(Closed) sleeping over vs. living together

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

The way we both go about things. Wasn’t a “challenge” in the negative sense. Just something we had to learn about each other. He likes his polos washed a certain way…so I don’t do his laundry. I like the carpets to be really clean, so I don’t make him keep up with my high carpet standards and I do the vaccuuming. I like to cook with the fridge door and a couple cabinets open and clean as I go. He likes everything shut and to clean after. So a lot of times we take turns cooking by ourselves and when we are together we just stay mindful of our peculiarities.

Basically – a lot of times, not always, but a lot of times there isn’t a WRONG way to do something, just different ways. Nothing to be too nervous about. Enjoy. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 18
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I LOVE living together. We moved in together after dating for about a year and a half. I know a lot of people think you should wait till your engaged/married/whatever. But honestly, I wasn’t ready for that step. I knew I WANTED it. But not at that moment. So it ws either keep up the hassle of going back and forth, or just move in together already. And I. Freaking. Love. It.No going back and forth. You save money on rent and food (having only one kitchen to keep stocked up is nice). Yes doing chores is annoying, but it’s a convo you’d have to have regardless of when you move in together, so might as well get it out of the way.

I personally feel that people who don’t live together before engagement/marriage are a little unprepared for what they are getting into. I know it’s more traditional to wait, I just love the perks it brings. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 19
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

To me, there is a world of difference between sleeping over and living together.

Chores/cooking weren’t and aren’t a big issue for us. What I did notice, however, is that by living together – and spending more time in close proximity – there are more chances to get things right or to screw up. 

It’s like driving a car and accidents; the more you’re on the road, the greater the liklihood that, at some point, you’ll get in an accident. If you’re never on the road, then you’re not going to have to deal with a potential accident. 

I’m a big promoter of being wise and having a tender heart. Know you and your capacities before moving in. Know his the best you can. Remember why you’re together in the first place.

And just for fun – according to my professor, who is PhD educated and a current/practicing licensed marriage and family therapist, studies that evaluated couples cohabitating before marriage vs. those not cohabitating before marriage show no major differences. So, living together before marriage will not “boost” the odds of having a successful marriage. Some studies even suggest that cohabitating prior to marriage can be detrimental to the success of a marriage and can thus lead to a greater probability of divorce.

Post # 20
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

We moved in after about 11 months of dating. It would have been sooner but we had roommates/leases, and lived about an hour apart. We spent the weekends together pretty early on so moving in together wasnt a big shock. It was actually one of the best decisions we made! I already knew he was a slob, and I was a clean freak so there wasnt a huge adjustment there.

Post # 21
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We did enough time commuting to each others’ houses that we had an easy transition. Right before we moved in together we were staying at one or the other’s houses 6-7 nights per week. I think that got us used to each others’ habits. The worst thing he does is leave mail/papers on every table, dresser, and desk but I can deal with that. It could be MUCH worse!

It was definitely better once we moved in together–not having to drive back and forth, that is. We waited until we were engaged, otherwise we probably would have moved in sooner.

Post # 22
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

My boyfriend and I have been cohabitating for about a year now.  We moved into the apartment together so we didn’t have any of those “His place/My place” problems.  We, too, definitely have issues with cleaning.  My boyfriend has severe ADD and always forgets what I ask him to do.  He doesn’t take the initiative when it comes to cleaning.  He could walk past a sink full of dirty dishes and never think to load them into the empty dishwasher.  But, it’s an issue we’re working on.

The biggest issue we have is sometimes I need my space.  We’re both kind of homebodies so I don’t get much “me” time, especially because I’m much more busy than he is.  For example, last year he took a year off of school but didn’t have a job.  So I would go to school and come home and he would be sitting on his couch in his boxers and stay like that all night.  It was a major problem.  I started having to push him out the door and send him to his parents/friends’ houses.

We do have an issue with cooking too.  Most of the time cooking falls on my shoulders, which is fine really.  I love to cook.  But the issue we have is he NEVER suggests what we should have.  It always falls to me to come up with dinners.  It’s annoying, haha.

Post # 23
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

View original reply
@HEB: I’m a Psych major so I’ve definitely heard about these studies.  I’ve never understood why cohabitating can have a detrimental affect on marriages.  Sometimes I wonder if there are hidden variables at play.  I mean, really religious people tend to be less likely to live together before marriage due to strict values and beliefs.  These really religious people are also less likely to get divorced for the same reasons.  So maybe it’s not simply cohabitating, but rather a difference of beliefs that’s affecting the studies.

Post # 24
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
@HEB: ‘Some studies even suggest that cohabitating prior to marriage can be detrimental to the success of a marriage and can thus lead to a greater probability of divorce.”

This isn’t a fair statistic to be throwing around. The reason people who don’t live together before marriage are less likely to get divorced then those who do live together before marriage comes down to MANY factors. The leading factor being religion. If a couple is very religious and does not believe in living together before marriage, it is also safe to assume these couples are also less likely to divorce due to their strong religious values.

I don’t think you meant any harm, but I don’t think it’s right to be using incorrect statistics. Especially when it can be insulting to other bees. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 25
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@JrzyGurl:

No intent to insult indeed.

I do agree that there are many variables within that reported probability that have bearing on the outcome of results. This fact doesn’t mean it is an “incorrect” probable estimation in and of itself, however. 

It is interesting, I find, that many individuals (in the world at large, I’m not isolating this forum) now days indicate that if you don’t cohabitate prior to marriage, you are an unwise fool who is likely to experience more marital disasters. 

Post # 26
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok, I’m going to attempt to steer this thread back on track…OP wanted to talk about challenges that you hit when you started living together, not whether or not it’s ok to live together before you’re married.  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

So I’m not going to lie, and everyone can’t make fun of me…but my hardest dumb adjustment (aside from the biggies that everyone else mentioned), but EMBARRASSING BODILY FUNCTIONS.  I’m one of those people that still gets embarrassed if I fart in front of someone like I’m in middle school.  When I first moved in with my FH, we had a one-bedroom apartment and the only bathroom was in the bedroom.  I couldn’t STAND the fact that if he was in bed sleeping, he could hear me on the toilet.  It’s petty, but it drove me crazy.  Our new place has 4 bathrooms so I can always get away from him somewhere haha!

Post # 27
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Haha to

View original reply
@FutureMrsBPB:. And I agree with the chores thing.

For me the biggest change was getting used to being near each other but not hanging out.  When we were staying over, we were usually doing stuff together, going to bed at the same time, etc.  But when we moved in together, we were often sitting 10 feet away and not talking.  It was weird at first, but once I adjusted to the fact that being home at the same time didn’t mean that we had to interact at every moment, it became really nice.  I really loved living together (still do), and I think it was a huge factor in us taking the plunge and getting married, because we knew we’d be happy together.

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