Post # 1
SO and I had this discussion not too long ago and he kind of made me feel like I was selfish for not giving my all in a girlfriend’s role. I tried to explain to him that there are things I am not comfortable doing as a girlfriend that I would be comfortable doing as a wife. I’m not sure if I communicated clearly because he then told me that he would start to hold back on doing things for me. I feel like there was tit for tat on his part, I feel like if I have certain standards he should respect them, not be vengeful. We are definitely going to talk more about this because his response is not sitting well with me…
What does the phrase”acting like a wife without being a wife” mean to you? Are there things in your relationship you would do as a wife that you won’t do as a girlfriend? or Do you give your all to every boyfriend you’ve had?
Post # 3
uh I have no idea what he means…did he give you any examples? I’d be pretty leery if my SO started telling me I wasn’t ‘acting’ like a ‘good wife’.
Post # 4
In what way? Financially?
Post # 5
I gave my boyfriend everything. I was his wife the moment I moved in with him. Now he’s my husband.
Post # 6
@MrsWe: What sort of things are you not comfortable doing? I will say that I give my all. I pride myself on being an AWESOME girlfriend, and I’m not afraid to remind my bf of it! A lot times when I’m doing something nice that I don’t HAVE to, but WANT to, I say something along the lines of “Man, I am SO nice! You know what this deserves?” And he will say “A ring on that finger!” because he knows! Ha!
Do you guys live together?
I definitely don’t think it’s healthy for you to be itemizing the things you do for each other and holding back to make it “even”. You should be WANTING to take care of each other, not being spiteful. He should want to be a great boyfriend as much as you want to be a great girlfriend. I will say that (I guess depending on what it is) I don’t think it’s fair to sort of hold certain things over his head that you won’t do UNTIL you’re married.
Post # 7
I have no idea what that means. I plan on acting the same way I do now vs. when we are married. I expect him to act the same too. We are not with each other to change one another.
Post # 8
I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear…I wanted to know what others think about the following questions ( not in regards to my particular situation) just in general:
What does the phrase”acting like a wife without being a wife” mean to you?
Are there things in your relationship you would do as a wife that you won’t do as a girlfriend?
Do you give your all to every boyfriend you’ve had?
Post # 9
@Hyperventilate: +1 I would never use marriage as a ‘weapon’ like that. Nothing has changed in my behaviour from when we moved in.
ETA: the phrase means nothing to me – can you give an example of what you’re not willing to do as a girlfriend, but would as a wife?
Post # 10
I don’t think you should be acting like a wife if if he isn’t formally willing to give you that title. That’s like being a middle manager in a company. Wouldn’t it be unfair and frustrating if you had to do all the work that the vacant vice president position required, but they weren’t willing to move you up?
If he wants you to do a “wife’s work” he needs to start acting like a man who wants to be a husband and propose. There is no good reason he should get all the benefits of having a wife without having to lift a finger. That’s bull. There’s no reason you should be doing all the housework and waiting on him if you’re not his wife. (And by acting like a wife, I mean doing all/most of the housework the housework, errands, giving up weekends with the girls because he would rather you go with him to visit his mother across town, etc.)
I kept my independence almost completely until I got engaged. I still have some of it, but I saw no reason to give it up to someone who wanted to keep HIS independence.
It had nothing to do with using marriage as a “weapon” or “holding things back/over his head”. It had to do with the fact that while I was still legally single, I was going to make working on, taking care of, and enjoying myself my first priority. He and our relationship were a close second, but until I had proof he thought of us in a permanent way, I saw no reason to invest at the cost of other things in my life.
Now that he has proposed, things are much different. I am going to be moving cities because he has a new job, and I don’t mind that at all.
Post # 11
As a wife I will have children and be willing to relocate if my husband’s job changes. As a girlfriend, no. I’m not going to move somewhere where my job prospects would be worse without the guarantee of HIS income, and I will not have children without the guarantee that they will have a father who is in the picture.
“I definitely don’t think it’s healthy for you to be itemizing the things you do for each other and holding back to make it “even”. You should be WANTING to take care of each other, not being spiteful. He should want to be a great boyfriend as much as you want to be a great girlfriend. I will say that (I guess depending on what it is) I don’t think it’s fair to sort of hold certain things over his head that you won’t do UNTIL you’re married.”
Post # 12
We have been together 12 years and living together for 7. There is nothing I’ll be doing when we get married in October that I haven’t already been doing. I don’t believe in ‘the wife takes care of her man’ way of life. I think we should take care of each other, so its not like suddenly I’m going to start doing everything for him when we get married. It’ll be the same as it has been all of this time. What are you holding back??
Post # 13
@jessicadarling: “Man, I am SO nice! You know what this deserves?” And he will say “A ring on that finger!” because he knows! Ha!
LMAO I did this, too. 😉
@distracts: This, though I would move without being a wife, as long as we were moving in that direction.
Post # 14
The only things I won’t do before marriage are have children and buy a house with my SO. Other than that, I don’t see much changing in every day life. We already strive to take care of each other.
What is it that you won’t do until you’re a wife?
Post # 15
@MrsWe: What, specifically, are you talking about?
For me, there is no way I would combine finances or do something like buy a house with a boyfriend. I think that’s crazy. For others, they may not wish to live together before marriage and I think that’s entirely reasonable too.
When I moved in with my husband before we were married, I acted pretty much the way I do now in terms of love and support however, I did that because he had committed to me and I trusted that we were moving toward marriage. If that had changed, if he had indicated he did not want to marry me, I would not have continued to live with him. We did not combine finances until after wer were married nor would I have done so.
I would not advise any woman to act like a wife toward a mere boyfriend. I mean for me, I dated plenty of guys I knew I had no future with so…yeah, acting wife like was never a consideration.
Even if you’re serious about someone, I think its fair and reasonable to reserve certain things for marriage. Your boyfriend’s response to you seems punative and childish but I suppose I’d want to know more about what he wants or expects of you that you’re not doing.
Post # 16
@MrsWe: Can I ask what kind of things you are more comfortable doing as a wife? I don’t really see the difference. We live together, share finances and have his son 50% of the time. While yes, technically, my titles will be girlfriend/fiancee/wife, all of this time I have been his partner. Whether or not there is currently a ring on my finger and a certificate that says we are legally joined together, that man is the man I’m going to spend my life with. I do the things a partner does. We cook for each other, clean our home, have family time, support each other, confide in each other, comfort each other, etc. I don’t think there’s anything I would do differently once we’re married. We already consider ourselves a family and we’re both in it for the long haul.