(Closed) Sisters, one got engaged first, the other is putting their wedding first, help?!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ClaireV  Your poor parents.

Both you and your sister are being ridiculous. So what that she’s getting married a few months before you? That’s not taking anything away fron you unless you let it. It’s not up to you to be the “bigger people” because your sister doesn’t need your permission or approval to have her wedding when and where she wants.  You are not “letting” her do anything. Sure, you could have a tantrum and change all your plans but it seems to me that would be giving your sister far more power over you than just keeping your original plan. 

I agree your sister is being petty and ridiculous. That’s unfortunate for her. It’s only unfortunate for you if you let it be a problem.  If you go down that path, you will only succeed in creating a lot of drama and hard feelings with your parents held hostage in the middle. 

If it makes you feel any better, your sister may have put the thumb screws to her fiancé to propose and now has to rush to plan her wedding just so she can get married first. Sound like fun to you? It sure doesn’t to me. Just because your sister is competing with you doesn’t mean you have to compete with her. Accept her actions are the result of a flaw in her character and stop taking it so personally.

Enjoy your wedding. Let your sister have all that angst.

Post # 18
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@ClaireV  I was in a similar situation actually. My little sister got engaged. While engaged, she became pregnant and had a baby and she didnt want to get married while age was pregnant and wanted to be thin in her wedding photos. So she wanted to wait to get baby weight off before she got married. Then I became engaged, and we knew we wanted to get married in May 2014 (on our anniversary). After I told my sister when we were planning on getting married, it was World War 3 ad she said SHE wanted to get married in May 2014. My parents asked that the weddings have a 6 month gap bc our family is all out of state so it would be a financial burden to fly that closely together. My sister and I both wanted May and it got nasty- obviously weddings are very emotional. We both wanted outdoor weddings so timing is limited. But eventually we moved it back to November (exactly 6 months after May) and there is a 10% chance it will rain (thank goodness it is in San Diego that barely has seasons or this wouldn’t be possible). I wasn’t thrilled about it- I never imagined having a fall/winter wedding But didnt want to wait another year. i also didnt want to cause more drama. So it is what it is. And even with the gap, there will be family that will make it to one wedding and not the other. That may happen even if they were 3 years apart- not everyone can attend every wedding. 

That said, I get where you are coming from and realize you are upset. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings but I do think you need to come to piece with it. Engaged first married first is a silly rule. You didn’t want to get married in July- you wanted more time. Your sister getting married that month doesn’t change your wedding date, it doesn’t effect your wedding. And in her shoes- what other time could she get married? August and September are out and you are getting married in October. Would it make you happy if she got November? If it is at your family farm I’m guessing it would be outside and possibly cold and rainy/not a good time to have a wedding there. Plus then the gap would be even smaller! And she obviously didn’t want to wait til spring and you have no right to ask her to. Honestly, from an outsider perspective, I think this arrangement makes the most sense. If you are upset, then you are upset, but I think you need to accept it and move on. 

While 2 sisters getting married is stressful sometimes, I had really enjoyed planning at the same time as my sister- and things like chargers we could buy and use for both weddings. ad we can talk about wedding stuff for hours- it’s been so fun! I hope you can have a similar experience with your sister. 

Post # 19
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ClaireV  do you’re complaining about your sister’s jealousy only to end the post with equal jealousy on your part. 

you could have easily picked July, but you didn’t want to. That’s not her problem and shouldn’t mean that nobody else gets to have a July wedding now that you went with October. Perhaps she always wanted a summer wedding and didn’t want to wait one year? Just because you didn’t want to stress out about not having as much time doesn’t mean she has to wait 1.5 years. 

I agree with PP, you don’t need to be the bigger person – you’re being childish, and you should be an adult, that’s really all there is to it. 

Had your sister married in November, then probsbly even less relatives would be able to make it to both weddings so I don’t see how this is related to her marrying before you at all. 

Seems like you’re just looking for reasons to say: she’s a bad, bad girl, don’t you see?!

which she is – but only because she cannot be happy for you and acted like a total bitch regarding your engagement. 

the weddings will still feel different. You can plan sth completely different and most important of all – her wedding is about her and her Fiance, yours about you and your Fiance.  That’s really war should matter here. 

Post # 20
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Did people not read the OP or what?

I did not get the feeling that the OP is upset that her sister’s wedding will be before her but because her sister is being a selfish, jealous and unsupportive brat and it’s clear she’s moving her wedding earlier because she’s the oldest and should be married first.

It’s not the result of an earlier wedding – it’s the means to the end of her sister’s actions and I think it’s bullshit.

OP – that being said – I think your sister is a piece of work but you should just keep the wedding where it is. Suck it up and just feel sorry for your sister rather than upset.  Sorry you’re in this position!

Post # 21
Member
2789 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ClaireV  I get so sick of people judging others & how they feel, when they have absolutely no clue what it’s like to be in that specific situation.  Your sister did this on purpose.  And that’s what is generating the anger. She is specifically doing it to make sure that she’s married first…regardless of what it does to your plans.  And that is really hurtful. My sister did the exact same thing to me. It hurts deeply to be in your situation & it bothers me that people are telling you that you’re over reacting.  You’re not. I know everything that you’re feeling and it’s not fun. But, you’re going to have to find a way to move past it so that it doesn’t ruin your special day…bc your day is very special! 

Post # 22
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ClaireV  Aw man. You’re in a tough spot, and your feelings are definitely natural. Maybe some people just have a thicker skin than I do, but I would most certainly be upset in your situation. In fact, I was in one quite similar! My twin brother got engaged a couple of months after we did (way unexpectedly!), and despite my best efforts, there were definitely times where the juxtaposition of having two weddings at once really got to me for various reasons. Our was first, but they set their date first.

The big upsides of 2 weddings in one year were that I got way closer to my SIL because we were going through similar things in similar time periods, I got to see my family and friends A LOT over the summer between our weddings, and our family had an overabundance of love and joy this year! All good things.

 

The real question here isn’t whether your feelings are valid, because you can’t really help how you feel about something as personal as your siblings and your wedding. The question is, how do you process those feelings in a way that keeps the peace and helps you get through the stressful planning process while keeping your focus on the right place?

It seems to me you have two options here: (1) change plans, make your feelings known, and almost certainly cause heartache for your sister, your parents, and most of all YOU or (2) find a way to let it go. 

I think number 2 is your clear choice here. Give yourself some time with your Fiance to be upset about this, and then set a deadline to just let. it. go. Maybe find a trusted friend that you can vent to, but try as hard as you can not to express your frustration to your parents or sister. At the end of the day, no matter how valid your feelings are, the story five years from now could end up being “ClaireV was super jealous and made wedding planning difficult for both!!!” rather than what’s really happening here. 

Not to be cheesy, but try to count your blessings. You are marrying the love of your life and starting a brand new chapter together. That’s really what matters. Both weddings will be great. My brother and I had really similar venues, an identical guest list on my parents’ side, similar DRESSES, similar food, etc. and they still ended up being so different.

Finally, for what it’s worth, going second could be a really good thing. Many unanticipated things went wrong at my wedding that really stressed me out. At my brother’s wedding, I was able to be “super bridesmaid” and anticipate those things to prevent them from happening again. His wife had a relaxing day and wasn’t not away of most of the problems that cropped up because I was able to run interference… I think learning from our experiences with my wedding contributed to that. My mom was less of a nutjob, our family all knew the drill. Things like that.

Sorry for the novel, but try to look on the bright side. 🙂 Letting this fester hurts you waaaaay more than it hurts your sister.

And don’t let negative comments on WB get ya down.. things will be okay!

 

Post # 23
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@ClaireV  This is a bummer situation! I don’t really think that you are overreacting, but I also think there’s pretty  much nothing you can do about it, so it might be best to embrace and accept.

The worst thing to me is that it is on your birthday. That is really uncool. We don’t get a lot of special days, but a birthday is definitely at the top of the list, and we don’t even pick that date! Since we choose our wedding dates, even if they are limited, I think it’s wrong to pick someone else’s important date, unless it’s ok with that person. 

OP, since there’s probably not much to be done, I think you should try to have a nice engagement. I would be annoyed with your sister too, but it doesn’t have to spoil it. Just think, those couple of extra months may really make a difference in planning!

Post # 24
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@abbie017  +1  It’s hard to believe posts like this are for real.

Post # 25
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
@ClaireV  I’m sorry that your sister wasn’t excited for you guys and that she appears to be making choices out of anger or bitterness or jealousy.

I would suggest that you go ahead with your original plans and that you do attempt to move past this as you said you would attempt in your follow-up. No one gets to dictate when someone else gets married. It sucks, but you and your Fiance made a choice right for you – your sister and her Fiance appear to be doing the same (regardless of motivation).

Focus on your own planning and don’t overshare ideas with your sister. Focus on making a day that you and your Fiance will love and remember that it isn’t a competition.

Post # 27
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You set your date and your sister stayed 3 mos away from it. There’s no problem with either date or wedding. There is no rule that she should have picked a date after yours because you got engaged the month before her. Her date isn’t rude.  

Your weddings can both be great and personal. Try to remember that the wedding is about you and your husband. Not sibling rivalry. Focus on your wedding and your Fiance. 

Post # 28
Member
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sucks that your sister was being so nasty about it, but I don’t think you can be angry about her wedding being first. You could have chosen July and did not. Is she supposed to wait until the NEXT spring to have hers?

Getting engaged first doesn’t give you first dibs on being married first. There are plenty of ways to have vastly different weddings with the same venues.

Post # 29
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

First, yes, your sister is being a jerk.  There is no way around admiting that.  She wasn’t supportive of your wedding, and then made her wedding a competition.

That said, your wedding is now so much easier.  I don’t know if you have ever had a wedding at your farm before, but I have helped people prep for their outdoor farm weddings.  It is HARD work.  Your sister and her Fiance now have to help out with that.  And it will be done two months before your wedding.  You can really reap the rewards of a bad situtation. 

 

Post # 30
Member
6518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ClaireV  I am sorry, but I don’t see a problem here.

Post # 32
Member
9576 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you’re being just as petty as she was. Who cares if she gets married first? If anything you should be happy that she’s happy and maybe now she’ll come around re: bridesmaid stuff and you wont have to tip toe. Be the bigger person. Be gracious. 

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