- 6 years ago
It was painful to read it let alone having to go thru it.
It was painful to read it let alone having to go thru it.
He says “I really just want to work this out because Nick told my Mom today that I cannot stay with him.”
Well, that’s nice of him to be so straight forward and tell it like it is: “I’m only doing this because I need something from you. I know you gave me numerous opportunites before but that was when my actions only affected you and not me. So I didn’t give a shit. Cuz I don’t give a shit about you. Now it’s about me so I give a shit. I need what you’ve got so what do I have to do to continue to suck you dry and drain your resources? And why you gotta be such a bitch?”
Ignore. Don’t respond to any contact and call the campus police anytime he comes to your door or approaches you on campus. He’ll get the hint and start putting his efforts toward finding another girl who can put him up. Hang in there.
This. Exactly what I was thinking, worded beautifully and straightforward. Listen OP. You are strong and you made the tough choice already. Now you need to keep following through, let him figure his shit out on his own. He did this to himself!! This is not YOUR problem to own, it is his alone to deal with a therapist or whatever.
I also wanted to say:
His mom was texting me in the morning saying that she is so appalled and ashamed yet also not surprised since he’s always done this lying bullshit even when he was little
Please know that his behavior and attitude is not going to do a complete 180 after a couple of counseling sessions together. There is some deeply engrained entitlement and resentment in this guy that isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. He has some kind of hate-on for the world and sees himself as the victim and he does what he does as ‘payback’ if that makes sense. I can almost gaurantee you that he is pissed and resentful that someone is paying your bills for you but no one is doing that for him and he wants a piece of that action. He is jealous and envious of your good fortune and probably really angry that you won’t share it with him. That’s why he goes ahead and takes it from you. Trust. Cut your losses, take some valuable lessons from it and don’t look back.
I emailed him back and said “No I don’t want to go to the therapy session with you. You need to go to therapy because your stealing and lying has ruined your life and you need help, NOT because you want to get back together with me. I do not want to get back together with you. I’m hoping this is your rock bottom.” and he texted me saying that has hard as it is to read that it’s reality. I said he needs to find a homeless shelter asap and also there a lot of people in this area on Craigslist that need roommates and rent is only $400 plus utilities. He makes at least $1.1k a month so that’s pretty decent. He’s been paying back 6k in credit card debt for the last couple years but I told him to get another credit card and deal with the debt again.
I would stop communicating with him and stop giving him advice and telling him what he needs to do. For one, it keeps you tied to him and keeps him the ‘needy victim’ and you as the ‘person who has what he should have’. You are not doing him any favors doing all his thinking for him and frankly, he is going to agree with you even if he doesn’t agree with you because he needs to keep you on the hook.
Fact is, dude should sit down and think for himself for like 30 stinking minutes and figure all that shit out himself. Either he will or he won’t. But you handing him everything neatly on a silver platter isn’t helpful. The stealing and lying isn’t what is ruining his life so much as his attitude that leads to the stealing and lying. Coming up with solutions for him – like calling craigslist – doesn’t give him the practice he needs in solving his own problems. Can you see that it’s another form of ‘stealing’? He is taking the solutions he needs from you instead of coming up with his own. He needs to exercise his ‘doing it for yourself’ muscles. It isn’t rocket science so I’m sure he is capable of reasoning this stuff out.
I think part of the reason why things got to the point they did is because you are a little ‘co-dependent’ or a little too nice. You gave him another chance that he didn’t deserve and now you’re ‘helping’ him with advice after you had to call police to have him removed from your home. Why?? You feel sorry for him? A guy who disrespects you, steals from you, lies to you, robs you blind, doesn’t pull his own weight and uses you and has to be forcibly removed from your home? It might be a good idea to consider some individual counseling for yourself so you can figure out why you would accept this kind of treatment and why you have such a hard time putting your foot down. You are going to attract this kind of guy into your life over and over again until you address whatever it is inside you that can’t say “No”.
PLEASE STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. You dont need to be telling him what to do next or how to solve HIS problem. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE… do not allow yourelf to have any contact with him AT ALL anymore. You are setting yourself up for even more abuse that could escalate.
You’re trying, keep it up!! I know that cutting communication is easier said than done but ease into it. He is an adult and he really will figure it out on his own eventually. I agree about looking into individual counseling. I did individual counseling when my prior relationshp was ending and it helped me a lot to understand myself better and choose a better partner for myself the next time.
There is good reason why so many are telling you that cold turkey is the smartest strategy. Stop giving him advice. Block his calls and emails, delete him from social media and change your locks. You’ve already said all that needs to be said. You can do it!
You are young and have a long and beautiul life ahead of you and I know you will find a man who truly deserves you! Even though I dont know you, I am very proud of you for being so young and standing up for yourself and being so strong!!
P.S. but yes, please change your number and email address and CUT HIM OFF completely. I’m speaking from experience, I had to do that in my past and it was the best decision to cut off that person altogether. Good luck xoxo
Please don’t communicate with him anymore. Tell him that you no longer wish to hear from him and that you will be calling campus police if he approaches you. If he does, follow through on calling campus police. Block him on your phone, Facebook, email, everything. Don’t give him a platform that will allow him to manipulate you and make YOU feel guilty! He is to blame for this mess and it is his problem now. Hopefully he will grow up and fix his life but likely he’ll just find some other girl to steal and mooch from.
Even if you’re close with his family, I think maybe in order to remove this loser from your life you may need to stop communicating with them as well. You don’t need to hear what’s going on in his life because it’s not your problem anymore! A clean break will help you move on more quickly. Even if his family is super nice, it’s time to think of you. Don’t waste another second on this jerk or his problems!
Congratulations on kicking this loser out of your life! You deserve so much better and I hope this is the start to a brand new life where you can be responsible only for yourself and hopefully find someone you can trust who will be an equal partner in building a future together. I wish you lots of love and happiness. 🙂
I agree with you guys 110% like always however it’s also day 1. But believe me I’m really relieved to not have to deal or worry about him anymore. Our cat Clyde hissed at him in the face when he was crying so he’s over it too. 🙂
Speaking of avoiding contact, his mom texted me and said that I’m still invited to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner because she and the family loves me. Oh my goodness woman hahahaha. (no, I won’t be attending) can you imagine though? “Hey Steve meet my ex-fiancee.”
Very smart of you to decline the holiday invitations too. I recommend telling his mom that while you love her and appreciate her support, it will be easier to move on if you cut (or limit) contact with her for a while. Congratulations on standing up for yourself. Keep it up!
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