- 2 months ago
I saw a few older threads about bees who got engaged without the “surprise style” proposal and thought I’d share my story as well.
My fiancée and I have been together just over 2 years, but have been friends for about a decade now. It was one of those romances where we knew pretty early on that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives; just fell absolutely head over heels for one another immediately.
The pandemic really solidified the desire to get married for me. We couldn’t see each other for about a month at the start of everything, and suddenly life came into sharper focus. We had only been officially a couple for about 6 months, but I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man.
We’ve been talking marriage ever since. I went back and forth for a while about the proposal. We talked about the possibility of me being the one to propose, as it kind of suits our style as a couple. But after thinking about it a while I decided that it wouldn’t feel right to me. My fiancée was married once before, more out of guilt/obligation than love. I needed to be totally sure that he really WANTED this the way I did. I decided it was important to me to have no doubt in my mind that he was all in, and if I did the asking then some part of me might always wonder.
Next we defaulted to him proposing. We decided on a general timeline related to a personal milestone and then I left it alone for a while. But after thinking about what I wanted out of our engagement, him planning a proposal just didn’t feel right to me. I know for a lot of people the grand gesture or presentation of the ring is a really important part of getting engaged (and I support that fully, live your happiest life!). But it felt to me that going this route turned him into the “asking partner” and turned me into the “waiting partner”. I couldn’t shake that that didn’t feel right for us.
I brought it back up with my guy, and he saw where I was coming from (though he did already have a plan in mind – oops!). But we found ourselves at a loss for what to do instead – what felt like the right way for us to take this next step together? We decided we’d like to go on a trip to celebrate, but didn’t get much farther than that.
Jump to a couple weeks ago. We were caught by surprise that the milestone we’d tied our engagement to came half a year sooner than expected. There was no plan in place for this, nothing prepared. But we just sat down and reaffirmed that yes, we absolutely, 100% want to be married. And what it means to be engaged is really up to us.
So we’re engaged. We started meeting with jewelers together and picked out a diamond for my ring (it should be here Thursday!) The only thing we’re postponing is making the news public – I want jewelry to show off! So we’re having the ring made, taking a short trip together for February, and plan to announce at that point by calling the families and sending cute kitschy photos of us together for friends.
It is simple and sweet and feels very us. I love that every step of the way we are taking hand in hand. It took a lot of discussion to get to this point, but it really allowed us to deconstruct the concept of proposals and engagement, and to pick out only the things we really care about. Deciding to just say “screw it, we’re engaged” has really opened up our ability to start planning the rest of it in earnest, which is super exciting too!