Snooping – innocent past time or serious red flag?

posted 6 months ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Is snooping on a significant other an innocent past time or a serious red flag?
    Snooping for engagement information is okay because I am involved and it is done with good intention : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Snooping is never okay. In fact I find it a red flag in a relationship and a violation of trust : (39 votes)
    39 %
    Snooping is okay if you think someone is in danger : (53 votes)
    52 %
    Other - I will explain my position : (8 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 31
    6210 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    ashley.nicole.2122 :  Wow. Any “friend” of mine who went through my voicemails without me knowing would never, ever be a “friend” again after that. EVER. Indeed, listening to someone’s voicemails makes them not show up as current anymore, so the person might miss them, and you never cared about that? That seems like a HUGE breach of trust. Did your friend ever find out? Did they ever change their password, or do you still know it? That makes me all the more conscious of only checking my messages when I’m alone…

    Post # 32
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Every time my gut told me to snoop it was because I already knew the relationship wasn’t right. I knew he wasn’t fully committed and there was something to worry about. IF I could go back I wouldn’t snoop I’d just leave. If I was married with kids and I had real cause to think cheating was happening and stumbled on some info without snooping. I’d feel justified in snooping to uncover how far the rabbit hole goes. 

    My current boyfriend hasn’t given me a single thing to ever worry about. From the start I trusted him 100% with no doubts. I still feel that way a year later. My gut and the way he treats me and the man he is leaves me completely at ease with no desire to snoop. Good relationships don’t make you snoop. 


    kmjkh :  

    Post # 33
    1366 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    When you suspect a spouse of cheating or being shady and they won’t confess it, I completely supported snooping. That’s your own personal health, finances, and mental well being at stake and you should do what you can to find out if that’s in danger. 

    Other dire situations where someone is in danger, I think snooping is fine.

    An engagement ring or potential proposal is not something you should snoop over. Open conversation with the person is a much better route in that case! But I can understand the excitement and curiousity that comes with an impending proposal, and usually those who snoop for such info end up feeling guilty for what they find, which is their punishment and lesson. Nothing I’m going to personally skewer them over.

    Post # 34
    380 posts
    Helper bee

    pinkglasses :  this is actually a great point! I hadn’t really thought about it because luckily, I haven’t had anyone text or email me with that kind of sensitive stuff yet. But to be completely honest, it would probably be information that my Darling Husband would end up hearing about anyway. We tell each other everything, but to be fair, my family and friends know that (and most of them are the same with their spouses). So I guess for the ones that know we share everything, they just wouldn’t bother to tell me that kind of stuff if they didn’t want him to know, and I completely understand and am totally okay with it. 

    Post # 35
    247 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    echomomm :  yeah I definitely know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I also never told this friend, because she would probably have the same mentality and not want to be friends anymore. At the very least, it would have caused a big blow up and, while it would be warranted, I just didn’t want to deal with it at the time. And as far as the most current ones, if the little announcement said “you have 1 new message and 5 old messages. To listen to your messages, press 1…” I just hung up and didn’t listen to the new ones so they still showed as current. I was smart enough not to let on that someone was in her voicemail. At the time, I did it mostly because I didn’t want her to change her password, but also a little bit because I didn’t want her to miss a potentially important message. My friend never did find out. I don’t think she ever changed it, but this was a few years back and I stopped listening to her voicemails, so I have no clue if her password is the same. 

    Post # 36
    7906 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    jayquellen :  “When you suspect a spouse of cheating or being shady and they won’t confess it, I completely supported snooping.”

    Yep this is my feeling too. I wouldn’t walk away from a marriage based on a hunch – I’d snoop and try to find concrete evidence first. And let’s face it…if your husband is the cheating type, odds are simply “talking to him” rather than snooping isn’t going to yield much info…most of these dudes will lie through their teeth.

    It’s not black & white imo – there are cases where snooping is warranted, and there are cases where it certainly isn’t.

    Post # 37
    220 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    I dont think its ever ok, and ive been tempted to do it myself for a few reasons, but this understanding of the violation it is has always stopped me. 


    That being said, on 2 occasions i have “inadvertently” snooped – and it had consequences. 

    The first being an Ex, he had left his phone on the bed whilst he was downstairs, and said i could use it to message someone. I messaged them, and signed myself out, and signed him back in so he didnt miss anything ( he used it for business so didnt want him to miss notifications) and when it had logged him in i saw hundereds of messages of a vulgur nature to someone else, spanning the entirety of our relationship. 

    I didnt go looking – but i feel more like the universe brought it to my attention. 


    The second time my FH was trying to show me something he had been sent in an email that we was having a hard time with, and when he went back i noticed an email from a jewelers. He probably didnt think i would see, or he forgot, but it brought the idea of a potential engagement to my mind ( we had a timeline, this was 8 months before the end of that!) so it was accidental on all parts but still a shame. 

    Post # 38
    1200 posts
    Bumble bee

    kmjkh :  snooping is generally not okay. I think the exception is if you have a serious reason to believe you’re being cheated on. I’ve only snooped once and it was not premeditated. My ex left his phone on the coffee table when we were watching a movie. He went to the bathroom and I saw the first few words of a text message from a female friend. I can’t remember what it said but it was inappropriate so I opened the text to read the entire message. And then I continued to read the few messages before it. Then I just left without saying goodbye and broke up with him via phone call. Did I invade his privacy? Yes. But I had a good reason to snoop!  

    Post # 39
    179 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    The only time I think snooping is OK is when one partner has *very* strong suspicious that the other is being unfaithful (for example, heard friends make comments, noticed behavior differences, seen a sketchy text pop up on his phone and he hid it), but they won’t come clean about it. In that case, I think it’s OK. If your partner is cheating on you and possible exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases, you should def find out so you can leave the relationship. Won’t hear me chastising you for snooping to find confirmation!

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