Sleepover at MIL

posted 4 months ago in Intercultural
Post # 2
Member
1518 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Do you have the kind of relationship where you and she can have a heart to heart and you tell her what you told us?  Even if you don’t, that would be my suggestion.  The point needs to be made that he has his own family to build and you need your space to do so.  What kind of relationship did she have with her own MIL?  Did she want time/space alone with her husband or did she welcome all that “togetherness”?

Just come at it in the most loving way possible.  If that doesn’t work then Darling Husband will have to set boundaries or sleepover by himself.

Post # 3
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

This is a husband problem. Your husband has the responsibility to put you first in his life and ensure your needs are being met, same as it is yours to do for him. Part of growing up is learning how to separate from your parents while still honouring them. I think you should have a talk with him about his responsibilities and your expectations. Set a firm boundary that you are willing to spend X amount of time with your in-laws and you will not be sleeping over. They will complain. Just be kind and say you cannot commit to more then that but you do appreciate your relationship with them. Say it again…and again….and again. 

Post # 4
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I get the cultural thing.  I come from a culture in which it’s okay for MILs to say stuff that’s totally inappropriate for them to say in the American culture.  I have an excellent relationship with my Mother-In-Law, but she also falls for the fallacy of thinking she can say certain things to me.  And guess who stops her.  Not me, my husband does.  I think it’s inappropriate for her to call you and essentially guilt trip into staying over at her house.  Your husband needs to put his foot down.   He’s now married to you, and he needs to think about you first, and you’re not even stopping him from catering to his parents (which is very generous of you, btw).   If he can’t stand up to his parents, sorry to say, bee, you’re going to have a lot more issues in the future.

Post # 5
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

What is his culture and what is yours? In many cultures this is normal. Did you expect him and his family to change once you got married?

Post # 7
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

rw473 :  Way too much interference and a complete lack of boundaries.  This is not okay.  Again, I reinterate that your husband needs to put his foot down and tell his mother to back off.  

Post # 8
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah her behavior is so out of line. Sit down with your husband and outline your boundaries. It’s his job to stand up to his mother and tell her your boundaries. Stop answering her phone calls so often. Even once a day is too often. If your husband won’t set boundaries then you need couples counseling. Google DWIL nation and post your question there. They are experts at this stuff. They can be harsh but they have good advice as far as how to handle conversations, how to put up boundaries etc. 

Post # 9
Member
912 posts
Busy bee

I’m of Asian Indian decent, so hopefully that gives a little background to what I’m saying. 

You need to be direct with your Darling Husband and tell him this enmeshed family arrangement isn’t working for you and is not what you envision for your life together. And you need to have your Darling Husband be frank with you about what he envisions.  Because what you’re describing, frankly, is not uncommon in Indian culture and if he’s ok with this, it’s only going to get worse for you. I’m not saying all Indians engage in this style of enmeshment, but it’s not necessarily seen as unhealthy either. 

As an example, my parents, who are first gen immigrants to the states, live in my neighborhood. They have the code to our door. They drop in throughout the day to see my kids, use our long distance…my father likes to go through our fridge. I was upfront with my American (European background) Darling Husband when we were dating that this is how it would be if we moved in together bc it would be incredibly offensive to my parents for me to tell them to stop. He understood it and while it irks him from time to time, he was well aware that this was a cultural thing and I wasn’t changing it. If he had a problem with it, we would not have moved in together. We have set other boundaries with my parents – they’re not to drop by without calling in the evenings, we may not necessarily greet/host them if they come by unannounced (we aren’t getting out of bed to say hi) – for example. 

All of this is to say, this is completely cultural and if you two can’t reach a workable compromise for the two of you now (before kids), it’s not going to get better. You need to be clear and firm about your boundaries and listen to your Darling Husband to see if you two can find common ground to agree on. Indian mothers are notoriously involved in their sons’ lives (my mom said on more than one occasion that she was glad my dad’s mom was an ocean away and had zero desire to come to the States!).

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