Post # 1
Good Morning Bees!
I’ve been here at the site for a while reading posts and getting very helpful advice (*thank you Mr. Bee) regarding proposals, engagements, waiting the whole bit of it. However now my situation is in such a jumble I don’t even know which way is up so I justt need to get it all out and maybe someone here can make me feel sane and upright once again.
Apologies in advance for the scattered jumble this discription will probably be.
My SO and I have been together for 2.5+ years (3 year anniversary is this August) and in the past 4 months I’d say we’d started talking about marriage. Long story short I have been feeling very alienated from him with this aspect because I can’t talk to him about it or bring it up without feeling naggy even though i rationalize in my head that I have only brought it up twice in the past 4 months and both times were VERY brief hardly in depth at all coverstations and I am used to talking to my SO about everything. He is my best friend advice giver and confidant so this whole engagement thing is just wigging me out because I can’t talk to the one person about it that I want to. I tried to stay strong and still not mention it because I knew he’d do it when he was ready but naturally I am just so excited for US and so not being able to freely talk about it is driving me insane so last Thursday I wrote a real letter and just expressed how i was feeling and that I wished we could be more open in talking about engagement/marriage and how even though i was scared because this is a big step i trust him and i trust us and i was ready for the leap. It basically was just my expression of where i stand and asking him youknow if he could help me deal with this experience but not completely leaving me in the dark. well he came home that day and said he liked my letter and his response was “do you trust me?” to which i replied yes of course and he just said then that’s all the needs to be said. UGHHHHH NO just more vague statements that don’t tell me anything. he even asked if that was an acceptable response but I just was speechless because it wasn’t even close did he read the letter?! lol he then noticed my just pure bewilderment at how to proceed and said well itw as going to be a surpise but i plan on writing a return letter. PHEW lol i was so scared my plee for some communication was lost and i would still be stuck in the dark. He then said that I should be patient and “like not expect it tomorrow”(friday) To which I said of course no pressure i just want to hear from you on this because i just feel like if a couple is ready for this commitment they should be able to talk about it. It’s only been about 4 days since then so I am jumping the gun but one thing about my SO is before he writes important emails or messages or ahs important talks he alwasy makes bulleted lists of points he wants to touch on and remember so if he were to be working on responding to me he’d have a list of points. There is no such list and there are no signs from him whatsoever that he’s even started looking at anything engagement related or started thinking about it. He never discusses it with friends NOTHING and i’m very observant and he’s bad at hiding stuff so the fact that i haven’t noticed anything means almost certainly that he hasn’t done anything for it yet. Which is fine we aren’t supposed to be getting engaged next week but he’s menioned in less than a year we would be “as long as nothing weird happens” (lmao what does that even mean… weird. life is already weird) so that isn’t really that much time and he hasn’t even started saving yet or thinking about it? I don’t know maybe he got better at hiding things all the sudden and the frustrating thing is if he would just answer my letter by talking to me about it i would have a better idea of what is going on. I am not saying he needs to tell me he got a ring or has already planned what he is going to do I just want to know what his thoughts are or if he is excited ANYTHING! So now i feel like i am still in the dark on the whole engagement/wedding topic AND NOW i am in the dark on when to get an answer letter back which he hasn’t even started which upsets me because i feel like he is blowing me off and it’s especially hurtful because in my letter i expressed how much the silence between us about this topic really made me feel distant from him and it stressed me out and really upset me emotinoally because we are so close in every other way so now for him to know that and be delaying his response due to lazyness/beatingaround the bush still just seems really careless towards me. Am i being selfish?!
I can’t ask about the letter either because he told me to be patient. I am sick of waiting around for him to respond to me you know that is what i had hoped my letter to him would help him to see but now i am just in 2 of the same situation. It also doesn’t help that this morning he was boasting all about how he is getting the new macbook pro with retna display (we’re both nerds him more than i so he “HAS” to have the lastest technology) well that’s going to be still at least a 1,500 dollar commitment and so that also adds to my belief that he is not planning to propose as he leads on with words. I don’t really care if he’s not going to anytime soon but then don’t lead me on to believe otherwise even if you’re trying to suprise me because i am not surprised i am confused, stressed, and lost.
I mostly just focus on myself ie going to the gym or organizing the apt but occasionally like today I just have wee little breakdown haha thanks for listening to my vent
anyone with advice or similar situation
I am ALLLLLLL ears
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re having a wee little breakdown.. i have those days too!
“do you trust me?” to which i replied yes of course and he just said then that’s all the needs to be said.
I’m sure he wants to surprise you!!
I would be frusrated if i wanted to talk to him about it and he didn’t want to have the discussion with me, but once you’ve determined you’re both on the same page, then all you can do it wait and not keep bringing it up, or else you’re taking the surprise out of it..
(i need to take that advice as well because i’m guilty of always bringing it up too! ) … this is just the same advice i’ve been given here on the bee..
I’m extremely impatient.. and i’m sick of waiting, but i’ve been really trying hard these past few weeks to just not bring it up and act like its not ALWAYS on my mind… i think if i keep reminding him that he hasn’t done it yet its only going to delay him from doing it… and i don;t want to keep pushing it back even further! 😉
Good luck hun..
Post # 4
I agree with killerQueen13. The waiting sucks and somedays it’s worse than others. At this point, you’ve expressed your feelings and he knows what’s going on, so I think you have to wait. It feels like hell when you can’t speak more often and freely about a topic that’s so important to you. However, it’s his show now. You literally have done all you can do. So yes, now you trust that he’s going to do what he said he is.
I’m coming to learn how being impatient could come off as not trusting your man. If he has a plan, especially one to surprise you, he NEEDS you to trust him. My SO wants so desparately to surprise me and for everything to be perfect. But my constant questioning of when it’s going to happen made him think I was not trusting him.
I think there’s an appropriate amount of time that you should let it go and wait for him to do this thing. Whether that’s a month, 3 months, 6 months or 9 months is up to you. For now, find things that interest you instead of worrying yourself sick over when he’s going to write his letter to you or when he’s going to propose.
Easier said than done, but you’ll be happier if you aren’t thinking about it all the time.
Post # 5
Thank you so much bees!
It is hard to wait but right now my biggest concern and worry is the fact that the gears are turing around us (i.e. Both his mother and father commenting on us getting married. His mom occasionally refers to me as her daughter-in-law in public. Him aparantly already talking about it with his mom already as well as comments from my family etc) but between him and i there is nothing. I want so desperately for him to understand that I am not bringing up the topic of waiting because I haven’t even been waiting very long. I just want to be able to talk about it with him. Not the specific engagement itself but just about the commitment of getting engaged/married. I want to know his hopes fears, etc. Does that make sense? At the same time I don’t want him to think I am not ready to get engaged because I totalllllly am. I never ever ever ever ever thought i’d get engaged so slowly coming to the realization that it is a real possibility has just got me on cloud 9. So i don’t want there to be any delay by my bringing up the topic with him or him thinking i’m miserably waiting around but I am just at my wits end with not knowing ANYTHING from his point of view. That’s why I am so frustrated with his longer response time to the letter. I had hoped it would start a coverstation between us and thought by giving it to him in letter form it would give him the power of some alone contemplation before coming home to me so it didn’t seem like I was attacking him or pressuring. But now he’s making that response a surprise but i don’t WANT a surprise I want him to calm my worries and share his feelings with me. I don’t think I am making any sense though does anyone see what i mean and maybe have a better way I can go about expressing myself to him?!
Thank you XD
Post # 6
I feel like you and I have the same exact situation!! 🙁
There has been times where I tried to do what you did with the letter thing except it was all via text message. He eneded up telling me how he felt right away but it was still very vague. He even asked me if I trust him and I cant forget that he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with forever….well it will be 4 years this Nov….I dont understand if he knows that I am the one then whats the deal!?!
My SO just got a Mac book pro as well ABOUT A MONTH AGO and so funny we just had the conversation last night about the new one with retna display…well he wants it and he is willing to trade in his new one he just got which is only like $750 then pay the rest for the new one!! Im like really???? you just spent $1500 on that one now you want to get rid of it?? and you cant save for my ring?? 🙁
uggghgh…this venting drives me up the wall but know this dear that you are not alone and this is why I am on the Bee. 🙂 I wish the best for you and keep your head up…hopefully you will get his letter soon and it will have some awesome news in it. 🙂
Post # 7
I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that the two other times you guys talked about it that it wasn’t really a conversation .. ( because you said it was vague) I’m really oblivious sometimes! I took it like you had a talk and knew you were on the same page..
It is important to have that talk so that while you wait you know that he does truly intend to ask you one day.. Near or far (hopefully not too far!).. Me and my SO have had the marriage talk awhile ago so I know he wants marriage and kids and that he wants that for me, but I’m still waiting… Not so patiently, but I’m trying to work on that 😉
The letter was a good idea I think, but if it ends up taking him a week or more than maybe you should ask him to talk. And don’t let him brush theconversation off.. Just tell him
You need to know if the two of you want the same things in your future.
Post # 8
Wants that WITH mE, not FOR me.. Sorry! Stupid iphone
Post # 9
You are all so helpful and @killerQueen13 I think you really had a great point to keep in mind. When it does come down to us being on the same page and it’s just a matter of time a good motivator to keep quiet and go with the flow is the trust issue. I think you are 100% right, our SO’s need us to trust them with this because if we don’t then what are we doing in the first place! Granted it is hard to wait, my real waiting period probably hasn’t really even begun seeing as how my SO hasn’t started saving/planning but I still already have a small collection of things i’ve seen that i’ve liked online/magazines. It’s going to be a LONG wait for this girl hahaha
I saw that just last night at 1am he made a note to himself to remind him to start working on the note and it really does frustrate me because I want to just have this discussion. I can do the waiting thing once we’re on the same page but after alluding to my anxiety and frustration at this point in the game and he still delays talking about it just gets me all flustered. It’s not like he’s purposely trying to make me wait or accidentally “forgetting” he just honestly doesn’t see it as a big deal and that SUCKS. I know for a fact he has been very light on work this week AND I had given the letter to him on a Thursday in hopes he’d have time to work on it over the weekend during which nothing was really done and we could talk about it Sunday night or possibly later. Now it’s Wednesday and he JUST made the reminder to start it. Hasn’t actually started so I must wait longer. Half the time I think i’m just psyching myself out then other times I just have a example upon example of him not meanly or spitefully or anything but just putting himself before us and I just don’t think he’s really mentally switched from a me to an us. He’s a great boyfriend… beyond great. He tells me he loves at least once a day and always wants to cuddle. He is sweet to me in public and always wants to hang out with me. All in all just a wonderful, wonderful man. I think this is just a critical change for us since this is both of our first real relationship and I don’t think he sees it yet. So none of this is as serious for him as it is for me. Also that’s probably furthered by the whole stereotype that weddings are for the bride. (so outdated).
BUT brighter note, he has at least made a note to start the note.
progress…. slowly but surely.
Post # 10
@raye9289: but i don’t WANT a surprise I want him to calm my worries and share his feelings with me.
I was the same way as you! I did NOT want to be kept around waiting in the dark about when these changes in my future would happen. I made that very clear to my husband before we were engaged too…. I need to have control!! Waiting for someone else to make my decisions without me kinda turns me psycho…. it’s not pretty. I always dreamed of proposing to a man, while still being the pretty, blushing, princess bride. I’m so thankful to have a man loves that part of me!
If you and your SO talk about everything and are best friends, then he should be able to compromise with you so it’s not “just his show now.” Having you miserable and tortured for months on end will not help his cause!!!! If my husband had been like “do you trust me?” I would have been like “yes I trust and love you, but I also trust that you will put my personality and needs above antiquated traditions!”