(Closed) Snubbed Bridesmaid

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Did she really tell you that you were not allowed to get ready with the rest of the bridesmaids?  I am so sorry that she did that to you!  My feelings would have been so hurt also.

If I were you, I would let her know how she made you feel.  You are such a good person not to bail on her but she at least needs to know how much she hurt your feelings.  That was such a wrong thing to do.  Good luck!!  Know that you’re the bigger person! 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Wow – that is flat out terrible. I would call her for an explanation immdiatly. And if it’s honestly not something thats understandable, which to me I can’t fiugre out how it could be – I would in fact drop out.

Yes, the day is about her, but that does not mean she can stop her bridezilla feet all over hurting whoever she wants. She needs to provide you with an explanation.  Treat you as an equal! 

I am so so SO sorry that this is happening to you. This really is terrible and I hope you get it worked out, get an explanation and please keep us updated.  

Post # 5
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

That is really odd.  Did you offer to pay for your hair and make-up to be done?  She may think that you are not willing to pay for it.  Her other bm’s may have offered.  IDK?  My moh won’t pay for hers to get done, but she is still getting ready with the rest of us, she just won’t be using the services.

I would talk to her about it, offer to pay, tell her how you feel, etc…

Post # 7
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

How is she related to you?  Married to your brother?  Or your husband’s sister?  I would have the "linking" party talk to her about it too– is it because she mistakenly thinks you’d bring your daughter to the preparation festivities (I suppose some brides might not want children around)? 

It sounds like she’s being awful, but maybe someone can clue you in on why she’s insisting on it…

Post # 8
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

That’s awful! I’m so sorry she said that to you. I say, slash her tires.

Post # 9
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Did she maybe expectyou to ready your children for the wedding? She sounds like a piece of work. 

Post # 11
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt – are the rest of the BMs "friends from school" and you are her sister-in-law?  Are you older than the rest of the BMs? – Maybe take the angle that it isn’t that she wants to exclude you, but that she wrongly assumed that you wouldn’t want to be a part of it.  I would suggest calling her and saying, "Bride, you mentioned that you and everyone else are getting ready at the salon.  I was really looking forward to what was one of my favorite parts of the wedding day –giggling, laughing, and getting ready w/the bride and other bridesmaids.  I would really like to join you and the rest of the BMs at the salon."  I’m sure she had no idea how important it was and that she wasn’t trying to exclude you.  Once you communicate with her how much you’d like to be included, I am sure she will include you.

 

Post # 12
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, whatever the reason, she was really thoughtless and rude.  If she somehow thought that you might not want to join them, she should have asked.  If she had concerns about your daughter getting ready, again she should have discussed that with you.  It would be completely possible to schedule hair and make-up such that you could bring your daughter, or run home afterwards to finish getting her ready.  And you should completely get whatever benefits the rest of the bridesmaids get – if she is paying for hair and make-up for them, she should pay for you.  There is no excuse for being treated like a second-class citizen just because you’re family.

At any rate, I would call her up and let her know that you were looking forward to that part of the day, and see what she has to say.  Hopefully she is just thoughtless and not actually purposely trying to exclude you.  If she really doesn’t want you there, I think you are absolutely justified in opting out and just attending (including your daughter) as a guest.

Post # 14
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

Wow, that is pretty outrageous.  I have to be blunt and say that I wonder if she asked you out of a sense of obligation?  Are you good friends with her?  It’s possible that she felt like she "had" to ask you because you’re her SIL and because she was in your wedding, and now she’s treating you differently because of that.  I’m not trying to be hurtful, but it really did seem like the obvious explanation to me.  In any event, no matter what her reasons, her behavior is totally unacceptable.  I wouldn’t fault you at all for dropping out, I would use the "what would I regret more" test.  Would you be more reretful 5 years from now at having dropped out of someone’s wedding 3 weeks before the big day, or would you regret more being in the wedding of someone who was so rude to you and disregarded your feelings so callously?

ETA: You might also want to consider the fact that she is family, though.  Don’t forget that this is someone who will likely be a part of your family for the rest of your life, so just be aware of that when deciding what to do.  I still don’t think you would be wrong to drop out, but it very well could cause some tension that you just really wouldn’t want to have to deal with later on.  Family grudges are pretty lame, even when you did nothing wrong to cause them.

Post # 15
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

The real problem (or at least one of them) with family is often that for some reason they feel as if they don’t have to treat you as well as they do their friends.  And often, you put up with family treating you badly – when you wouldn’t put up with the same from a friend – because they are family.  I firmly believe that you don’t have to put up with that – and that generally it won’t change until you make it clear that you won’t put up with it.  There is nothing at all wrong with making it politely clear to family that you will be treated appropriately.  And there is nothing wrong, if family can’t bring themselves to do that, with politely opting out of spending time with them – certainly any time that you don’t have to spend (random dinners, weekend outings, being a bridesmaid) and in cases where the behavior is seriously rude, even opting out of holiday dinners or wedding attendance.  This doesn’t sound like rudeness that justifies not attending her wedding, but just as she would be justified in asking you to step down as a bridesmaid if you behaved badly, you would be justified in stepping down if she can’t treat you reasonably.

Putting yourself in a situation where you feel taken advantage of, and badly treated, just to avoid some potential bad feeling on her part, isn’t reasonable.  What about the bad feelings that you’re having?

Although, I do hope it works itself out when you talk to her.  Because it is true that unless you’re prepared to just not see much of her, it’s better to get along with family. 

Post # 16
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Please keep us updated on what happens after you talk to her. 🙂

The topic ‘Snubbed Bridesmaid’ is closed to new replies.

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