(Closed) Small family on my side, Huge family on fiances side….so who pays for what???

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh that is really tough!  I feel for you so much!  I kind of get where you are coming from as my parents put a stink up about the guest list, but they couldn’t really talk too much because both families are big, not just ours. 

I think ultimately you may have to just tell your mom that you can’t cut his family from the list. Ask her how she would feel if you said you had to cut all your cousins from the list because his family said you had too many people?  They are still family and should be invited if you want them there.  

If you or your mom are worried about money then you will probably have to cut back costs in other areas.  For example maybe have just a hors d’oevres and dessert reception instead of a full meal.  In the end you will probably just have to sacrifice one way or another.  Either cut the guest list down majorly and have an intimate wedding with a full meal or a big wedding with less food, but everyone you love there.  

Post # 5
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think your mother is well within her rights to cap the guest list. If she’s paying, she gets to say what she is paying for. If your ILs can’t help out, they should cut their list a bit. Can your Fiance help?

Post # 6
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with the PP.  The person that foots the bill usually gets the most say in the matter. Perhaps you should do something like changing the venue if it’s not already booked or doing passed hor dvoures (sp?) You could even do a cake and punch or dessert only reception.  Changing the time of the wedding may alleviate costs as well.  You could have the wedding earlier in the day or in the morning and have a brunch afterwards with mimosas instead of a full night evening soiree.  If all else fails and you must have the extra 90 or so people there, you and your fiancee should be the ones to pay the extra bit.  Perhaps you could see about cutting costs in places like the deejay, using a less expensive caterer, doing cupcakes instead of a wedding cake, buying boxes for the cupcakes and using them for favors.  Perhaps you can scale back on your wedding dress and check the used dress section.  From a floral standpoint you can do your flowers yourself or mix high quality silks with fresh flowers and candles for an elegant yet inexpensive look.  If it’s most important to you to have them there, then you can probably find ways to shave the budget.

Post # 7
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

We were in a similar situation. We got married very near where Fiance grew up while I grew up on the other side of the country and all of my relatives live abroad and would be unable to come to the wedding. Also my parents are a lot more well off than FI’s parents. However, my family didn’t feel like it was fair for them to have to pay for what would essentially be a wedding for our friends, and FI’s family and friends of his family, which we totally understood. They suggested paying for half and FI’s family paying for half, but since FI’s family were unable to contribute the money needed to pay for half the wedding, they contributed whatever they could and Fiance and I made up for the rest. I think it’s totally reasonable for your mom to put limits on what she is willing to spend, but it seems like she is complicating things with her desire to have a nicer wedding for fewer guests rather than cutting costs so that you can accommodate the entire guest list. Money is such a touchy subject but it sounds like both sides need to compromise a bit more! Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I really think Fiance cannot take a stand like that when your mom is footing the bill. If you and Fiance cannot contribute to cover the amount of guests over 150 then I don’t think it is fair to your mom to ask her to contribut more. I do think that your mom needs to compromise a little bit and not ignore thee fact that a cocktail/hor devoures wedding might be the best way to accomodate all of the guests. His parents are being a little unreasonable too, your mom doesn’t have to be sympathetic to their situation. She can only give what she can afford to give and you shouldn’t expect more. Do you both have anything you can contribute?

Post # 11
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Perhaps you need some sort of mediator to have a discussion about this.  But also consider that I have heard that in general only 60% of invited guests attend and 60% of 250 is 150!  Although you never know what is going to actually happen. 

Post # 12
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Perhaps you need to do the small wedding and use the remaining of the money on a reception dinner or have really nice dinner for closest family.  I would think that your Fiance would be able to understand where your mom is coming from.  If she is fitting a lot of the bill then she has every right to have an opinion on the guest list.  If his family cannot understand that then your Fiance needs to talk to them and try to reason. 

Post # 13
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Sammi, I was just in your exact situation! Fortunately, my dad (who is paying) never made a stink over what the money went toward. He let me do what I wanted with the 10k, but my stepmom got upset that I couldn’t have a lot of the things I wanted, mostly because my FI’s family was 70 percent of the guest list! Needless to say, the biggest fight was between FI and I because I did not think it was fair for him to be so strict with the budget (he wasn’t letting me go one cent over), when accomodating his family was the reason there was no money left in the budget! There were also people on the guest list that I knew didn’t need to be there … For example, he invited his best friend’s mom, dad, sister, sister’s husband, AND grandmother. I was like "is this SO-AND-SO’s wedding or is it ours?" Finally, he didn’t want his family paying for anything except the rehearsal dinner and tuxes because he didn’t really know what their financial situation was at the moment, and I didn’t want to pressure him there.

Eventually we came to a compromise where, 1.) He cut a FEW people off the guest list for good measure (there HAS to be some your Fiance can cut … you can’t be that close with that many people, make him go down the list and tell you who everyone is and why they are so important to him). 2.) When he tried to cut his 10 aunts and uncles, his mom got upset and offered to pay for them. We didn’t want her paying the full amount for their dinners at $55 a plate plus 20 percent gratuity, so we had her pay for flowers at $335 to make up for the extra people. It wasn’t much, but it was SOMETHING, and it made my family feel better 3.) He allowed me to go just a SMIDGE over budget for the photographer I really wanted. In the end, I ended up giving up a lot of things, but I got the things that were REALLY important to me. He still gets to have the closest people to him there at little extra cost to his mother … everybody wins.

I suggest you find the compromise with your FI! It’s not always so cut and dry (look how complicated ours became!). And then once you and your Fiance agree on something, your mom needs to just accept it. As long as you are not asking her for more money, then the wedding money she is already giving you should be used as you and your Fiance see fit, and people you both love are about as important as things come.

Post # 14
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

P.S. Now that your Future Mother-In-Law has offered to pay for her own people, I think it would be the perfect time to use that information to try to convince your mom how far out that would be putting them (your future family!), and maybe to let them pay for something cheaper like flowers or dj or centerpieces or whatever, just to extend the olive branch.

Post # 16
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m the MOB,and I’d be very upset with you if you were my daughter. Why are you taking your fiance’s side over your own mother? Why should SHE be sympathetic to the other family? Why aren’t THEY being sympathetic to HER and trying to cut down THEIR guest list? Why should she pay for all those people and why shouldn’t YOU & fiance be paying your fair share? Parents are not obligated to pay for their children’s weddings! Maybe if you appreciated the fact that she’s offered you any monetary help and his side hasn’t ,you could understand her feelings and be more supportive.

Maybe you can’t afford to get married right now. Maybe you should wait another year and save some money for all the things you want. Blaming your Mother for all this is really immature and selfish of you both.

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