Post # 1
Hi bees! I have a friend who I have known since I was 5, and even though we have grown apart over the years, I still decided to ask her to be in my wedding. She got engaged a few years ago and asked me to be a bridesmaid. However, that didn’t work out and the wedding never happened. When I got engaged the next year, I asked her to be in my wedding as well. At my wedding last month, she apparently told one of my bridesmaids that she didn’t know if I asked her to be in my wedding because I felt guilty or because I needed a 5th person. I was really hurt, but just blew it off as her being upset that she wasn’t the center of attention.
Anyway, she got engaged a month before my wedding, and she had told me that they were having a really small wedding and she was only having family in her bridal party. I told her it was no big deal and that I understood. Then at her bridal shower yesterday, she introduces a girl as one of her bridesmaids. My feelings are more hurt that she lied to me. I was really supportive of her – I even told her it was fine that they used the same wedding venue as me and Darling Husband did. It’s just a slap in the face, and at this point I’m considering bringing it up with her along with some other issues we’ve had.
Post # 2
I think as you yourself said you two haven’t been close in recent years, so perhaps she just wanted a bridal party of those she’s closest to now. She was likely trying to prime you in the nicest way she could when she explained just family/small wedding. Wouldnt the truth have been more awkward? i woukd just let it be and try to understand she just wanted a different sort of friend representation.
Post # 3
Just because she asked you once, years ago, does not mean she has to ask you again. Also, just because you asked her to be a bridesmaid does not mean she has to reciprocate. She already made a comment about being surprised she was even asked – she clearly does not see you as a close friend.
She is allowed to have a random girl in her wedding. She might have changed her mind or she is uncomfortable dissussing parts of her wedding (perhaps you sounded liked you’re fishing for a bridal party invite). Maybe she was worried about how you’d react knowing you weren’t going to be in the wedding or the girl is somehow related to the groom.
Post # 4
“she apparently told one of my bridesmaids that she didn’t know if I asked her to be in my wedding because I felt guilty or because I needed a 5th person. I was really hurt, but just blew it off as her being upset that she wasn’t the center of attention.”
Maybe this is how she really felt and not–as you saw it–simply being upset at not being the ‘center of attention’.
Post # 5
I even told her it was fine that they used the same wedding venue as me and Darling Husband did.
How big of you.
Post # 6
MrsYokiman: That is just her personality. She likes to be the center of attention – she tried to change the order of my bridal party so that she wouldn’t be last in line. She was as involved in everything as all of my other bridesmaids except my Maid/Matron of Honor. I understand if she doesn’t want me in her wedding, but she didn’t have to lie about it. That’s what upsets me.
Post # 7
There is no telling how much backstory could have led to this feeling, but it certainly doesn’t mean that she wanted to be the center of attention. I am not even sure how you logically got to that conclusion. Answer me this: Why did you still ask her to be your bridesmaid despite the fact that you’d grown apart? I really want you to answer this.
But I just cannot wrap my head around you thinking that you being supportive means telling her that it is fine to use the same venue. In what reality would it not be? And in what world would you even have a say in where she gets married? Maybe she didn’t want you in her wedding because you obviously think so poorly of her. And YOU are jumping to conclusions. Is that part of your personality? It sure seems so from everything you’ve said. Maybe at the time you two talked about it she was only having family, but then changed her mind later on and didn’t think it was so important to you that she call you up and say “Hey, I changed my mind about family only bridal party. You’re still not being asked but I asked this other girl.”
Post # 8
Firstly, you’re assuming she lied to you. You don’t know if that other bridesmaid was added after your initial conversation with her. And you’re also assuming it was a malicious lie rather than the “little white lies” people tell all the time to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Perhaps she wasn’t truthful because (like most people) she finds conflict uncomfortable and she didn’t know any gentle way to say “I didn’t choose you because of x, y and z.” The simple fact is that no one is required to select any one person over another as bridesmaid, and it’s her decision to make, and it does no one any good to question it.
I’m wondering if there is more to the story, though, as the comment that she felt like a place filler (didn’t know if she was asked just because you felt guilty or because you needed a fifth person) is not the type of thing a friend says when they are feeling welcomed and loved, regardless of how much or little spotlight they feel they warrant. When you add in the comment that you “let” them use the same venue (if it’s not your back yard, you didn’t “let” them do anything; they are perfectly “allowed” to book any venue they can pay for) makes me think there’s hurt feelings going on somewhere.
Post # 9
Move on. Having someone as a bridesmaid is not reciprocal.
Post # 10
Unless you know 100% that this “girl” has no family relation to the bride or groom or even being a friend who is like a sister… then don’t consider this a snub. Chances are she is closer to them than you in some way.
If you end up having a talk with her about the other issues you want to talk about you might as well just mention this. Just remember that she likely doesn’t see you as close as you think you are based on her comments and behaviour.
Post # 11
Kld37: I’m sorry you’re not getting more sympathy here. As you point out, the problem isn’t that she didn’t ask you, but that she lied. I suspect she lied to soften the blow, but that doesn’t excuse it. It’s ok to be upset. But you can’t do much about it except move on.
Post # 12
According to you, you and your friends have grown apart and have other issues going on that you want to address. It sounds like neither of you should be in each other’s wedding parties…
Post # 13
Kld37: it hurts when you view someone as a close friend and they don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry but clearly she just doesn’t consider you close… I don’t think talking to her will do much good since she doesn’t appear to care that much to begin with. Just distance yourself and treat her like a casual friend going forward.
Post # 14
Kld37: I’m sorry that some folks don’t possess much reading comprehension..
I understand that you’re not so much bothered by the fact that she didn’t ask you, AND you told her you understood, but that she lied to you. I think that would hurt just about anyone! Anyway, I don’t know that I’d say anything to her…my advice is to just let it go.
Post # 15
mdcmod: Exactly what I was thinking reading some of these responses.
I would be hurt too that she couldn’t just be honest with you about not including you. Even if you expected to or not. She obviously explained who was going to be in her bridal party in the first place because she felt slightly guilty not including you. I say you can either bring it up, just so she knows where you stand in the friendship where she should feel like she can be honest with you. Or just let it go and just know not to go or of your way for her since she can’t even be a true friend to you.