Situation with friend

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Hostess
4557 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@maggie2020:  I definitely would not say anything.  If you’re friends with his S.O. and she brings it up, I’d tell her that she should address her concerns directly with her boyfriend.  

Post # 3
Member
3486 posts
Sugar bee

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@maggie2020: 

“Should I say something to him?” 

No, that would be a betrayal of her trust.

 

Should I encourage them to set up a meeting and try to establish boundaries? 

Again, no. The living arrangements of others should not be a concern of yours.

Post # 4
Member
8256 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I dont think you should tattle or say directly to him that she wants him out, but I’d probably bring up “the future” with him. Like “wow, john and sara are getting pretty serious! What do you think, are they going to get married?” and maybe just plant the seed of “hey i should be thinking about what my plans are if they are serious”. 

Post # 5
Member
5045 posts
Bee Keeper

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

What are you going to tell him?

“Hi! So we don’t talk much anymore and I’m about to betray the trust of someone who was venting to me…but your roommate’s girlfriend feels uncomfortable around you and she told me they’ve been having very vague talks with no concrete plan yet about asking you to maybe move out in the future. So I just thought I would tell you to make sure that everyone is uncomfortable now for however long you continue to live there.”

The guys aren’t Bert and Ernie.  I’m sure none of them thought they would live together forever.  And surely they figured one or both of them would find an SO and eventually want to change up the living environment.

You don’t know what this guy is going to do.  Maybe they’ll have a fight and break up.  Maybe they’ll talk to the roommate about how his behavior makes her uncomfortable instead of asking him to move.  Maybe the guy doesn’t plan to ask him to move until he’s ready to live with the girlfriend and that may be months or years from now.  Maybe he will be a decent guy and give him advanced notice just like any landlord would give their tenant since really that’s what this is.

MYOB.  You’ve got enough of your own issues to handle without interfering in others.

Post # 6
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s really not your place to get involved.

You know from previous experience that trying to set boundaries with him is difficult and has alienated him. It would probably be best all around if he were to move out… as his landlord/roommate’s relationship grows more serious and his girlfriend is around more often, the situation is not going to improve. 

Let things play out. Don’t betray her trust by saying something to him.

Post # 7
Member
14 posts
Newbee

You’re right – you would regret getting involved. Agree with PPs, it’s not your place to interfere with this.

Post # 8
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t tell him. 

A couple eventually wanting to live alone together is totally normal and doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the third person that they’re living with. Telling your friend that the couple is gossiping about it to their mutual friends is going to feel a lot more hurful and personal. 

I’d just let it play out naturally, but encourage your friends to be kind about it when they make a decision. 

Post # 10
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

What does him having CP have to do with any of this? Ableist much?

Post # 11
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

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@peanutbutterandjam:  Oh, I disagree…it helps to paint a picture of who he is and explains why OP might take additional steps to help him out.  Let’s not be all woke for woke’s sake. 

OP, I think your intentions are sweet but I echo the sentiment to let it play out on its own, which it appears you’ve decided to do.  You’d be a good friend, though, to be there for him after the fact.

Post # 12
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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@peanutbutterandjam:  Maybe mentioning that is so people don’t pull the asshole move, “Well, then he needs to work hard and get a better job; all people have the same opportunities to make it in life!” 

Post # 13
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

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@maggie2020:  

I say this with the greatest care and respect because I am a little bit this way myself (and I have to consciously work on having boundaries with myself), but you sound like you may be a bit of a rescuer.

It’s noble that you don’t want your friend to get turfed out of his living arrangement, but your getting involved and saying something is just going to cause drama. First of all, the girlfriend was just venting – she and her SO have not come to a decision yet and so to mention it to your friend would be premature. The couple may decide against it in the end. Either way, you have to give them the space (and the trust) to do the right thing and let your friend know in good time about their intentions. It is for them to tell him with enough notice, and work out a fair arrangement for all involved, not you. By you going behind their backs and saying something to your friend, you are giving the couple a vote of no confidence that they will do the right thing by themselves.

More than that, you set yourself up with impossible expectations of being the one who has the responsibility of rescuing people from difficult situations. That is not your responsibility. Regardless of your relationship with them or their ability/disability. Adults have the right (and the responsibility) to see to their own affairs, unless they are in danger or ask for your help.

Just my 2 cents.

Post # 14
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@obviousanonymous:  So you are just doubling down on your ableist stance?  Perhaps if society didn’t see CP as a problem, he’d be able to get a better job and support himself better. Or date himself and have someone HE wanted to move in with.

@cart: One test for if things are ableist or not is to replace the statement with race.  If she’d mentioned in the opening sentence that he was black, would it have read as racist?  Yes.  Ergo mentioning that he has CP is ablist.  Turn her stance around too– if she mentioned that he was black then people wouldn’t expect him to get a better job.  Racist.  So mentioning that he has CP= ableist.

Post # 15
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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@peanutbutterandjam:  nonsense.  Someones race is completely different than a physical and mental condition that limits a person’s ability to function normally.

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