(Closed) Sisters, one got engaged first, the other is putting their wedding first, help?!

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 33
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You had my sympathy for her being unreasonable with her jealousy and hurt feelings over your being engaged first- which is pretty unreasonable, imo- until you got to the part where YOUR feelings were hurt over her getting married first. 

Either both positions are reasonable or neither is. I vote neither. 

It sucks that she’s not being nice and supportive of your wedding, and I can understand why on a personal level you might feel less than supportive of her in return, but just as your parents and friends were supportive of your wedding when she was upset about it, they are going to be supportive of hers while you’re upset about it. You’re both attributing personal attacks where none are neccessary and making something (someone else’s wedding!) about you when it really isn’t at all. Plan the wedding you’re excited about on the date you happily chose before she was ever planning hers, and support her as much as you are able on the date she is so happy about months away from your wedding, and maybe you can both emerge from this year happily married with some kind of loving sisterly relationship intact.

Post # 34
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I get it, it would be different if it was your friend but it’s your sister. You want this to be about you, you want the attention of your parents and other family members. Because she is setting her date first you feel like focus will be taken away from yours and put on hers. Plus you wanted her involved in yours and she has been acting childish! Further you are having similar Venus and so close together you feel like some of that specialness will be taken from your day. 

That being said I would sit down with your mom and say how excited you are for both you and your sister but want to make sure things are fair and equal. Get your mom to commit to helping each of you have individual experiences in the planning processes like dress shopping. Have close friends who aren’t involved in the other wedding play a bigger role. Don’t discuss your ideas in front of your sister (that way there will be less of a chance of “copying” details. Make sure you come up with things to make your wedding more unique and bask in the fact that you have longer to plan. Enjoy the experience and sit down with ur sis and talk to her about wanting to get along and have two great weddings. 



Post # 35
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

OP, I feel for you, because every now and again a post like this will surface and there are the same comments of “You don’t own the year” or “You just get one day” etc. I don’t know what post some of these others posters were reading, but where I’m standing, yes, you COULD have chosen July, but didn’t–but that isn’t even the frickin’ point! If you had chosen July, I’m sure your sister would have chosen April–anything to get one step ahead of you.

 I think your hurt feelings are completely validated and I think what your sister was doing was in ill-taste. The same way, I’m sure, you wouldn’t have selected a date just before hers as it kind of swoops in and switches focus entirely. While, yes, you only “get one day,” it also only comes around once in a lifetime for some, so for someone to kind of step on your toes and make it more about them, it’s definitely hurtful. And especially seeing as her jealousy was blatant for most of your engagement before her own, I don’t know if I would believe she chose that date out of convienience or because it was specifically before yours. 

I have never been in a position like this before, but had a friend who’s two sisters were engaged in the same year. The oldest sister was engaged first and the younger sister was incredibly jealous, and then “surprisingly” one month later she and her SO got engaged completely out of the blue. She then chose a wedding date three months BEFORE her sister’s. My friend’s family was a little different and they explained how it was in POOR TASTE and kindly, but firmly, suggested she push it back six months. She was upset about it, but eventually did. 

As to what you can do moving forward, I would suggest planning as usual. Don’t expect anything from your sister, and also don’t give more than you receive, either, which seems completely petty, but will help keep your focus on your own wedding. Enjoy the planning process from here on out, as I hope your sister doesn’t have anymore fits of jealously. I would suggest not sharing decor ideas, even with your family members, just to keep things as seperate from your sister as possible. 

Good luck!

Post # 36
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ClaireV:  I think a big plus would be – if she is very competitive, it would be better for her to have her wedding first so she doesn’t copy your wedding. She may try to outdo you so if she goes first, then you are able to do whatever you want for your wedding without any fear that she will steal your ideas or try to top your wedding just to be ‘better’. Not much of a consolation, but I think if you were having your wedding first, she might be even more of a nightmare. 

Post # 37
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

What both you and your sister need to remember is that you EACH get ONE day. None of this other crap matters.

Let it go. 

Post # 38
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@FleeSircus: and @mrsmeowton-This is exactly what I was thinking. Were we even reading the same post? People are entitled to their feelings and your sister not congratulating you and then sneaking in her wedding on purpose to get married first definitely creates some drama. I think people are giving the sister way too much credit here acting like she might’ve already had the ring or whatever. 

I’d be pissed that she was all negative when you got engaged and now she wants to play like you should do everything her way. She should have been a good sister and been happy for you and then if she happened to be planning a wedding too soon great! There’s nothing wrong with picking a date before yours, but she should have been more sensitive about it since obviously it’s hard with traveling family. I do not agree with people that she can pick whatever day she wants and that it’s proximity to yours does not affect you in any way. Obviously it does. It sounds like she’s the more “problem child” how your parents just want you to the the bigger person. That sucks. I think you should be happy for her, but if she still wants to be negative about yours then don’t let her rain on your parade. I don’t know if you’re close with ILs but it might be fun to talk wedding with them. Certainly don’t give her your wedding ideas!!!!

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