Post # 1
Im in my late 20s and my bf is in his mid-30s. We’ve been dating for 2years. He’s Sri Lankan and is relatively traditional in terms of his closeness with his culture and family. During this time I have met his friends once at one of their birthday drinks 1year ago and no one in his family know that he’s dating anyone. I’ve asked and suggested ideas of how i could know his friends better and he has never taken me up on it. He says he sees his friends a handful of times a year which is true.
Last year we broke up for 4 months because i felt he was unwilling to progress in our relationship after having grown tired of raising this issue time and time again. He promised change and more effort to progress our relationship and to have faith. I put my faith in him and was truly happy being with him and trusted him to be thinking about progressing our relationship such as spending time with his friends, organising a trip, and maybe meeting his parents. So recently i asked him where he was at and he told me that he hadn’t really been thinking about those things and that the progress he couldn’t see was marriage. I cried and the next morning i asked for a 3week break out of respect and love for us. He’s telling me that it’s not me and it’s him. He tells me that he knows we can make the distance and that it’s progress that he needs to work on. I feel that he has been saying the same thing about progress for a long time now but I’ve seen no proof. I’ve told him i want to be married and be having kids in the next couple of years.
I want to trust him and have faith. I’ve fallen so deeply for him. He’s such a great person inside and out.
Has there been anyone that had a successful marriage coming from a painfully slow relationship? Have I already invested enough time into this?
Post # 2
He has made it clear..this is where his head os..he does not will not move.
It’s a sad reality. You can stay unhappy and unfulfilled indefinitely , or deal.with some momentary sadness and move on.
We always want to reimperpret what we don’t want to hear. Listen. Believe .
Post # 3
If he’s such a great person why isn’t he willing to give you what need out of a relationship?
Post # 4
He has made nothing a secret.
He didn’t do what he promised (why would you want to be with an untrustworthy guy whose words can’t be believed?).
He is not thinking of marriage (to you specifically now or ever potentially – at least not until he meets a woman of the same cultural background he’s not afraid to bring home to mommy and daddy is my guess ).
His actions do not match his words.
So, stay if you enjoy being with an untrustworthy liar and you are perfectly content with the relationship as is, spinning your wheels for an undetermined period of time and potentially forever.
Go if you don’t.
Post # 5
Jen00 : you said you’re in your late 20s and want marriage and kids. So stop wasting your time with this guy. That’s all you are doing here…
Post # 6
He isn’t a good person. He is knowingly stringing you along despite you telling him exactly what you needed him to make progress on. He knew that and choose to not do anything. Not only that but he chose to not tell you he wasn’t working on anything which is lying to you. He then told you he doesn’t see marriage with you. Leave now. It shouldnt be this hard. If he wanted to marry you he would take steps to do so. And culture aside, I don’t care what culture someone is, I need to meet their parents and then meet mine and feel integrated into their life. Move on and find someone else, this is a serious waste of your time. Jen00 :
Post # 7
This relationship is going nowhere fast.
I was in an embarrassingly horrendous relationship years ago when I had my first bf and it was so freaking painful trying to inch forward only to be set backward five steps because he was stubborn and didn’t want what I wanted. He made big promises and never followed through on anything. He always found a reason why he wouldn’t do what I wanted him to.
For reference, my ex lived with his parents at 30, had no job, and didn’t want to move out or get a job despite ranting and raving about how much he hated where he was in life. He was more than happy to bitch and complain about his parents, yet he was fine with mooching off them and not paying rent and saving money indefinitely.
I forced things along and finally he got a a job and then freaking FINALLY two years later he moved out and he instantly panicked and said he regretted it and wanted to sell the condo he just bought and move back home to save more money. He was a cheapass on top of it and he was obsessed with and neurotic about his parents.
I am so so so embarrassed to admit I stayed with him through all of that and I had such low self esteem. It’s humiliating but I forced all these things along because I thought I could fix him up so things would be perfect and we could then get married.
Never happened. I’m SO THANKFUL we broke up. And I will never ever settle for a loser like that again.
Your partner is not going to marry you. He’s not going to ever progress like you want him to. It’s been over two years and if he hasn’t moved forward with you by now he probably never will.
I know that frustrating feeling all to well where you’re so resentful of waiting on him to stop dragging his ass and you get to the point where you’re forcing things-don’t get to that point. Don’t be like me. Just move on so you can find someone better.
It’s so much easier to start over and find someone who will naturally want to progress with you. Now that I finally found that, it’s smooth sailing!
Post # 8
He’s not keeping his word to you about progress, and he’s already told you quite plainly that marriage isn’t in the cards. Believe what he tells you when he’s not being vague.
Post # 9
Hate to be blunt, but you’re his wild oat. At some point his family will present a nice Sri Lankan girl for him to marry and he’ll drop you like a hot potato.
if after 2 years his parents don’t know about you, he doesn’t want them to know about you.
dump him and move on
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s been two years and you haven’t been presented as a viable partner to his family and friends is a big red flag. After six monthis it’s acceptable that his family and friends will at least know hes seeing someone and your name and basic information about you. The fact that it seems as if he’s keeping you seperate from that part of his life tells me what pp point out. You are a place holder until he finds someone he deems more acceptable for his family.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
I’d end it. I’m generalizing here, but people who are engrained in their culture (especially in more collectivist cultures it seems), generally want to make their parents happy and want to marry someone from their culture. You’ll find someone who may be nervous, but wants you to meet his friends and family. I think you’re both prolonging something that won’t work out.
Post # 12
This guy told you he doesn’t want to marry you straight up. I understand you love him, but for your own sanity, I highly suggest you break things off. You will find another man that you love more. Please don’t waste any more of your time on this dead horse, especially since you want children.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2019 - USA
Jen00 : Sounds like he doesn’t want to deviate from the cultural norm. That’s fine; he’s entitled to do what he feels comfortable with but he should not have dragged you along for the ride for TWO FREAKING YEARS. I would find someone else bee, I am sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 14
Wait, I’m not sure if I get this right. So he told you that he can’t envision being married to you? Does this mean he doesn’t want to get married to you at all or does he need still needs time to get there? Also I frankly don’t understand what he means by making progress?
I think that for you progress means to take the relationship to the next level: being involved more in each others lives, e.g. have a social life, and then eventually take it to a next level, e.g. marriage. What progress is he talking about? What do you mean by “he knows we can make the distance”?
I think now I’m more confused than before. So basically you want to get engaged like now and he told you that he’s not ready yet?
Post # 15
So sorry to hear you are in this situation. It is always a difficult place to be and I’ve been on the opposite side of it all my life. I’m Asian and mostly dated non-Asian men. My parents never knew I was dating because I never told them bc I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of their disapproval. I had 1 man who wanted marriage but I couldn’t imagine it with him for other reasons and knew I had to break it off. I don’t know much about Sri Lankan culture but I work with a lot of people of Indian decent and there is not one who married outside of their culture. To do so is to be a complete outcast and huge disappointment to the family. I have heard of one lady speaking very secretively about a girl she knows who married a Caucasian man and her father didn’t go to the wedding or ever spoke to her again.
I personally know and have heard of many in my own culture who were desperately in love with non-Asian but reluctantly broke up and married someone more “suited” for the family. Very very sad.
Sorry, I don’t mean to ramble but this is a subject that is near to my own situation because I did marry outside my culture and faced my own issues with my parents despite it being a more common occurrence among Asians like Chinese/Japanese /Korean. However, I was prepared to be cast out by my parents and never look back. Luckily that didn’t happen but the things that were said were horrible and most would probably never speak to their parents after such things… but I forgave.
It doesn’t sound like your guy is able to stomach being an outcast. Most can’t. It’s an incredibly difficult decision to make. I don’t think he is maliciously stringing you along …but you are indeed on a string. Sadly, he said it himself…that he can’t imagine being married to you. The writing is on the wall. It’s up to you how much more time and emotion you want to waste on this guy.