Snooping – innocent past time or serious red flag?

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Is snooping on a significant other an innocent past time or a serious red flag?
    Snooping for engagement information is okay because I am involved and it is done with good intention : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Snooping is never okay. In fact I find it a red flag in a relationship and a violation of trust : (39 votes)
    39 %
    Snooping is okay if you think someone is in danger : (53 votes)
    52 %
    Other - I will explain my position : (8 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5983 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Snooping isn’t okay, though I understand the reasons some do (e.g. suspicion of cheating, not wondering how big a diamond is).  Also my feelings about that didn’t stop me from hunting all over the house for my ring (I never found it).  However I wouldn’t read someone’s emails/documents to glean information on the subject and I seriously don’t believe people who say it was an accident.  If you can’t use a device without ‘accidentally’ reading personal information, you need your own device.

    Post # 3
    Member
    872 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I think if you genuinely are concerned about someone’s safety, “snooping” is excusable. Even then it’s a violation of privacy and trust, but if it’s to save their life I’d argue it’s worth it.

    But if you’re “keeping tabs” on their conversations, or trying to find receipts, that’s bullshit and if you feel the need to do that you shouldn’t be in a relationship. 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Post # 4
    Member
    5302 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Lol I posted this on a waiting thread. It’s not ok, speaks to that persons insecurities and is just generally creepy. The number of people on here who ‘accidentally’ open someone’s mail or ‘accidentally’ go through text messages is pretty astounding. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    616 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    I did WONDER if my boyfriend was going to propose but it never crossed my mind to snoop. I did snoop in a previous relationship and I’m not proud of it. I never felt the urge to snoop in any relationship but the last one and I should have trusted my gut feeling.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    6228 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    kmjkh :  I voted before I saw the option about if someone is in danger. Generally I think snooping is wrong for all the reasons you mentioned. However  if you truly think someone is in danger that’s a completely different story.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1191 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    kmjkh :  My fiancé and I have the pin codes to each others phone and that’s enough. I’ve never gone into his personal stuff like email, messenger etc. I voted that it’s okay to snoop if you believe that someone is in danger because I instantly thought back to the bee who found inappropriate photos of underage girls. In those types of situations I think it’s okay to look so you can report it to the appropriate authorities. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3600 posts
    Sugar bee

    Snooping for engagement info just smacks of immaturity and makes me question whether the person or the relationship is even ready for a mature relationship and a step like marriage.

    Snooping in all other cases – your relationship is already over.  Whatever it is you’re looking for, you don’t need the proof to show the relationship should already be put to pasture because a relationship can’t survive without trust.  Maybe the snooping temporarily makes you feels better, but you’ve already proved you’re insecure and don’t trust your partner and you’re untrustworthy yourself and there is no coming back from that – you’re just delaying the inevitable.  So if you’re to that point, you might as well rip the band-aid off and move on.

    Post # 9
    Member
    208 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    It really doesn’t bother me or affect me if people snoop for engagement info, so I don’t care enough to have an opinion on what others do. As long as after you do it, you don’t come on here whining about feeling guilty or ruining a surprise. If you’re going to snoop for info, just own it, you knew what you were doing. 

    ETA: Snooping for other reasons as far as cheating or whatever, yeah that’s a red flag. If you have to look, you already know something’s going on. Had that in a past relationship. Not a good feeling. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2521 posts
    Sugar bee

    i Love how many snoopers “accidentally” find info, really,they would never deliberately snoop. Yeah right.  I remember the poster who went thru 12 pairs of her Bf’s socks before she accidentally found her ring…

    Post # 11
    Member
    5632 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    If you’re snooping, you don’t trust your partner, and that’s an indication that the relationship is already over. If you don’t have trust, what do you have? As for snooping as far as engagement goes, again, it seems someone doesn’t trust their partner to propose within an agreed upon timeframe or they don’t trust them to “do it right.” In those cases, it gain comes down to trust or being overly controlling, in which case they should just propose to their boyfriend in order to make sure everything is done “correctly.”

    Post # 12
    Member
    10843 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    Snooping when there is no good reason is a violation of trust and is not OK. 

    But if someone suspects their spouse of cheating, an addiction, hiding money etc. then I would never judge them for doing anything that is not illegal in order to get ahead of the situation, obtain evidence, and to inform and protect themselves. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    I snooped, had a feeling my now husband was planning on proposing and I got a little tipsy one night and looked through his phone. Totally ruined the surprise for myself, and I know snooping isn’t ok and learned my lesson.

    my husband and I have talked about it, if we ever feel the need to go through each other’s phones because we think the other is doing something shady then we know we’re in a real bad spot in our marriage. We each deserve some privacy and more importantly we have to trust each other. 

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    3002 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Snooping is only done if you’re 1) being inappropriately invasive (like trying to find info on your ring), 2) are riddled with insecurities, or 3) you don’t trust the person you’re with. Snooping doesn’t occur with people who aren’t one of those three things. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    1167 posts
    Bumble bee

    Snooping is not ok. A while ago I felt really insecure and I couldn’t shake off the feeling that my bf was not being honest about something. I knew he would tell his friend the truth. His alarm went off while.in shower and as I was holding the phone I checked what he had written. I was right. It was wrong if me to snoop. I came clean and I explained my reasons. But at the same time I’m glad I did it cause it helped us to open up.

    I think snooping is wrong. But I also think it’s not the worst thing to do. Doing it for fun is not ok. Trying to figure out a suprise is not ok, if you have a feeling that something is off it’s better to talk but i can understand snooping. If the nagging feeling is  often then there is something wrong with relationship.

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