(Closed) Sleeping together before marriage

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Are you sleeping together before getting married?

    We are both virgins.

    One of us is a virgin, one of us is not.

    Neither of us are virgins but we will not sleep together until we're married.

    We are already sleeping together.

  • Post # 17
    538 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    It was important to me to check compatibility before marriage… Sometimes people literally don’t fit together (he’s too big/she’s too small and rips, for example–this has happened to a friend of mine… she ripped everytime she was with the guy and bled…), sometimes people can not get over differences in expectations in bed, and so on… That being said, I think this is a minority in people that choose to wait until marriage because they usually sorta have to work it out (or get divorced over it, I guess)…. Gee, I’m sounding negative, and that wasn’t the purpose of my post! Kudos to you guys for waiting… I waited until I was with my fiance’ to lose my virginity, and we knew we’d be together by that point… I wasn’t his first, but he was so very gentle and sweet about the whole thing. It was very special. I think the “first time” will be as special to people as they make it for themselves, if that makes sense? No matter if it’s the first time in their life or just the first time in that relationship, there’s something sweet about two people dedicated to one another and in love that choose to take that next step…. 

    Post # 18
    4621 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I totally wanted to wait until marriage but my ex was quite forceful so I changed my mind.

    SO andI have been having sex since the word go, he’s had other partners but I’m okay with that.  At one point I wouldn’t have been.

    Definitely respect those who do wait.

    Post # 19
    6 posts

    I planned my entire life to wait for marriage but I also thought I would be married by now and I’m 34. I finally gave in after dating for 10 months and I’m glad I did. It was a horrible experience! It hurt and just wasn’t good at all…I really never wanted to do it again! Lol! I said omg is this what I saved myself for all these years?! I was distraught! We kept at it and now I am able to enjoy myself and he is the only one I’ve ever been with and I plan on marrying him! I was glad I did not wait because I think it actually would have ruined my wedding night! I do confess that I feel guilty for breaking my religious view but on my honeymoon I will have pleasure and not some awkward painful encounter! I don’t mean to frighten you but trust me it’s not like on tv or romance novels. I was crying and shrieking in pain and not because of being mistreated by him but just because the first time is like an invasion lol! It’s a process…I didn’t start enjoying it until months later and in talking to friends this was common! One of my friends said it felt good after she’d had sex about 30 times! I was in total shock! You have to do what’s best for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 20
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2004

    TifanieW you described it perfectly! ‘the first time is like an invasion’.

    I am yet to hear of any person having a first time experience like those that are on the tv. (im sure they exist! and would be happy to be told otherwise!:))

    SO was not my first. I dont wish that he was, because ppl in my past had a purpose, and i wouldnt want it any other way. I am also not SO first and it doesnt bother me that he has also had a past. I think in my realtionship sex is important, but not the only important thing.

    Post # 21
    9481 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Goodatlove: Good for you! Seriously.  FI and I weren’t virgins when we met and we decided not to wait.  I’m kind of glad because I love our sex life and it’s been an enjoyable part of our relationship.

    Post # 22
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It’s a bit late for us as we are already cohabiting and fornicating (hehe!) but I don’t think we could control those animal urges even if we tried.

    Respect to those waiting for their wedding nights, but I am a firm believer in trying before you buy ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 23
    2853 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @TifanieW: I was uncomfortable the first time, nothing like that though. I think it was lack of being… uh… prepared? :  Although its hard to say. Not like I can go back and try it again. 


    OP, you’ve probably gotten a lot of practical advice in this regard but just in case.. it’s awesome that you’re waiting, just try not to hang too much on “The Wedding Night.” Make sure that you’re hydrated, relaxed, and have lubricant available in case it’s needed (a good quality one, not one of those flavored gross things). OH! And pee afterwards. No one told me that, either, until the second UTI when I was like… wtf?

    And just make sure you’re both prepared to take the time needed to work out what seems best for both of you. Practicing to get there is pretty fun. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Post # 24
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    The first time is, actually, a lot like an “invasion.” But I didn’t bleed and it’s nothing I couldn’t handle. DH, on the other hand…his first made him stop after like five seconds because she said it hurt too much. (We talk about this stuff, mainly for the lulz.)

    DH was my fifth, and I was his third. Considering that the whole reason we met is because we were looking for a FWB situation (at first), it wouldn’t have made any sense to stop having sex until we were married. Personally, I believe in making sure you’re sexually compatible with your partner first (“learning together” doesn’t always fix things if your sex drives are seriously mismatched or there are other problems), but you have to do what’s right for you.

    Post # 25
    13095 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    DH and I didn’t wait but he was my first (I wasn’t his and we became sexually active before we were engaged or anything).

    I used to think it was a goal of mine to wait for marriage but, like Melanie11, as I aged and matured, my views of sex and my own sexuality changed.  To me, as a Christian woman, sex is a gift and a responsibility.  Therefore, it is a gift I held dear to me until I was in a relationship with a person I loved with all my heart and trusted fully.  That doesn’t require being married to me.

    But I’m glad that you are following your own personal vies on the subject.  No way is the right way – it is simply what is best for each individual person and relationship.

    Post # 26
    535 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We did not wait.

    He was MY first and I was his second.  We were 17 and 18 when we first had sex together and we got married at 21/22.  We were broken up in college for almost a year but we never slept with anyone else (I dated other people, he didn’t).

    Post # 27
    520 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    DH was not my first.  I was his.  I slept with one person before him (my high school love).  DH and I didn’t wait–we lived together for 5 years before we got married.  Both of us remember our first time together as a very special night.

    After the wedding we were starving and exhausted, so in our situation I’m kind of glad the wedding night wasn’t our first time lol.  We were kind of in a daze.

    Post # 28
    13562 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    My husband and I waited till marriage and were each other’s firsts. That was the right choice for us. Not saying it’s “right” for everyone. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 29
    5890 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Not my first and not his first (he was married before). We were both in our late 30’s when we met and it would have been surprising (and a little alarming) if we were virgins. I’m glad we didn’t wait because I know how diffcult incompatability can be. I was madly, madly in love with someone in my late 20’s. On every level we just clicked- he’s the best kisser ever! It was wonderful, except in the bedroom. Horrible sex. Not from lack of trying. He just like really, really slow sex and I’m a bit ADD and after a bit my mind would wander. Even if it feels good, it’s hard for me to focus. Nothing is more heart breaking than being madly in love and not sexually compatible.

    Be prepared for the first time not to be wonderful–expect some pain and/or discomfort– and TV/movie like. Have lube and patience and don’t have built up expectations. 

    Here’s a great article about it on Practiacal Wedding and how it can take time and effort to have a good sex life.


    Post # 30
    816 posts
    Busy bee

    We are sleeping together but we’ve only been with each other. I didn’t want to wait until marriage, I just wanted to wait until I found the right person.

    Post # 31
    2135 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    We are not waiting (living together right now and engaged), but we were each others first and only!

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