- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I have another account and post frequently, but wanted to do this anonymously.
I am a super, super jealous person.
I hate it and feel like I am trapped in my jealousy and can’t get out. I love my Fiance so much and try so hard to trust him, but I feel like I’m broken or something. He can barely even speak to another girl (old friend, coworker, etc.) without me feeling jealous. I’ve gotten much about how I react to it – I don’t usually say anything anymore – but I feel like I can’t control the feelings.
I think the root of this problem is my insecurity. I have really low self-esteem and if I compare myself to another girl, the other will always prettier, better, nicer, etc. in my opinion. I just don’t understand why my Fiance would want to be with me rather than someone else…
My Fiance used to be more supportive but I think he’s (understandably) gotten sick of it. I don’t really talk to him about it anymore and try to keep him from noticing if I’m jealous.
I just want to leave this behind me and start married life with my Fiance completely happy and trusting. But I don’t know how… I’m in tears writing this because I feel so trapped inside myself. About a year ago I read the Beth Moore book “So Long Insecurity” and it seemed to help with the feelings for awhile, but not long.
I’m hesitant to say this because I don’t want to give the wrong impression of my Fiance, but there was also something that kind of spurred this. We used to have a LDR and I would often feel like he was SO distant with me. I even asked a friend of his if there was ‘someone else’ but the friend didn’t think so. Later on when we were living together again I learned about this girl who he had been good friends with while I was gone. Evidently some people thought they were dating, but he’s adament that they were never dating. I think that was what drove jealousy and insecurity so deeply into my heart. His friends and family don’t even know her (his sister is my best friend and was apalled when I told her about it) but HER friends seem to think they dated. However it happened, three years have passed and I just want to let go and move on. We only see her about once a year, she/FI don’t have each others’ phone numbers, and he’s blocked her online (Facebook, etc.) just to make me happy. I think she has a boyfriend now. I don’t really worry about her anymore, but now I worry about every other girl that comes into our life…
Anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone ‘overcome’ jealousy? Therapy isn’t possible for a number of reasons. At least not in-person therapy. I’ve been long interested in online therapy but can’t really afford to spend on it.