(Closed) Slipped…Kinda?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, if those are your feelings, you’re being really unrealistic. It takes an average of 5 years before a small business actually flourishes, and starts making money.

Why don’t you just talk to him about it?? Do you know if he wants to get married?

Post # 4
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it was your subconcious, unless you are really thinking in your head that you are giving him a year. Ask him when does he see y’all married and if it’s satisfactory, be quiet and if that timeline doesn’t come to fruittion, have another discussion and decide where to go from there.

ETA: I don’t know where my mind was when I wrote this originally, but the debt thing…I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Post # 5
Member
8136 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Why on earth would you be paying off his debts!!!???

Post # 7
Member
8136 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Btw, not every state recognizes such as thing as commonlaw marriage.  California, for one, does not.

Post # 8
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

@mireisen:  It sounds like you guys are already very tied up in eachother’s lives AND especially finances.  Unfortunately there is really no going back now unless of course you realize that he’s not the one.  You mentioned that you have too much debt to get married or become engaged, but you seem to be searching for that peace of mind that you’re not being used and that you two will be husband and wife and there is that kind of purpose to your relationship and these efforts you’re putting in.  Remember, engagement does not cost money.  You do not need a ring to express the intent to marry.  It sounds like you guys need to have that conversation.  Agree on the intent to marry and set a long engagement perhaps?  The ring can come later.  If can’t tell you that you’re the one and wants to marry you or can’t give you a straight answer, I’d pull back those finances. 

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hmmm. While it does make sense, if you are both certain you will be married, to get rid of debts for the long term (the faster they are paid off now, the less interest is paid, the better off you guys will be for future savings/home buying/kids/college funds, etc), if you guys don’t have a firm timeline and I date in mind for an engagement and marriage, this could seriously end up buring you. My now husband did help me pay down a lot of my credit card debt, but we knew that an engagement was coming in the next 6 months, marriage in 18 months, and it really, really was smart for us to wipe those payments off the books to bump up my (our) credit and stop paying insane interest rates. Now we are debt free (yay!!!) and well on our way to saving for a hose (in the bay area no less). I think you guys need firmer decisions on your timelines and expectations.

Post # 11
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@mireisen: If you “don’t know what your relationship is anymore” you shouldn’t be paying his debts. Period. End of discussion. Goes against every piece of advice any financial advisor would give you – anywhere.

Post # 13
Member
8136 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

When I met my Darling Husband, 7 yrs ago, he was burdened with significant debt from a divorce & layoff.  He has NEVER expected me to help him with any of it.  He’s handled it by himself.  At times, I’ve had a good enough year financially to offer a short term loan, but he flatly refused.  I considered him an excellent credit risk & would have charged interest, so I was a little bummed he wouldn’t take me up on it.

He’s managed to get things handled by himself, even in an economy when jobs are scarce & his age worked against him.

He would sell a kidney before he would ask me to pay any of his debts.

Post # 14
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

@mireisen:  Sometimes you gotta take out all the emotion and the history and make things black and white and business like, especially when finances are involved (Something that could effect you if you two don’t work out.) Some time when he’s nice and relaxed, say “Honey, I love you, and I appreciate that you helped me through grad school and in turn, I don’t mind helping you with your debt now, but maybe it was kind of irresponsible for us to lean on each other that much this early into our relationship.  Let’s come up with some kind of time frame to take our commitment to next level- it would really make me feel better.” 

This is especially important because you said your relationship had become “murky” and that he was giving you negative answers about being married. 

Post # 15
Member
8136 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think the OP is danged lucky her bf isn’t making wild promises about marriage in the future.  He’s bleeding her financially, but give him props for being truthful about his lack of intentions.

How about if you pulled back & quit paying his bills for awhile?  Then see how he really feels about you.

Post # 16
Member
8136 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@phoenix718:

It sounded to me as if the only “help” she got during grad school was that he paid the rent–something he’d have to do anyway.

Unless I read it wrong.  If so, please forgive me.

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