(Closed) Slave to Jealousy :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Can I ask why therapy isn’t possible?  I think it’s crucial.  Your relationship can’t survive this!  Unfortunately, Fiance gave you reason to distrust him which is spurring this.  You need to at least seek help for yourself, if not the both of you!

Post # 4
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t know if this helps any because every person is so different but, I used to be super jealous as well. For me it went away with time, and a little “practice?” I can’t explain it in any other way.

When I’m feeling jealous, or low, I think of the face that my SO makes when he looks at me, and I think about the things he has told me about his love/how I look etc. I did this everytime I felt bad about myself for about a month, and guess what? After that time period, I stopped having those thoughts in the first place.

It’s not a perfect fix, but reminding yourself of his love over a long period of time,may cause you to believe it yourself. 

 

Post # 6
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jealousbee:  First of all, ((hugs)).  And lighten up on yourself a little, for starters.

The thing with jealousy is that it’s a very complicated emotion.  Sometimes it does stem from insecurity, as you’ve said yours does and sometimes it stems from an actual event where your trust was betrayed, as you’ve also said yours was.  It seems as though you’ve forgiven your Fiance and have regained some of the trust you feel was lost over the doubts you had about the other girl when you were in a LDR and that’s good.  If he is now behaving in a trustworthy way then he does deserve your trust.

Think of trusting him as giving him a gift.  The more you trust someone, actually the more trustworthy they become. 

You’ve been very insightful to realize your jealousy stems from your own low self-esteem and insecurity.  That is very fixable!  Start with small steps and take one each day.  Think of it as a healing process.  Every day look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re wonderful, even if you don’t believe it at first.  And tell yourself you’re beautiful, sexy and brilliant.  Obviously your Fiance loves you, is with you and doesn’t want you to feel badly about yourself.

Take steps to make yourself more attractive in your OWN eyes.  Whatever that may be.  If you feel you need to get in better shape, work on that by working out.  If you feel you need to look more appealing, try upping your fashion game, for example.  Realize this is your one and only life and it can be very, very good if you learn to be good to yourself.

Self-confidence will come with each new thing you achieve.  It’s not really about other people, other women, or your Fiance.  It’s about your issues with yourself.  Realize also that the one simple trait of feeling confident actually makes you more attractive to other people.  Realize that something as simple as laughter can brighten your soul. 

It will work.  Think of it as if being jealous is being selfish.  You’re feeling down in the dumps and bringing your Fiance and others down with you.  Start on an upward spiral instead of a downward spiral, each and every day of your life.  If you start to feel down, stop it right there and take a moment to breathe, look around you, and be thankful for the blessings in your life.

Your jealousy and insecurity will melt away once you learn to fall in love with the beautiful Goddess you truly are.

Peace.

Post # 7
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@jealousbee:  I don’t know much about online therapy.

I would recommend continuing with the self-help books.  Have a serious talk with Fiance and say you need his help in building you up.  Would you feel comfortable asking him to read a book?  I swear by The Five Love Languages.  It sounds like you need some words of affirmation!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Always remember, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself!

Post # 8
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He chose you. He loves you. You have to allow yourself to believe that.

I had major insecurity issues through a good portion of our relationship. Fiance and I initially started dating and had been together a couple months when he dumped me. A couple months later, he came (crawling) back. While he’d tell me he made a mistake, was so happy we’re together, loved me, all of that, there was still a little voice of insecurity that said he left me once.

Finally I had to do something like what Stoppy321 and just shut those nagging voices down. Every time they popped up, I thought of him telling me all of those wonderful things. I also told him that it would help to tell me those things more often and be more affectionate. I don’t know what your Fiance is like, but do you want to be told “I love you” every day? Do you want him to hold your hand and show you off? If you aren’t big on PDA that’s fine, but there’s nothing wrong with asking him to be a little more affectionate, and you as well, to keep reminding each other of your love.

ETA: I second MilksMom. I haven’t read the book, but Fiance and I did the Five Love Languages assessment as part of our premarital counseling and it helped us see how we perceive love from one another. There is a “quiz” online at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Post # 11
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’ve definitely fallen prey to bouts of jealousy or insecurity before, and I know that it’s an absolutely awful feeling. Honestly, time has been the best thing to heal me. Now I’m at a point where I can’t believe that I was ever insecure in my relationship.

Post # 12
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I used to be this way as well, and I’m tearing up because I know what it feels like and I HATE to think of anyone feeling that way.

Beth Moore is a great start! I found that it helped me to read books such as these, constantly pray, but also I had some really good advice….anytime that a bad thought came into my head I had to counter it with two good ones!

It’s a process and it will take time, but I am assuming you are Christian since reading Beth Moore. A lot of prayer and countering your bad thoughts!

Post # 13
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I thought of something else to add:  You said you’re jealous of other women, especially other women you perceive as threats to your relationship with your Fiance.

First of all, please keep in mind that 99.9% of the women your Fiance comes into contact with are really not interested in him.  Most of them probably have their own relationships to worry about.  So, in reality, very few, if any, women you run across will be an actual threat. 

Secondly, here’s a secret:  Those other women are just as insecure as you are at times.  No normal, psychologically healthy human being is immune from feeling jealousy and insecurity.  Jealousy really isn’t the weakness or enemy you perceive it to be.  In fact, being overly confident is called being narcissistic and that is the exact opposite of what healthy people see as an attractive quality in another person.  Remember when you see a woman you think is prettier than you, or weighs less than you, or has on a cuter outfit than you, that she is also a human being with her own vulnerabilities and insecurities, just like you. 

Concern yourself with yourself more, and stop looking at and judging other people, either as better or worse than you are. 

Stop comparing, and it will help you a lot.

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I was 17 when we started dating I was insecure and a bit jealous. How I got over it was as I got older I realized how lucky I was to have a good guy hes never done anything to make me not trust him in the 6 years we have been dating and I know how much he loves me so now I am completely comfortable and trusting. If someone is a cheater and thats who they are then they will cheat no matter what. if your watching over them or not, and usually people find out. Just relax hes with you because he loves you your only going to push him away. If someone I dated was super jealous and didn’t trust me I wouldn’t want to be with them anymore. I don’t know how I can help maybe you just need his reasurrence every so often. There are some places that have group therapy sessions that you can join in on and they can help you to be more independant and less jealous. Kind of like AA but its called something different My friend goes to them and its really helped her. 

Post # 15
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Oh! I wanted to add that it sounds like your Fiance really cares about you and how you are feeling, think about how wonderful it is to have someone that take the steps as he has to help you feel better about the situations.

Your right he may get tired of it, and it may get annoying…you don’t want to abuse what he has given you or over use it if that makes sense :). You want to get to the point that you look to yourself for confirmation that your a good person, you are beautiful and that you are unique from the others and WORTHY of your Fiance (but it is still nice to get this from your FI). Challenge yourself to think of what you that they don’t, remind yourself of what you are blessed with.

He chose you 🙂

 

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