(Closed) Slow Drift away from Family Members

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Well it’s sorta like pulling off a bandaid..you can’t pull it right off you have to do it slowly, a little at a time. Eventually, they will get the hint, unless they are lik 5 years old.  Being that this is his family who he has known for a very long time, I’m sure he has good reason for no longer wanting to involve them in his life. All bc you are a family oriented person, doesn’t mean you need to have every biological relative in your life so this is really his and his decision to make.

Post # 4
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@coconutmellie: Are these people toxic or what makes him not want to be around them? That would concern me unless they were abusive in some way.

Post # 6
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Just to be clear–these are HIS family members, right? Not yours?

Personally, I think that you might just have to distance YOURSELF from the whole thing. I don’t know what the situation is between your Darling Husband and his family, but unless they were extremely toxic, I would say that it’s a bit…extreme to cut off all ties. Distance is fine and boundaries are great–so him not taking calls and everything is okay in my book because that’s probably what he’s doing–establishing boundaries. But it’s a little naive to think that you can easily carve people out of your life, especially if they’re family.

Anyway, I would follow his lead in that I wouldn’t call them up to chat myself or invite them over, but I wouldn’t allow him to dictate your behavior in ways that make you uncomfortable. So you shouldn’t have to lie and he shouldn’t really be controlling what you say to them when you do speak, In My Humble Opinion.

But then again, it’s hard to say without knowing what the full story is with him and them.

Post # 8
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@coconutmellie: Yes, I understand what you mean as far as having a different approach to things: My husband is non-confrontational, and I like to deal with things right then and there (our families are different and it’s frustrating)…that’s why for me, your situation seems very uncomfortable. If I were you, I would continue to set boundaries with your husband (continuing to make it clear that you won’t lie). I would even go as far as telling him that he has put you in an uncomfortable place because you’ve had to pretend everything is fine. The way he interacts with his family affects you now too. I think regardless of how his family IS, telling the truth would make you guys feel better, and be easier in the end…but that is all his job and his decision. I wonder if counseling would help him through this difficult time? And help him make good decisions that will make both of you happy?

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