Post # 16
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
I dont’ think that its inappropriate for her to choose the people she is closest to as bridesmaids. And you say you aren’t “extremely close.” However, this IS a statement that she isn’t as close to you, and it is inappropriate to ask someone who isn’t close to you to throw you a shower. If you aren’t a bridesmaid, then you aren’t a bridesmaid, but then that means you don’t do “bridesmaid stuff.” I’d say she’s also dishonest for using numbers as an excuse. (Or if that’s true then that’s actually worse in some ways.) I’m not a big fan of playing rolls you don’t have the title for.
Post # 17
Member
4960 posts
Honey bee
Since this was by text I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt that when she said she still wanted you to plan her shower it wasn’t a greed thing but more of a you already started and volunteered (you weren’t asked initially, right?) So she presumes it is something you enjoy thing. Because why volunteer if you don’t enjoy it? And you weren’t even a bridesmaid at the point you volunteered, right? So it wasn’t like you are doing it out of bridal party obligation and now she is just using you.
I get that it sucks to be told you aren’t chosen. No one likes that feeling and everyone likes to belong. But it also sounds like you genuinely like your sister and enjoy the tasks you have volunteered to do, right? So I would work hard to get over this and accept that life isn’t tit for tat, and make sure that whatever decisions you make aren’t made out of spite because you are hurt.
It is ok to not want to help her with wedding planning – it is ultimately her responsibility. Just don’t not do it to be spiteful because that is a miserable mentality to be in and in the long run hurts you way more than it will ever hurt her. Likewise, it is ok to want to do it and offer to help people even though you aren’t officially in the wedding party. We tell people all the time when their wedding party bails on throwing showers or bachelorettes that literally anyone can throw them.
Of course all of this is assuming your sister is overall a decent caring person who doesn’t act entitled and her wedding party criteria selection isn’t because she hates you but still wants to use you. I don’t get that sense though. Wedding party selections occur for all sorts of random and inane reason and I think often times feelings don’t get entered into that equation. Like even sides – it is ridiculously stupid but it is what it is.
Post # 18
Member
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
Oh, how nice of her to allow you to plan her shower. OP, I’m sorry that your sister is an ass. I’d be hurt too. I never understand when people are so blind to the feelings of others.
Post # 19
Member
11 posts
Newbee
eurasianbee : Thank you for your advice! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in my feelings. I was feeling guilty about not helping out (it’s my personality, I like to help) so it’s nice to know that it’s not selfish if I don’t do the extra things. My parents aren’t happy with her at all… they’re behind me 110% and they actually told me to just move on with my life and not do everything
Post # 20
Member
11 posts
Newbee
bostonbee2018 : Thanks for your advice. Yeah, I think that I would be ok if there were more sisters and it wasn’t just me being left out but it’s just me so… Anyway. I think in some ways I’m kind of giving up. I’ve been trying hard to build a relationship with her and like I said, it’s not easy. Right now I’m wondering if it’d be more worthwhile to invest the time into people who want to spend time with me and not force things just because she’s my sister. There has to be effort on both sides and I’m not feeling it from her unfortunately. But that goes way beyond the wedding thing.
Post # 21
Member
13717 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think what she did is pretty pathetic. My guess is she’s one of those unfortunate people who believe people are props and sides have to be even.
You don’t have to be in a bridal party to plan a shower, but you do have to want to. I can understand it if you are no longer feeling up to the task. I can also see trying to be the bigger person.
Post # 22
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
annabananabee : But it sounds like she took the task, rightly or wrongly, thinking that she would be picked. It’s not necessarily spite. If you were under the impression that you were about to get a promotion, rightly or wrongly, you may take on tasks that would be commiserate with the new position; it might be disadvantageous not to. But when someone else gets the position you don’t continue to do that work. Maybe you look for the lookedfor position elsewhere. Maybe you accept your lower position at the same place. But what you don’t do is continue to put forth the same resources into a lesser position.
Post # 23
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
i wouldnt be hurt.
Not being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean that your relationship is shot to pieces or any less than it was becoming. If you feel used then dont do anything more. You have said a few times that you are hurt so I think you need to do what helps you.
but thats my same advice to your sister. you said you only had the same interests when she got engaged but shes had same interests as her other sister for longer (?)
but personally I’d be fine with not being bridesmaid to my sister and I’d still help out with stuff because 1. family are important to me and I’d want to help. 2. I enjoy weddings and planning and 3. I think it would continue to help the relationship.
And it sounds like she is worried about your feelings. I know you said this already that you dont want to be included now anyway but I feel like if she did do that the damage is done, so it’s really just going to come down to you dealing with and moving past the slight
just my opinion/thoughts!
Post # 24
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
Beeeeee she dropped you over text! Stone cold! Even if she’s wanting to keep the bridal party small for logistical reasons, that is a terrible way to treat a sister.
I would graciously take a couple steps back and hand things off to the bridesmaids. You can help out on the day of with setting things up and helping the day run smooth, but I wouldn’t sweat another drop.
Post # 25
Member
11 posts
Newbee
skunktastic : Thanks for your advice! I definitely understand not wanting your bridal party to be that uneven between sides. I would understand if there were 6 of us… that’s definitely not small and I think choosing 1 out of 6 is different than choosing 1 out of 2. 3 bridesmaids still isn’t a large bridal party. Even though we don’t have a lot in common we are still a pretty tight knit family and we all do things together. Going with her to try on dresses is just something my family does, we support each other. Also, it’s how she did it. Sending a text doesn’t convey much love or respect.Also, this is definitely not the first time that she’s done something like this. I never offered to help with the shower, I was just told when and where we were meeting to plan it. Traditionally it’s the bridesmaids that plan the shower. I know tradition doesn’t mean always mean anything anymore but that’s the way my family’s always done it and i tend to stick with tradition
Post # 26
Member
7799 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I think the answer is obviously no because you don’t want to do those things any longer. If you did, you wouldn’t have put no as the first poll choice!
I think what your sister did was hurtful and exclusionary.
Post # 27
Member
11 posts
Newbee
annabananabee : I didn’t volunteer… I was just told when and where to meet with my other sister, her friend and our mom. I was happy to help support my sister. However right now I’m wondering if it is worth continuing to try to please someone that does not want to put any effort into the relationship and does not want to include me in something that really should be about family. Relationships are 50/50 and if she can’t meet me in the middle then maybe it should time to let it go. If I keep doing things with the hope that it will make our relationship stronger I will keep getting hurt unless she puts in effort. There are people who do want me around that I can invest that time into. Sending me a text message is not very loving or respectful.
I haven talked made up my mind yet but the decision not to continue to help with the shower is not being made lightly. Definitely not doing it out of spite. Should I decide not to it would be because I’ve decided that I cannot carry this relationship On my own. Right now it is very one sided… I make the effort to be a part of her life and don’t feel it’s reciprocated. For my own happiness I may need to focus my efforts on people who are happy to spend time with me. Sometimes you need to know when to let go.
Post # 28
Member
11 posts
Newbee
echomomm : haha… nice psychology! I didn’t even think of that! Thanks for the advice
Post # 29
Member
11 posts
Newbee
janne91 : I get what you’re saying. I wish I wasn’t as sensitive as I’ve always been that way. I feel like family is important and i do like to help but I also think there’s 2 sides to that. If family were important to her I would think that she would want to include me. I also think she would have taken my feelings into account if family was important to her. This is not even close to the first time I’ve been a 3rd wheel. Relationships are a 2 way street. If I’m the one doing all the work it’s not going to happen.
Post # 30
Member
11 posts
Newbee
sunburn : Thank you for your advice. Makes me feel less selfish if I decide not to continue to contribute to something for someone that doesn’t make me feel wanted
Member