Post # 1
Member
11 posts
Newbee
I’m writing because I’m confused and conflicted and I don’t know what to do. My youngest sister is getting married. I am not extremely close with my sisters due to an age difference and because we have different interests it makes it hard to just hang out. However, I grew up in a very tight knit family and we always come together for holidays, birthdays, special occasions and we go on vacation together every year. Even though we have different interests I always considered them close because when we get together things are always fun and we have a good relationship. I do sometimes struggle to connect with them on their interests so when I found out she was getting married it was something that I could relate to… I’ve gotten married, I’m pretty creative and my mom asked me to help plan her bridal shower… so it was a nice opportunity to do something with my sisters, something we had in common. So I was excited that she asked me to go with her to try on bridal gowns and of course I said yes. I also told my mom I would help with the shower and have spent alot of time planning. Then they asked me to go to a concert with them. I was super excited, I love doing things with my sisters. I thought that now that they’re getting a bit older and at a similar place in their lives that our relationship was getting better. I also offered my sister the use of my timeshare for her honeymoon.
Then I received a text message from my sister. She stated that she was texting me to let me know she didn’t want any hurt feelings or awkward moments but that she only wanted a small bridal party so she was only having her friend and our other sister- there’s only 2 of us. I’m pretty sensitive and it hurts that for some reason my sister does not want me to be in her wedding. She did state however that she would still like me to plan her shower. I know that sometimes things can read wrong so I just want to reiterate that the hurt is not about missing out on being a bridesmaid, rather that I feel like my sister does not want to include me. That only my other sister is important to her. I did tell her that I was hurt but I was curteous and did not elaborate because I am happy for my sister, I want her to be happy at her wedding and I don’t want anything to be about me. I got married 3 years ago and I had all of my siblings, as well as all of my husbands siblings and niece in our wedding. I even paid for stuff for them because it was important to me to have them at my wedding. To me, weddings are about family/ friends/loved ones. If I wanted it to be all about me and him I could’ve eloped. I know that’s my view point and not everyone thinks like me and I understand that she is closer with my other sister and can accept that it’s her day and it should be how she wants it and she is not obligated to include both sisters in her wedding. However, I am still hurt.
I definitely DO NOT want anything different at this point. There’s no point in discussing it any further with her. I do not want her to make me a bridesmaid out of guilt or pity. Again, I have no special desire to be a bridesmaid, merely looking for acceptance from my sister so at this point that ship has sailed and that piece of our relationship is already lost. So… my question is… should I continue to do all of the extra things for her or should I just be a guest at her wedding, as she’s indicated that she wants, and not keep putting myself in a place where I’m going to be hurt? The biggest part of me still wants to do all these things and be a part of the stuff that I can be and also help to make this time special for her. But over the course of my life I’ve learned that I tend to be a people pleaser and that sometimes I get taken advantage of so part of me thinks that distancing myself from people who hurt me and giving my time instead to people who appreciate it might be a better solution.
Post # 2
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
ouch! I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. I would be too. I would probably hand over the reigns of shower planning to her bridesmaids.
I don’t know about anyone else, but moms in my family would tear their daughters a new one if they thought including one sister and not the other was acceptable.
Post # 3
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
I’m sorry your feelings are hurt by not being included in her bridal party. I understand why you would feel that way. I’m sure she has reasons why she wanted to keep her party small, but it does suck to be the sister that is excluded.
If this were a friend, I might give a different answer. But since this is your sister who you’re trying to build a stronger relationship with, I would still do everything as you intended to. Show her that you love her and want to support her during this important time in her life. That will go a long way in building goodwill, and focusing on the positives will help you move past your hurt feelings.
Post # 4
Member
6907 posts
Busy Beekeeper
If you are hurt, you do not have to continue to do these extra things for her. Personally I think if you didn’t have a problem with it before then there’s no reason to have a problem with it now… I would continue to throw the party although I might not attend everything else such as picking out dresses… it’s not your problem to do her jobs as a bride, even if you are a bridesmaid.
For what it’s worth, my husband has six siblings to my one. I have one close friend to his two. In the end we picked two people for each side. It wasn’t about liking others and it wasn’t about taking advantage of them, we just think uneven sides, especially that uneven look really stupid. I’m glad none of his brothers held that against us. They know he loves them all just as much and we found other ways to include them in our day. She may well have a good reason for keeping her wedding party small. Try to take it with a grain of salt.
Post # 5
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
No way I would not plan anything. Let the people she loved enough to name bridesmaids be the ones to do the heavy lifting. I would never dream of having a friend as a bridesmaid over my own sister. So tacky and hurtful!
Post # 6
Member
4840 posts
Honey bee
agio0429 : I would be hurt too. Seriously, I could even at a stretch understand excluding some siblings if you were six sisters or something but the difference between two bridesmaids and three really is negligible especially if you go by American custom where bridesmaid buy their own dress.
I’d do what a PP said and say you are handing over the reigns to your other sister and her bridesmaid regarding the shower. I’d also renege in the use of your time share. She has to learn you can’t abuse and use people and not respect them by purposely hurting them.
What she did is straight out mean….
Post # 7
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
I would be hurt too. I am one of 3 sisters, and I’m definitely closer to one of my sisters over the other, but I would never dream of having only one sister in my bridal party. I’d be very hurt if one of my sisters only had my other sister as a bridesmaid.
That’s pretty rich of her to tell you that you’re not going to be a bridesmaid, but she still wants you to plan her shower. So she wants you to do favors for her, but she doesn’t see you as important enough to be a bridesmaid. I’d understand if she only wanted a Maid/Matron of Honor and no bridesmaids, so she just picked her best friend as the Maid/Matron of Honor or something, but to pick one sister and not the other… Yeah, I wouldn’t be doing her any favors.
Post # 8
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
You said you are not that close and don’t share common interests. She only wants two bridesmaids. Being a part of her wedding planning has been an opportunity for the two of you to find some common ground and build a closer relationship. So, while I can understand being hurt for a minute that you’re not a bridesmaid I don’t understand wanting to throw the baby out with the bath water by taking a step back from everything. Plenty of people who are “just guests” host events and otherwise participate in weddings. You’ll get to wear a great dress of your own choosing, etc.
Post # 9
Member
3087 posts
Sugar bee
Aw man.. I’d be hurt too 🙁 That sucks.
But on the other hand, I think that you understand your relationship with her well enough to understand that this wasn’t a personal slight at you. Personally, I think she should have included you since she included your other sister and weddings are such a great bonding experience for sisters, but I also understand her wanting to keep it just to her two closest.
I think that with a bit of time the hurt will fade and you’ll just kind of get past it. You know that your hurt is justified but that it also isn’t worth damaging your relationship over. So I’d leave it alone. You told her you were hurt and why, but that you accept her decision, and that was the right call. I’d probably still go ahead with planning the shower because even though you’re not a bridesmaid, it can still be a fun and bonding experience with you, your mom and your sisters.
I would hope that your sister will acknowledge your support and contributions in her speech at the wedding. If she doesn’t, then I would be quite upset.
Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
Dang, bee…. that’s really rough. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I have one sister and one brother, and I feel equally as close to both of them. I do think my sister feels excluded at times (she’s been married with kids for 11 years, whereas I’m just now getting married and my brother is still single), so sometimes she’s not invited to events that aren’t kid-friendly. I mean, if we knew she was interested, we would definitely invite her. But she doesn’t like to go places if her kids can’t, which is fine, but it makes it difficult to include her. She’s mentioned to me before that she feels like our brother doesn’t like her as much, which I don’t believe is true, BUT they do have very different interests, just as you said you and your sisters do.
However, that being said, none of us would dream of leaving each other out of our weddings. I was my sister’s Maid/Matron of Honor, and our brother walked her down the aisle (our father isn’t in the picture.) It will be the exact same at my wedding, and my sister’s children will be flower girl and ring bearer. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I’d be insanely hurt if I were in your shoes, bee.
It’s her wishes, so it’s not like there is anything you can do. Forcing your way into the wedding party or throwing a fit won’t make you and your sister closer. I would go ahead and follow through with what you said you would do, but I wouldn’t take on any extra responsibilities past that. You have a right to be hurt, and she should be made aware of that. May I ask how old she is? To me, it sounds like she is on the younger side and may not realize the gravity of the situation. But there’s no way I could know that for sure.
Good luck, hun. Best wishes.
Post # 11
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee
Don’t do it. You’ll end up feeling used later.
Post # 12
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
I would follow through on everything you have already commited to doing, but would not commit to a thing more. That way no one can accuse you of being vindictive, but you don’t leave yourself open to being taken advatage of. Your sister doesn’t owe you the role of bridesmaid, but she is being thoughtless and unrealistic if she thinks she can include one sister and not the other with no hurt feelings involved.
Post # 13
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
agio0429 : I would be hurt too, and I’m not easily offended. Asking one out of two sisters is absolutely saying “this sister is more important.” Having a small bridal party isn’t an excuse. How would having 3 bridesmaids be different from having 2? It wouldn’t. There would be absolutely no difference AT ALL. This is really hurtful. For me, knowing now how she feels, I would no longer be able to do the other things joyfully. I would rather not do them at all than to do them resentfully. I don’t see it as petty or vindictive to pull back. You’re not saying “you didn’t make me a bridesmaid so now I’m not doing shit for you”, it’s more like “I can’t hide how hurt I am and don’t want that to be the focus of your happy occasions so I’m going to let someone who can do it joyfully step up.”
Post # 14
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
Dear Bee- What a difficult situation! I think you have every right to feel hurt and I don’t think you should in any way feel obligated to continue to invest time and energy (and, I’m assuming, money) into her bridal shower. I think relationships work as long as there is reciprocation because no one should feel taken advantage of. If it’s really about the size of her bridal party, why not remove her friend instead of you? I’m afraid that your sister may have other reasons she may not want to share with you in order to no hurt you further. I also don’t think it was kind of her to communicate this to you over text- that’s the cowardly way (and maybe that suggests she’s trying to hide her true feelings). What was her response when you told her you were hurt?
I understand that you are all three very different individuals, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the love and bond you have a sisters. I also have two sisters, one who’s two years older and another one who’s 13 years younger! At my wedding, my sisters were 32 and 17 and they were BOTH my bridesmaids. At times, my relationships with them have gotten rocky (we all have strong personalities and have different interests) but I never thought about excluding any one of them in my wedding and that has never prevented us from still finding time to spend time together, even if it’s to have a meal together.
Best of luck, bee! This is a tough one- I hope things get better though.
Post # 15
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
Wait, are you helping with the shower or planning the shower completely? If it’s just helping out then I think you still should considering that you did make this offer before she even chose her bridal party so I’m sure that your offer wasn’t conditional on being a bridesmaid so why rescind it now? I understand that you feel hurt but you said it yourself that you guys are not close so I think she’s excited to have you be apart of her wedding in other ways even if that means not being a bridesmaid. On the other hand if they expect you to plan the whole shower by yourself then I’d say no thank you and suggest that the bridal party take the lead on that but you’d be happy in assisting in whatever specific way you’d like.