(Closed) Sleeping Arrangement Problems, and Sex Problems

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Unless he’s been tested , you don’t know if he has sleep disordered breathing. He may not have obvious OSA, but he may have UARS or mild apnea. Snoring also has treatment options. I’m an RPSGT. 

That is not gas lighting. As someone who survived gaslighting this really irritates me. Gaslighting makes you question your sanity deliberately. He’s having a tanty because he’s sensitive about it. Massive difference. 

If he’s not in the mood for sex, he has the right to say no. If you guys are bickering a lot that could be why. Try not bringing it up right after you make an attempt. Bring it up at a neutral time and ask him what’s up as opposed to saying “you are upsetting me”. 

Post # 5
3900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
devlinkelli : he must get tested. Meanwhile get an inflatable maters or a futon or something so you can sleep in the other room. 

Post # 6
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
devlinkelli :  well, whoa. Pushing you away, hand on your forehead? That’s a little harsh. I think you have every reason to feel hurt by that. 

Its possible he’s reacting badly because he’s embarrassed, but that’s not your responsibility or problem.

The first problem is lack of sleep, because no one can function well without good sleep consistently. You guys need to talk about his overall health, he needs to see the doctor re snoring, you need to make a plan that you both agree to re how snoring will be managed until medical intervention can help so that you both rest.

but. He needs to stop being a jerk, also. No more pushing you away. He needs to use his words and maybe you need to think about how you’re asking, and instead of getting close to him first, feel out the situation and consider whether he’s had any rest. 

While he might not be gaslighting you, he is being immature and snapping at you and turning things around on you, so he isn’t fighting well. Of course you’re mad, you can’t sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. 

So start with getting sleep as a priority. Both of you agree what will work somyou can both get a solid nights rest consistently. 

Post # 7
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Has he gone to a sleep clinic to be observed over night for sleep apnea? That’s the only way you’ll know if he has it or not.

Even if he doesn’t have sleep apnea, there are things he can do to try and reduce the snoring. My Fiance is a chronic snorer and I am a light sleeper so I really feel your pain. For Fiance, I noticed that his snoring got really bad a few months into our relationship when he had gained about 10 lbs. He wasn’t overweight, just put on a little extra. He recently did the whole30 and by week two his snoring had completely stopped. So I am definitely thinking it is diet related. 

Other tihngs to try:

  • You can get ear plugs (this didn’t work for me, but it does work for some people).
  • Try putting a humidifier in your room – sometimes a dry room can exacerbate snoring.
  • Have him drink hot tea at night right before going to bed..the steam helps  clear the nasal passage and reduce snoring (this helps with FI’s snoring a little bit).
  • Ask him to sleep with two pillows instead of one so his head is propped up high – that can really help. 
  • Invest in a couch and/or a second bedroom! This is a huge one. When Fiance and I were apartment hunting, I INSISTED on a 2 bedroom, which we put a separate bed in. This meant getting not as nice of an apartment as we could have had if we got a 1br but it is worth it. On nights when he snores it is SUCH a relief to be able to slip into the spare room and just not have to lie there with increasing rage and frustration at not being able to sleep cause of his snoring. It has really done wonders for the situation.
  • Have him get tested for sleep apnea. Fiance hasn’t done this yet but I am working on him. I have some relatives who got diagnosed with sleep apnea and said using the mask at night has literally changed their lives.

I think if you guys can figure out a way to both sleep peacefully at night it will also improve other areas of your life, includign your sex life. I hope it works out!

Post # 8
6968 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Earplugs? I can see how he’s getting upset with you about it though because it sounds like you think he’s doing it on purpose or something. 

As for the sex thing…you say he has a higher sex drive than you, so how often are you having sex? You say he literally pushes you away 4-5 times a week. How many times is he initiating? Frankly, you can’t force him to be in the mood. He has a right to say no but I get how that can make you feel unwanted. I don’t know how old you two are or how long you’ve been together, but it’s perfectly normal for your sex life to not be as active as you get older. You say he’s really tired from work all the time so maybe that and stress is causing him to not be in the mood as much. 

Post # 9
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
devlinkelli :  Has he tried those nose strips for snoring? I travelled with my best friend that was a snorer, they were a lifesaver.

And lack of sleep and increase of snapping could definetly be a factor in his lack of sex drive (both my DH and I are very mental people that way – if we are “off” in the relationship, our sex life suffers), but using physical reactions is immature and kind of passive aggressive. Ask him about it, ask him how he’s feeling. He may not even be aware of why he’s feeling less inclined until you bring it up.

Post # 10
4270 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You have to stop keeping score when it comes to sex. I totally get feeling rejected (and disagree with the way he does it!), but if he’s not into it, he’s not into it. If my husband came to me saying  “you have said no to sex X times”, I would feel like he was essentially saying I owe him now. 

The way he says no, and the frequency of sex are two different conversations . 

Post # 13
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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devlinkelli :  “I’m a little nervous to bring anything up that related to snoring, because I feel like he’s so on edge lately that I don’t want to embarass him.”

What!? No…you have to be able to talk about this. It’s affecting you both in serious ways. Frankly, your husband should WANT to find ways to stop snoring for your sake. You really should not feel you have to walk on eggshells around your husband with any topic, but especially not with something like this that is actually affecting your health and emotional wellbeing.

I would raise the topic in a calm moment – i.e. not in the middle of the night when he’s woken you up with his snoring and you are despairing. Just be like “hey babe, about your snoring, I read that xyz can really help – would you be open to trying that?”

If he’s not even open to talking about it or trying different tactics to improve the situation, then frankly he’s an asshole. It’s not his fault that he snores, but it is his fault if he refuses to address the situation or even entertain a conversation about it…it’s selfish and douchey.

Post # 14
6968 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
devlinkelli :  In your post you sound really mad at him for snoring, which is obviously something he can’t help. I’m not saying that you actually do think he’s doing it on purpose, just that instead of being upset at the situation you sounded mad at HIM. So maybe HE feels that way too. Like you’re mad at him for something he cannot control. Just trying to give a different perspective why he seemed to be hurt/upset about it. 

Post # 15
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I have never heard that working too much causes snoring. I mean I get what he means, but I wouldn’t brush this off as being overtiredness or stress without talking to a doctor.

So it started about a month ago? Does he have seasonal allergies? If he’s congested from seasonal allergies, that could be why. But I really think he should go to the doctor about this. Sleep apnea is serious and he needs to be tested just in case. 

And please go to the drugstore and get some earplugs today. My dad is a very loud snorer and if it wasn’t for my mom’s earplugs they’d be divorced by now. 

So you need to try to bring up these heavy topics at a neutral time. Look up how to communicate in a healthy way. Avoid making him defensive or uncomfortable. Just go ahead and be the bigger person. “Babe, I’m really sorry if I’ve made you feel bad about snoring. I know it’s not your fault, and I’m so thankful for how hard you work. I think I’m just frustrated because I’m worried about your health and our relationship. And also I haven’t been sleeping that well either. Do you have any ideas for what we should do going forward? I love you so much and I want to make sure we can talk about these things.” 

If you guys can’t talk about this stuff, it may be time to go to therapy. Fix this before it gets worse. I think if you don’t work on this now, you may end up resenting him for the lack of sex and sleep. These could become problems that destroy your relationship. So work hard on this, and don’t be afraid to see a therapist before it gets worse.

And also, try to keep thinking from his perspective. We don’t know what’s going on with his health. We don’t know why he’s not interested in sex. He’s probably feeling embarrassed, which is why he’s trying to make it cute when he rejects you. You guys need to have a serious discussion about these things asap. And the whole time, stay calm, use your “I statements”, and keep on putting yourself in his shoes.

Good luck, Bee. This has got to be so hard on both of you. And go get those earplugs!

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