Post # 76
sabrinabee2122: I think you don’t want to fuck him because he’s already fucking you over in every way possible. 26 is way too old to feel entitled to a free ride. This is a boy who is never going to grow up unless someone forces him to, and you deserve so much better. Kick him out and don’t look back as you move on with your life and find a man who will treat you with respect. I feel like you must not believe, deep down, that you are worthy of a mature partner, so it might be better not to date for a while. I don’t think therapy would be amiss.
Post # 77
There’s not much I can add here that hasen’t already been said – you need to get rid of this loser. It sounds like you are a bright, articulate, college-educated young lady and you can do FAR better that some 26 year old creep who steals from you, lies to your face and is emotionally abusive.
I’d be willing to bet it’s not just cigarettes he’s addicted to.
OP I really hope you do read all these replies and take everyone’s advice on board, this guy is using you and this relationship is not going to end well for you. Walk away and don’t look back!!!
Post # 78
Not to mention that the guy has not only student debt but from the sound of it, significant consumer debt as well. This story goes from bad to worse.
Post # 79
The fact that you allow this shit to happen repeatedly and have not left his sorry ass is just beyond comprehension to me.
Why do you and your parents enable him? Really?
As for the credit card being locked while on vacation — all he would have to do is call the credit card company, verify it’s him with his social security number, confirm that he is on vacation in FL and made those purchases, and they’d unlock the credit card immediately. I’ve been there and done that before. It takes less than two minutes via phone. So, he was playing you in FL with his bullshit and you allowed it.
Post # 80
You two are pretty much still living off your parents, he’s so in debt that he cannot afford to pay for his way of life, housing, food, and school loans, you made no mention of you having any money of your own that wasn’t given to you (not a negative for someone in school, just a fact in your case, I was there too at 21 for the most part), neither of you are financially stable it appears, and you are planning on getting married. What, exactly, are your plans for financial stability after marriage? Sure YOU can get a job and become financially stable after graduation, but will YOU be able to maintain the same lifestyle that your parents are providing for you? I say this so harshly because, well, the facts don’t lie. HE, in his current state, will be UNABLE to help support the family financially. HE will make it so that YOU have a harder time supporting your family financially (your family being the two of you after marraige) due to him stealing money from you. What happens when that $100 in your wallet was intended for paying bills? That $80 was for gas to get you to your job.
I’m not saying you should leave him, or that your choice to be engaged is wrong – but the fact that you’re still with him at this point leads me to believe that you have blinders on, and aren’t looking towards the future. You MUST invision what your future is going to be like once you’re married to this guy and are no longer being supported by your parents. Having someone finacially supporting you outside of your relationship makes it easier to maintain a mostly “happy” relationship. When the time comes that you’re unable to make rent payments, or buy groceries because you’re the ones paying for it now, and he’s stolen that money, you’re going to have some real issues. It’s not going to be him taking money that is relatively insignificant (meaning it doesn’t affect your QUALITY of life), it is going to be him taking money that you use to provide a roof over your heads, clothes on your backs, and food in your stomachs. Just THINK about that, and decide for yourself if you want to stay with him or not.
Post # 81
I just wanna say you guys are 110% right and I read everything you guys said. I just need the balls to break up with him but I’m (understandably?) worried about doing it because it’s complicated. But this has definitely given me more courage to do it that like someone said, is that these replies are validating that he is no good. I also think you guys are right about me enabling him. When he steals shit all I ask is that I get the money back. When he took from my Florida fund he made a to-do list and paying me back was one of the things without me asking. I know some other women that would RAISE. TOTAL. HELL. And I’m not one to yell about sh*t as long as it gets resolved in the end. But yes you guys are totally right that because of this my trust is also completely dissolved.
He doesn’t have anywhere else to go if I kick him out that is still close enough to his work (he doesn’t have a car)(which isn’t my problem) and he also has no savings at all for a new apartment on his own so that’s not going to happen either. (not my problem either, someone that has no huge bills should have a fat savings account) So he’s kind of stuck here and while I don’t want him here and I’m pretty much checked out of the relationship, (I can’t picture myself with him for forever) do I give him like a week to sleep on the floor and get his shit together or like what? I’m not really sure what to do with that because I never left anyone that lived with me too.
Also I want to reply to some things you guys said:
AB Bride said: “For one thing – why is he using YOUR debit card? I don’t know where you live, but I’ve posted here about that a few times. If you tell someone your PIN or banking password with any of the major banks, you are no longer covered for fraud. It has happened where a criminal stole someone’s money, but because they admitted to giving their SO their PIN they were SOL.”
He is not allowed to use it, it is mine. He stole it because I have money in my checking and he has a zero balance till payday. He could swipe it as “credit” and then doodle my signature to get what he wants. No one around here checks ID. I’m sure that was gonna be his plan. He doesn’t know my PIN however and I’m really good about changing it often. I follow Dave Ramsey’s advice as far as money, and he is familiar with it too, and I totally agree that you have a free spend account and when that’s gone, it’s gone. However when that happens to him, (usually by Tuesday or Wednesday before the next paycheck) he comes to me or tries to steal.
Also he bought me a diamond ring, one that I picked out from a vintage shop. It’s a .53 carat marquise solitaire yellow gold. It only cost $550 and he was able to pay for most of it because at the time he was working at a golf course and some of the rich people there would literally tip him $600 for getting clubs and stuff. Some of it was paid for by doing yardwork for his uncle. His uncle knew he was buying me a ring he so generously gave him more money.
I’d really love to sell the ring because he owes my parents and I around $400. But I know as soon as I mention a breakup he is going to grab it and sell it faster than I can. Trying to think of ways to insure that is it going to be mine. Legally is it mine? Is there anything I can do?
Post # 82
sabrinabee2122: Glad you’re seeing the light. Give him a week if you feel it’s necessary, do not sleep with him. His place is on the couch or at a friends. If he says he has no where to go, tell him to go F himself… I mean tell him to consult craigslist or talk to his friends. Tell him if anything is stolen or missing in the week you’ve given him you will file a police report *and follow through wih it *. The $400 he owes your rents? Forget it. Give him the ring back and tell your folks you’ll pay them back when you can. CHANGE YOUR LOCKS WHEN HE’S GONE. Talk to your apartment security (think you said that’s how youre living) to get this done. Good luck! Cut ties with this loser and don’t look back.
Post # 83
sabrinabee2122: Whether or not you have to give him back the ring (legally) depends on the state you live in. Some consider it a gift and you can keep it, and some consider it a gift conditional upon the marriage happening, in which case you’d have to return it.
How long you legally have to give him to move out also depends on the state. Some would require 30 days.
Post # 84
The engagement ring is his. Legally, you have to give it back.
How to get him out of your house? This is what you say to him:
“You are stealing from me and you lie about it consistantly. You emotionally manipulate and guilt me about our sex life. I don’t trust you and you are not a reliable and caring partner to me. Take this engagement ring back, sell it, and use the money to put yourself up in a motel for a week while you get your shit together and find somewhere else to live.”
Do NOT give him any timeframe to get out (like a week or month) other than immediately. If you let him continue to stay with you knowing he is getting kicked out, he WILL steal even more from you.
Let the $400 he owes you and your family go and consider it a very cheap lesson in the long run.
Post # 85
pumilionis: I was going to reiterate the 30 day thing, but if he isn’t paying rent he signs away that “right”. I think a week is generous, let him call the cops if he feels she’s unjust.
Post # 86
sabrinabee2122: Do you have the ring? Sell it ASAP and tell him you sold it to get back the money he owes you. If you dont plan to sell it give itto your mom or hide it we…. I bet it is not possible.
I am just concerned that when he hears of breakup he is going to clean your house of valuebles! Be really careful! Can you talk to your parents? Can you get your mom/family member/friend to come to stay over with you?
He sounds like a kind of guy that would nt have any scruples! I hope he did not have your card cloned or something!
Take care and best of luck, I hope all works out for you!
Post # 87
I have to second the posters who are saying it’s not cigs he is addicted to. Sorry but he is probably using something a little stronger… he makes 17K and pays no bills, he should be able to afford even a 2 pack a day habit if that’s what he wants.
Post # 88
sabrinabee2122: The ring is his and there is nothing you can do about it. (Although if I were in your shoes I’d be half tempted to “lose” it some place). I agree with pp who sai you should just forget about the money he owes you and your family, you will never get it back, it’d be a costly hassle to go through small claims too.
As far as getting the balls to break up with him; When I broke up with my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 3 years I wrote out exactly what I wanted to say to him, and all of the ways I felt he’d wronged me, and why we could never be together, then I practiced the conversation for a couple of days. I re-read my “speech” over and over until I had it memorized, so when I finally did it I just recited everything by heart. It made things much easier and not nearly as emotional because every time I read it and said it aloud my heart had the chance to catch up to what my mouth was going to do.
it is so hard to break up with anyone, especially since you are engaged and not only emotionally invested in him, but I am sure you feel financially invested in him. Stay strong and follow through, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there is a life after your breakup!
Post # 89
Legally speaking I believe the ring technically should be returned to him, since it was given as a “conditional” gift with the expectation of marriage. He’d probably have to take you to small claims court or something though.
Post # 90
AnnaVictoria: I agree with the “stealing valuables” thing. The police will provide you with an “escort” while he gets his shit out of your place and you oversee it. I’d probably take him out some place to break up with him, a walk in the park or something, and have a friend change your locks while you are out doing that.