(Closed) Small guest list issues and how to tell someone they're not invited…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Since your wedding is small, I think it’s totally okay to keep it to people you are very close with. Extended family and old friends should understand not being invited when you explain that it was a small family wedding.

Post # 4
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am also having a small wedding guest list, and I usually will tell people that we are having a small wedding or that the venue can not accomodate too many people, and so on. 

Post # 5
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

We locked our invitation list at 50.  Parents, grandparents, and siblings received first priority then friends we both know, then our personal friends that we hang out with at least a few times a year.  We wanted our wedding to be small enough that we could spend time with our guests and really be ourselves at our wedding.

When people ask whether we are inviting them we let them know politely that due to our budget we are having a very small wedding with family.

Post # 6
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@jbridea:  ^ this. It might be one of those instances where you lock your guest list, and if someone on your “definite” list can’t make it, then you may invite someone in their place?

I hope it works out like you want it to.

Post # 7
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

We let people know that our wedding was small due to budget constraints, and they were very understanding and still happy for us! People seem to be super understanding when you let them know its due to budget

Post # 8
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m with many of the other bees before. Blame the budget. I had the same issues with my guest list…everyone has an opinion about who should be on it. It was rough, but after a certain point, I just went with my gut and I don’t regret it at all. And now, a month and a half later…no one cares. I don’t envy you, but just know that ultimately, people will get over it. 

Post # 9
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I just didn’t tell people I was getting married. Made keeping the guest list small MUCH easier.

Don’t blame the budget – people are going to offer to pay their share just to attend. Use stuff like venue space or whatever.

Post # 10
359 posts
Helper bee

If you can’t bear not to tell people you’re engaged/getting married, at least don’t talk about the wedding in front of folks who aren’t invited. If they ask about it, be sure to include in your answer the fact that the wedding is small. If they push for more info or seem like they’re close to asking for an invite, say you won’t be able to invite all the people you’d like to. And if they flat-out ask, do NOT feel bad about just saying no – they are the rude ones for putting you in that position in the first place!

Post # 11
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would not invite any of the people you mentioned.  You don’t have to tell them they arent invited eithet. The will know when you get married and the weren’t there

Post # 12
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MeiFrancis:  haha i like this response!

This was one of my biggest pet peeves when planning my wedding – when people would assume they were invited when they were not. Seriously, what gives them the nerve?! I don’t think anyone deserves an explanation beyond “I’m sorry but we are having a very small wedding.”  For non-relatives, you can tell them that since you have so many relatives, it’s almost entirely family.

One of my friends asked me “what she should say to so-and-so (a close friend of said friend), when she found out she was not invited, or if I could contact her and explain it to her” I responded that I truly did not care, and I did not think any explanation was necessary! I was honestly shocked that she would say that to me – this friend of hers was barely friends with me or my husband, just part of an old ‘friend crew’, many of whom are our friends and were invited. Shouldn’t the fact that we didn’t even know each other’s phone numbers or email addresses to faciliate such ‘who’s invited and who’s not’ conversations be a clue that perhaps she wouldn’t be attending? 

Another weird moment was when my husband and I met a few people at a music festival and hung out with them at the concerts for a couple of days. One of them mentioned to me that “I better invite him to our wedding” and I couldn’t help but rerort something rude back. Honestly buddy, I’ve known you for 48 hours, there are people I’ve known for 10 years that I don’t have room for!!

I had a similar situation as you, with a couple of friends from school that I would have liked to invite, but I didn’t have room for all of the 20 people in our research group. I ended up not inviting any of them and I’m sure the 2 I am friends with totally understood. 

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