2011 because she didn’t want me getting married before her and "stealing her spot light". Long story short, she moved her wedding up to this fall…
What I’m trying to say is – it’s silly to tell people when they can get married. And the way I see it – you can’t claim an entire year disignated to your wedding. Your day is your day, and no one can take that away from you. Even if they were one week apart – who cares? Just think of the fun you will have planning together, helping each other with diy projects and feeding off each other’s ideas. Just please be happy for her. There’s nothing worse than getting engaged (we all know how exciting it is) and no one cares :(. Your sister deserves her "spot light" too.
Post # 12
I have a few questions for you:
1) Who is the older sister? I ask because I’m the oldest of 3 sisters, and in some ways, I felt like a complete and utter failure to be the last to get married. They even joked about it at my sister’s wedding 🙂 If your sister is older, maybe that played a role in her wanting a quick engagement.
2) What is the religious situation? If she’s "waiting" until she gets married, she may have real reason to hurry up.
3) Is there a possibility that she could be pregnant? I had a relative that moved up her wedding by several months. Turns out there was a very good reason, and it would have been hard to begrudge her that.
I guess what I’m saying is that there could be a good reason for her wanting to do this. Either that, or she’s being petty and small… but either way, wouldn’t it be great for you to be the bigger person in this situation? If she’s putting her wedding together so quickly, it shouldn’t be hard to impress your guests with a well put together affair that follows her hasty one. It sounds like you love your sister very much, so maybe a heart to heart can help clear the air!
Post # 13
775, when you said she was older, my thought is that she just wants to be sure to get married before you.
Is it possible that she really coaxed her boyfriend into proposing so she could be sure to have enough time to squeeze her wedding in before yours?
I don’t have a sister, but I can definitely have the jealousies . And if I had a little sister getting married before me, I would definitely feel jealous. Although I think if I was engaged, that would be good enough to calm me down.
Keep us updated.
Post # 14
I’m in a similar situation, engagement wise, I’m under the assumption that my sister wouldn’t try to put her wedding before mine when she’s getting engaged shortly after me…if she did, I would be upset, so I don’t blame you there. I’m older and have been with my SO for 7 years, she’s younger and been with hers for 2-3 rocky, rocky years. Honestly, I have to wonder about a close female who picks her date to be before yours and is demanding a very short engagement- something just seems off about that to me. Not assuming anything bad about your sister, but I know mine well enough that if she did that, something would be up. There are basically two choices- confront her about the arrangement and let her know it irks you, or be the "bigger person" and let it slide. I considered being the "bigger person" if this sort of thing happened to me, but I’ve been playing that role for YEARS, and this sort of situation would be the final straw for me. You said you already spoke to her, and it sets alarms off with me that she reacted in a profound way. Honestly, if she’s a good sister, she will work something out with you that works for both of you, instead of stamping her foot and making demands. That’s what sisters do- she needs to make an effort to be reasonable about this, since it sounds like you’re trying to be!
Post # 15
I guess this happens all the time. Again, it is not about ONE DAY, it is about a loooooong time of planning and waiting for the big day. And it is not as they both came up with those dates at the same time. Her sister knew when she was going to get married. It’s just a shame.
775, I would ask your sister how would she feel if it was the other way around and you would be getting married three months before her knowing that she was engaged first.
Post # 16
Ah I missed the older sister part! I can really understand why she’d wish to go first. That’s the order it usually happens in, and in many more traditional families (like mine) it was expected that I would marry first.
Luckily, the excuse of grad school and med school helped us rearrange the order of things. I can’t imagine my next oldest sister having to wait for me! For some reason, this whole thing becomes a huge pressure on us older sisters. I can’t explain why… but it is.