Post # 1
I’m not sure if this is an “Etiquette” issue or not; but i figured you all would know be able to help.
Fiance & I are having a SMALL court house style wedding-We didn’t want it to be just the two of us; so we’re doing a sort of “planned elopmenet” We asked about 25 of our most closest family members & friends to join us and then we’re taking them to dinner that night.
We’re not doing a big ceremony; no cocktail hour; no big reception. Literally going to city hall; taking pictures afterwards; and then heading to dinner!
BUT now 1 week from the planned date to get married; we’re getting a lot of flak from people that we didn’t tell who are now hearing about it (by word of mouth) that we didn’t tell them; that they’re upset we didn’t include them. it’s really getting so frustrating that instead of saying after 7 years of dating and 2 years of being engaged “We’re SO happy for you two” they’re making it about them; and how we didn’t invite them.
I try to explain that we’re just having a small civil ceremony; and that we just had to keep it intimate; but by that point the damage is done.
We had planned on sending out announcements right after to all our family & friends to share the news; i didn’t want to send them out before to confuse people and have them think they were getting invited to a “wedding” I thought it was best; to save the big reveal that we’re married for the announcements-sort of like if we had ran off to vegas.
I guess this is more of a vent; then a question because what’s done is done; we’re 1 week away; and we’re not about to have 100 people join us at the court house!
UGH i just want to scream-we HAD to “elope” this way; If we had did anything bigger; we would have had to invited 200 people and we just couldn’t afford that!
Post # 3
Sounds very similar to mine- we’re having more of a planned elopement than an actual wedding. We just couldn’t afford to have a 200 person wedding the way I’d want to do it (ie NOT in the backyard). I started out thinking we’d do around 30-40 guests (immediate family & close friends only), then Fiance pointed out that we know ALOT of people & some friends may take offense if we only invited the closest friends…. SO we ended up deciding on immediate family only to avoid the drama. Only we didn’t actually avoid it- some people were STILL offended that we only wanted family. Plus, since we’ll have so few people, every guest & thier relationsip to us has been scrutinized to death. So I just don’t think you can win honestly.
Now we’re tossing around the idea of an at home reception after the wedding- something inexpensive like a BBQ or potluck with all our friends. We figured we could send out the announcements with a wedding photo & invitation to it about a month after the wedding… maybe you can do something like that? Good luck, you can’t please everyone. What’s important is that you guys are happy, and phew! 9 years in the making, you deserve to enjoy your day!!
Post # 4
Well they’ll just have to put up with it really.. As you say, you’re only having a small, intimate ceremony and so these people are just causing problems when there aren’t any. It’s your big day, and you’ve only got just over a week to go, so just enjoy every second of it all – just ignore everyone who wants to make a fuss! Enjoy your wedding day. Best wishes for you and your Fiance x
Post # 5
the 25 people that you invited shouldnt have told other people who werent invited about it. I blame them.
Post # 6
Thanks so much!!
It’s VERY frustrating-and we’re a lot closer to some of our friends then our famiy i.e. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins we only see at holidays; so some family members are upset they weren’t invited b/c they’re “family” where instead we asked friends that we see EVERY weekend; travel with; party with. So we’ve got the drama all around! From family that we didn’t invite (we only invites our siblings; and each an Aunt we’re both close to; and the rest are 6 couples that we know.
@Rachgirl82-that’s what we’re thinking about doing too! My Aunt (who we are having come with us to the ceremony) has a big backyard; and has offered it to us for a BBQ style reception. That is a good idea though; to send out the announcement with our picture AND include information about our summer BBQ. It will probably be some time in August which should give us enough time to plan everything
Post # 7
@bells-you’re right! That’s how the word was spread! I only told the people that were close to us and sent them their invites. BUT they have been spreading the word to people-saying they’re going to our “Wedding” My Dad; telling his siblings etc…
Post # 8
People will get over it. I am sure they are having hurt feelings that they were not “special” enough now, but once you are actually married they will be happy for you. Your bbq idea sounds great too.
Post # 9
Just throw a big party (you could make it potluck to save money) and give everyone a couple of drinks. They’ll get over it. 🙂
Post # 10
I was feeling upset for not being invited to my niece’s wedding because she’s having an even smaller group of guests than you, 15 is her limit, having discussed it on here I now realise I was being a selfish diva and have to look at it from her point of view, I now feel happy for my niece that she’s excited about planning her dream wedding and her guest list is entirely her choice. I hope your wedding day turns out exactly as you want it!
Post # 11
I feel your pain. We’re having a small destination wedding with only 30 people (immediate family, close friends) and it’s difficult to tell people about our engagement, have them ask about wedding plans and see their faces drop when we tell them it’s a small desitnation wedding.
We’re getting married at the end of August and planning a casual reception for our friends who couldn’t come to the original ceremony. Nothing big and fancy, probably just a backyard BBQ next summer. We were thinking about having a little ceremony – kind of like a teeny tiny vow renewal at the casual reception so that all of our friends can feel included in the special moment.
Don’t worry! Your good friends will come around, and those that love and know you the best will understand why you chose to go the intimate route. Besides, the day belongs to you and your Fiance, do what feels best for you guys! And congrats!
Post # 12
the fiance and i were planning a wedding for June 2012 and our guest list started at 50 and had grown to almost 200 – it was horrible, i was crying, he was pissed people kept adding themselves on, etc. so we stopped the madness, moved the date up a year and invited 25 guests of family and close friends but other guests are still pissed that their not invited!! why!?
and to make matters worse, his father DOES NOT listen to anything and i recently brought up that we have 25 people coming, 25 chairs, and 25 dinners – NO MORE!! (he’s sore about his list of 100 we didnt invite – not that he has or would have given us a penny to help) he said ‘well, you know some people will bring guests’ to which my mother replied that she will ‘not allow that and they will be asked to leave’. his face immediatly went blank and white.
we are sending announcements when we get our wedding pictures so we can put a pic of us in it (to help reduce confusion too!) and just announce the wedding…not invite.
Post # 13
@iheartnerds: this was going to be my suggestion too. Perhaps you can pick a date when to have the pot luck “reception” and when you send out announcements, you can send them more as invitations.
People who love you will get over it! my Friend did this, same thing, but was even smaller. Some people are already over it, some aren’t (I was fortunate enough to be part of the ceremony, I was basically the DOC) she is having her “reception” in Chicago in October. And another one here in December for the ones who weren’t invited to the wedding. It will be a potluck and everything.
There were some people who were really butthurt about it, but they got over it.
So keep things the way they are, you are not responsible for their feelings. They should be happy for you. I am happy for you:)