Sisters wedding

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Would you continue to do the extra things?

    No

    Yes

  • Post # 16
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I dont’ think that its inappropriate for her to choose the people she is closest to as bridesmaids. And you say you aren’t “extremely close.” However, this IS a statement that she isn’t as close to you, and it is inappropriate to ask someone who isn’t close to you to throw you a shower. If you aren’t a bridesmaid, then you aren’t a bridesmaid, but then that means you don’t do “bridesmaid stuff.” I’d say she’s also dishonest for using numbers as an excuse. (Or if that’s true then that’s actually worse in some ways.) I’m not a big fan of playing rolls you don’t have the title for. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    4960 posts
    Honey bee

    Since this was by text I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt that when she said she still wanted you to plan her shower it wasn’t a greed thing but more of a you already started and volunteered (you weren’t asked initially, right?) So she presumes it is something you enjoy thing.  Because why volunteer if you don’t enjoy it?  And you weren’t even a bridesmaid at the point you volunteered, right?  So it wasn’t like you are doing it out of bridal party obligation and now she is just using you.

    I get that it sucks to be told you aren’t chosen.  No one likes that feeling and everyone likes to belong.  But it also sounds like you genuinely like your sister and enjoy the tasks you have volunteered to do, right?  So I would work hard to get over this and accept that life isn’t tit for tat, and make sure that whatever decisions you make aren’t made out of spite because you are hurt.  

    It is ok to not want to help her with wedding planning – it is ultimately her responsibility.  Just don’t not do it to be spiteful because that is a miserable mentality to be in and in the long run hurts you way more than it will ever hurt her.  Likewise, it is ok to want to do it and offer to help people even though you aren’t officially in the wedding party.  We tell people all the time when their wedding party bails on throwing showers or bachelorettes that literally anyone can throw them. 

    Of course all of this is assuming your sister is overall a decent caring person who doesn’t act entitled and her wedding party criteria selection isn’t because she hates you but still wants to use you.  I don’t get that sense though.  Wedding party selections occur for all sorts of random and inane reason and I think often times feelings don’t get entered into that equation.  Like even sides – it is ridiculously stupid but it is what it is.

    Post # 18
    Member
    5113 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Oh, how nice of her to allow you to plan her shower. OP, I’m sorry that your sister is an ass. I’d be hurt too. I never understand when people are so blind to the feelings of others.

    Post # 21
    Member
    13717 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I think what she did is pretty pathetic. My guess is she’s one of those unfortunate people who believe people are props and sides have to be even.

    You don’t have to be in a bridal party to plan a shower, but you do have to want to. I can understand it if you are no longer feeling up to the task. I can also see trying to be the bigger person. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    View original reply
    annabananabee :  But it sounds like she took the task, rightly or wrongly, thinking that she would be picked. It’s not necessarily spite. If you were under the impression that you were about to get a promotion, rightly or wrongly, you may take on tasks that would be commiserate with the new position; it might be disadvantageous not to. But when someone else gets the position you don’t continue to do that work. Maybe you look for the lookedfor position elsewhere. Maybe you accept your lower position at the same place. But what you don’t do is continue to put forth the same resources into a lesser position. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    571 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

    i wouldnt be hurt.

    Not being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean that your relationship is shot to pieces or any less than it was becoming. If you feel used then dont do anything more. You have said a few times that you are hurt so I think you need to do what helps you. 

    but thats my same advice to your sister. you said you only had the same interests when she got engaged but shes had same interests as her other sister for longer (?)

    but personally I’d be fine with not being bridesmaid to my sister and I’d still help out with stuff because 1. family are important to me and I’d want to help. 2. I enjoy weddings and planning and 3. I think it would continue to help the relationship. 

    And it sounds like she is worried about your feelings. I know you said this already that you dont want to be included now anyway but I feel like if she did do that the damage is done, so it’s really just going to come down to you dealing with and moving past the slight 

     

     

    just my opinion/thoughts!

    Post # 24
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Beeeeee she dropped you over text! Stone cold! Even if she’s wanting to keep the bridal party small for logistical reasons, that is a terrible way to treat a sister.

    I would graciously take a couple steps back and hand things off to the bridesmaids. You can help out on the day of with setting things up and helping the day run smooth, but I wouldn’t sweat another drop.

    Post # 26
    Member
    7799 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I think the answer is obviously no because you don’t want to do those things any longer. If you did, you wouldn’t have put no as the first poll choice! 

    I think what your sister did was hurtful and exclusionary. 

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