Post # 1
I’m sure this has question has been posed before, but I am in need of some advice. My Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite all sorts of people to the wedding who my FH isn’t even close to. She is also annoyed that I am unwilling to change our venue to a larger one to accomodate her guests.
We want our wedding to be close family and friends. The wedding is already twice the size I want it to be because my FH has a larger family with whom he is close. My mom is being very generous and paying for the entire wedding. We are planning on 60-70 guests, of which 15-20 will be mine. I’m frustrated because Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite all sorts of people that my FH isn’t close to nor has he ever mentioned them to me. Our venue only holds 80 people max and the size right now is pretty much the limit of my comfort zone. Future Mother-In-Law also wants to send invites to people who “for sure” won’t come. I seriously disagree with this practice because I feel like if you send some one an invite 1) you should actually want them to be there if possible and 2) you can’t KNOW that people will not come. I’ve explained that we are pretty much at the limit for the size of my venue and that it is not possible to expand it or change to a different one at this point. Additionally, as my mom is paying for the wedding and very few of the guests are actually from my family and friends, I am very reluctant to invite any more people from his family, friends, and his family’s friends.
I’m not sure what I should do beyond refusing as politely as possible. Anyone have a similar experience? Any advice?
Post # 3
It seems like you’ve tried to communicate with her and she’s just not listening, at this point your guy needs to step in and put his foot down. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You deff need to be firm with your Future Mother-In-Law. Tell her that she is allowed x number of guests and you will only send invitations to those guests. She’s not paying for it and your venue just doesn’t have the capacity. Do NOT send invites to people she won’t *think* will come.. That’s crazy! I agree with @WithoutWax: have you asked your Fiance to step in at all?
Post # 5
First, your mom is officially hosting your wedding and it is very generous of her to offer so many spots to your FI’s family. Second, it’s your wedding, and if you don’t want it to be too big, or filled with people you don’t know (and I don’t blame you!), stick to your guns!!
If she brings it up again, I would politely explain that you and Fiance are in agreement that you want an intimate wedding, and you selected the venue accordingly. Also, that you cannot take the risk of having more people accept than the venue can accommodate, so perhaps she would like to send announcements after the fact.
Finally, these conversations shouldn’t fall entirely on you – try to have those conversations with your Fiance by your side, and if she continues to push it, he should take it up with her privately and put an end to the discussion once and for all.
Good luck! I know it’s easier said than done… 🙂
Post # 6
I had a similar problem. I was given a guest list and then it was added to. A lot (by both mothers). And most of them came, even though there was “no way they were coming”. Luckily it worked out in the end or I would have been over capacity and over budget. Politely stick to your guns on this one. If Future Mother-In-Law isn’t contributing, it is really rude of her to even ask.
Post # 7
She is really, really out of line and just doesn’t realize it. Even the practical feasibility of this is low – it’d pretty hard to find a large venue on such short notice. Etiquette-wise, though, she’s basically trying to take over a party she’s not paying for. I can understand the temptation, if she’s excited about the wedding, but it’s not her place to invite these people.
I think you and especially your fiance need to point out that it’s your wedding, not hers. If she would like to hold a celebratory reception at some point for you, she’s welcome to do it, but at this point 1) you cannot and will not significantly expand the guest list and 2) (we’ve used this one with our families) we consider it rude to send invitations to people we know will not come unless they are personally very close with us. It basically strikes both of us as gift-mongering and ruder than not inviting them at all. (whether it actually is or not is debatable, but saying we feel that way has certainly gotten our parents to stop asking us to invite distant relatives and their friends we don’t know)
Post # 8
This happened to us. My Mother-In-Law told my husband that he had to invite business partners of his grandfather, and family members he never sees. He put his foot down and told her no. She pretended to be understanding, but was furious and months later sent him some nasty e-mails telling him he should have invited them. We still don’t regret it. Your fiance should step in and tell his mom that you decided as a couple to limit the wedding only to close friends and family.
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice everyone! I have talked to him about it and he told me not to worry about it. He says that Future Mother-In-Law is just getting too excited and that she’ll get over it. He very recently started to support me on the limitations of the venue, which is when she started to ask about either changing venues or getting a bigger space! He also disagrees with me and thinks it’s ok to send invitations to those people who “won’t come.” I told him we could send announcements and he didn’t really see/get the difference.
Post # 10
@MistyMC: Tell him the difference is, the announcements go out AFTER the wedding, so there’s no chance they will actually show up! LOL
Post # 11
Definitely for your Fiance to deal with… it’s part of the seperating his loyalty from her to you. We didn’t allow ANY of our parents to choose the guestlist… it’s MINE and MY FI’s wedding.. not theirs.
Also, I’m not one for inviting more than our space or budget either… especially if these are people you’re close to. We only have like 12 of our 90 RSVP no… 4 b/c their out of state and 5 b/c it’s one whole family…
So.. as long as you and you Fiance are on the same page he needs to deal with his mom and put a stop to her antics =)
Post # 12
You need to do what you want to do. It’s YOUR wedding. I hope your Fiance can put his foot down. It’s a hard skill to master for some men, but if he doesn’t get a hold of it, she will continue to do this in your marriage. (My ex and I had this problem and it was our biggest issue.)