Post # 1
Another post got me thinking…
Is it ever ok to snoop on your FI/husband? By snooping, I mean checking his email, his cell phone, his facebook or myspace page? If you suspect that your SO is cheating, is it justified, or is it just as bad as the cheating itself? If there is no reason to suspect cheating, is it ok, and in what circumstances?
I come from the camp that privacy is privacy, and everyone is entitled to it to a degree. But where is that degree drawn?
Post # 3
I am anti-snooping, I feel that if you are snooping, then it is most likely because you are looking for something that is not good…
I do open most of his mail because otherwise he will leave his bank statements etc lying around the house randomly & if I don’t open them & file them away he can’t find them when he needs them.
Post # 4
personally, I am not a snooper and when I hear of my friends doing it, I often think there is a deeper issue or they are insecure.
If you suspect cheating, I think you would be much better off by just talking about it with the person then finding out via snooping and then talking to them. Sometimes things are not what they seem when you do snoop and just talking about it can save you a lot of unnecessary heartach.
This is just my opinion though!
Post # 5
Depends on the situation and NOBODY knows how they will react unless placed in the situation.
If it’s a very very serious one, and there’s huge red flags and you’re worried, then I don’t say anything is off the table. Again, I don’t know how I’d react to something that has not happened to my significant other and I. Can only give "maybe".
Truth be known and this I do know for a fact since I am divorced and my x cheated, that had I just honestly confronted him as I did at first (without checking on his words) I would have believed him and never found out the truth. Something just didn’t add up after talking and I personally DID snoop.
In no way is this indicative of who I am as a woman, friend, or partner. I did what was appropriate at the time and for the situation and I stand behind my actions.
Again, unless you’ve actually crossed that bridge, you CANNOT say what you will do in such a situation and I’m supportive of all bees especially those who are hurting.
Post # 6
interesting topic! i also am more of an "anti-snooper" (is that a word?). i respect his things/space and he does the same. i will admit, however, that when he is on the phone in the other room and i hear my name i’ll turn down the t.v. to hear what hes saying…but i promise i stop listening shortly and let him have his conversation in private. 🙂
i never check his email or phone.etc.
Post # 7
Snooping is never a good idea. You’ll always find something and make it into something it isn’t.
Post # 8
bellenga: I’ve also been in your shoes, and I completely understand where you are coming from. That’s why I ask where the line is drawn. I was in a relationship in college that was busted when he left his browser open to a message board where he was discussing whether or not to tell me about sleeping with his ex while he and his family were in Germany. I was completely in the dark about the entire thing, and would never have suspected anything had I not seen it on his computer.
Post # 9
Funny I’ve never considered myself a snooper, but like Belle I have and uncovered the truth. I think looking back, I needed proof to see it for myself, but it was really just to confirm what I already knew. Used a great program called Eblaster…..
Post # 10
I used to freak when I heard my friends talk about snooping. This seemed crazy to me and I couldn’t imagine crossing that privacy line. Then I was in a relationship where I felt like something was wrong I couldn’t figure out what it was but I had this feeling that something was off. One day he left the house and forgot his phone sitting right in front of me on the coffee table. I took the plunge into the abyss and checked his texts. He was talking to another woman about having a relatioship with her and breaking up with me. I was pissed. When I confronted him I told him I thought he was cheating. He tried to deny it until I told him what I had read. Had I not had evidence he would have never admited it.
The thing was, we had talked about it before. I had a friend at the time who was cheating on her husband and he went on and on about how that was so wrong. He also told me constantly how he loved me and wanted me to live with him. And the worse part was that the woman he was talking to… well he would talk about her here and there. He had known her for like 20 years so I didn’t think too much abuot it. I had asked him if he had ever slept with her though. Kind of jokingly. I just figured he had maybe slept with her when they were younger or something. I never would have guessed that he was talking to me about the girl that he was all but cheating on me with. Jerk!
Anyway.. snooping is bad. I agree. And 99% of the time it makes it worse. In ways it made that situation worse too. But I had to know and so I took the plunge. I don’t brag about it and I’m not proud of myself. But for my own peice of mind it was necessary The worse part about it is once you start snooping it’s soo soo soo hard to stop. You feel like you might be justified to do it again but really it just makes you feel worse. Double edged sword.
Post # 11
I saw that other post and it got me thinking too…
I am not in favor of snooping…I typically think of snooping as a person reguarly checking the other person’s email and cell phone…to me that is very problematic and does not sound like a healthy, secure relationship. However, I can think of several situations where someone either inadvertently saw a text message, or saw an email, or cell phone statement (I think Miss Snapdragon found out her fiance was cheating when she saw his cell phone statement)…and it turned out the other person was cheating. I agree that you have to try and talk with the other person first, but if they deny it and you have a feeling in your gut because things don’t add up (like Bellenga said in her comment above), then maybe snooping is okay…and it doesn’t make you a terrible, insecure, untrustworthy person who no boundaries…but snooping first before talking is not okay…
My husband and I are both really open with each other…so I don’t know where the privacy line is drawn, but it makes me feel better knowing that even if I don’t actually go into his email/facebook/cell phone, that it wouldn’t be a problem with him if I did…if he suddenly got defensive about me wanting to use his phone or check something on his email, that would make me suspicious…
Post # 12
I agree with other posters that certain circumstances warrant it.
I think a relationship in which you have to snoop and keep tabs on your partner on a routine basis is not a healthy one.
However, to protect yourself from infidelity I think it is justified.
I know women who have ignored the nagging feeling that something was wrong and refused to snoop. Their instincts were right, but they waited to long that the results were disasterous- STD, financial ruin, trauma to children, etc.
If you feel something is wrong and you snoop- either you are right and have saved yourself from a bad situation or you are wrong and may have to look inside yourself to determine why you can’t trust.
But I do think it is justified under certain circumstances.
Post # 13
I’m not a snooper, but I did do it almost accidentally once. Long story short, I’ve known all of his passwords since day 1 (he’s a pretty obvious typer) but never used them. Then last fall I bought his Christmas present on ebay but the emails got sent to his account so I had to "hack" into it to clear them out. I saw an email that I thought was something completely different and found some sexual and very incriminating conversation. At that point I started opening all of them and double checking the dates hoping they were from before we met. They weren’t. I was furious but nothing had happened beyond internet flirtations and he freaked out when it had become "real" to him and never talked to them again. We worked through it and are fine now. Along the same note, I haven’t checked or been tempted to check any of his emails, texts, etc. since then.
I agree that snooping as an everyday/regular occurence isn’t healthy and is probably a signal of underlying issues. At least for me, feeling something is wrong and investigating is completely different. If I had done that with my ex-boyfriend then maybe he wouldn’t have been able to string me along for two years as he continually convinced me there was nothing going on with the other girls.
Post # 14
Trust is not a conditional thing, you either trust the other person or you don’t. I agree with many of the other posters above, if you feel the need to snoop, you need to take a close look at your relationship.
Post # 15
I’m anti-snooping but I’ve never been in the position where it may be warrented. I can say that I wouldn’t snoop unless I had a REALLY good reason (if I felt he was cheating). Plus, I’m not ninja enough to do it without him knowing! LOL