(Closed) SO and different opinions of raising kids

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think a lot of people have ideas of how they will parent until their kid’s friend invites them for chicken nuggets and a romp in the dirty playground at McD’s.  However, a lot of his ideas have significant financial implications.  It’s great to have those ideas about private school, college and car, but kids are expensive.  Will you have the extra $20000×12 for private school and $50000 x 4 for college (times the number of kids you have!) or will he insist on going into debt to provide this?  The financial part of it is the big deal. The McD’s type stuff are things every future parent thinks they’re going to do. 

Also, as far as religion goes, that could be a huge deal breaker.  I don’t just not participate in organized religion, I generally don’t like it.  My principles are that it causes a lot of intolerance and has historically cause a lot of violence.  Weekly church attendance would likely not work long term for me if I was just doing it for someone else.  I’d also be upset if church was teaching my children intolerance, guilt, shame etc.  It’s easy to say he’d attend for your sake, but he could very well decide later that he’s not being true to himself and resent his promise to attend.  Being a religiously mixed family takes a lot of tolerance.  you have to be OK with explaining to the kids that mom believes one thing and dad believes another and that everyone is allowed to belLieberman what is right for them.  That’s tough for a lot of people who have absolute faith in their religion bc there is no room for other beliefs.  

Post # 3
Member
3185 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

annonymous243:  you lost me at no Disney lol. I’m a Disney fanatic. So that would be a wait what

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

….but like…what about The Lion King? Or Aladin? Tarzan? 

 

Post # 5
Member
7843 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think your partner has some idealistic (and frankly odd) ideas. What if Grandma dies before he thinks the child is “old enough”? Death is a part of life and should be handled apropriately- but not hidden from children. And no happy meal until they are in their teens? I’m with you on that it should be a few and far between treat. And I hope he has a really good job for all the private schools and cars and college educations. Kids need responsibility and at least contribute to things like their car and college IMO. The religion thing is just weird. If he’s not religious, then fine- but don’t pretend. I think I would need to have a lot more conversations with him before I would even consider having kids with him, because I’m with you- these things rub me the wrong way.

Post # 6
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

Please don’t hide death from your kids, it’s part of life and generally something you have no control over. Things like movies and pets help children comprehend these things.

Post # 7
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

annonymous243:  I am in the boat that you truly do not know how you will parent until you have your kiddos.  I am a new parent, so I am not saying this out of experience, because the sole tasks are mandatory across the board (diaper changes, bottles, baths, etc). I am saying this from watching my friends raise their little ones, and ‘laughing’ at themselves now because they had a ton of rules they were going to follow, and well, nope.  

Example:  I will never ever reward my child for throwing a tantrum in public.  (And then their kid threw a tantrum at Target, and giving them the stupid candy that started it all was easier than letting them wail in the aisle floor!!).  

I thnk it is great to have an idea of what you want for your kid, but if a Disney movie is the ONLY thing that will keep them calm, and content for 2 hours while you clean the house, then I would  think the Disney movie it is.  (FWIW, we grew up on disney movies, and it was not until I was an adult where I realized some of the sad connotations throughout them…as a kid, I LOVED the animation and music!!).

Private school is a great goal to strive for, but it also really expensive.  I grew up in private school, and loved my experience, but daycare is hard enough to pay for monthly, lol. Sooooo, instead we just bought a house in a great school district in the event we opt for Public school 🙂

I cannot touch on fast food, but we struggle now to get dinner on the table, and he is only eating from a bottle.  I can imagine on the evenigns where we are both rushing out of work, later than expected, to grab our child, we will be swinging thru a drive-thru (even though we are BIG fans of health and wellness).  At least they have healthier alternatives, right?!

My point:  It is a great discussion to have, but do not let it linger or make you unsure parenting will work.  I promise, at 3 months in, everything I thought would happen, or how I thought we would be as parents, has gone out the window.  I am humbled by this fact, and now, we go day-by-day,  because it really is all about survival!!

Post # 8
Member
4065 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

TBH I think your religion rule is the most ridiculous. Not raising your kids with Disney movies or happy meals is pretty common. 

My parents paid my way through college, and I got straight A’s. Darling Husband paid his way and got them too. Just because a kid has a lot doesn’t make them spoiled. It’s up to you to instill an appreciation for what they have in them.

Post # 9
Member
6887 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

 

annonymous243:  HAHAHAHA, I have to laugh because I get it. We have all these ideas on what we will and won’t do before kids and quite a few times that goes out the window when you have said kids.

Just remember once you have kids to keep an open mind. 

Post # 10
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

I also find that people go into parenting with some ideals that they tweak when they’re actually parenting. Life happens. We adjust. Some lines in the sand never change and some do.

I also think you should continue discussing these things until you have a comfortable feeling about your varied opinions on child-rearing and family activities. Some of the things you’ve mentioned here would be deal breakers for me, so, yeah, I’d want to get on the same page with my Fiance before continuing to plan to marry, even if we agree to leave some of those pages blank for the time being.

Just my $0.02.

 

Post # 11
Hostess
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

OP, just to give you a different view of having things paid for you – I think it can be done in a way where your kids will still appreciate it. I’ll admit I was a spoiled brat in high school; my parents bought me a used car (but it was cool to me, I loved it!) and paid for my insurance. I spent my job money on gas and way more clothes than I needed. When I went to college, I was on a decent scholarship and they paid the rest. After my freshman year, my parents decided that I could take a job and would have to start paying my living expenses (besides rent) and car insurance. I graduated with a 3.7 working 35 hours a week and I greatly appreciated my parents paying for school. They helped me out a good bit during law school as well, and I always appreciated their help and thanked them profusely. Unless I had the flu, I was always in class working hard, because they raised me to be that way. I did not take advantage of it, and I think as long as you raise your kids to work hard, they can appreciate the things you do for them.

My experience with public v. private was also different. My siblings and I all went to public school in elementary school. I’m the oldest and wanted to stay in public school. My younger sister went to private school for high school and my brother for middle and high school. I went to a huge public school with great teachers (all have masters or PhDs and really cared about our education) and I feel like I received a much better education than my siblings. We got into comparable schools with comparable scholarships and all work really hard. I think private school can be necessary depending on where you live (public schools are not great in downtown DC), but if there’s a great public school, I don’t see the point. Me agreeing with you doesn’t mean anything if you’re SO doesn’t agree though – like PP mentioned, I think it’s really important to get on the same page with some of these things. The funding needed for your SO’s ideas is a heck of a lot more than what you would need to raise kids the way you suggested. That could put off when you have kids, how many you have, if you even have them (maybe your SO will not feel financially ready knowing how much $$ all those things will cost). I would definitely be settled on some of these bigger things before getting married/having kids. Good luck talking to him OP!

Post # 12
Member
7068 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

annonymous243:  I think it’s ok to have an idea of how you want to raise your kids, but to say with certainty that you won’t do certain things….eh, life doesn’t always work that way. I do feel it’s pretty natural to parent one of two ways….how you were parented, or the total opposite if you feel you had bad experience.

Having been 14 when my sister was born, and being the only one in my circle who doesn’t have kids yet – it’s safe to say I definitely have my thoughts on how I want to parent. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, I’m a firm believer in being realistic with your parenting. Being a strict parent doesn’t have mean being restrictive. You can be strict in terms of behavior, manners, schoolwork, etc….but to shelter kids from the world is doing them a disservice. I’m not saying pump your kids full of happy meals – but use it as a learning experience to say “this food is a special treat because it’s not healthy for us – we only eat it every once in a while”. Every friend I had growing up that was sheltered a lot, had a really hard road as they got older.

Post # 13
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think if he is fine with not going to church then he shouldn’t have to. However, I don’t think it’s and if he wants to go either. He could take the demons from an educational approach. Will your children be given an option for attending as well? After all, they may decide they dont want to go either.

I think sheltering your children from too much like death can be an impediment to their development. No one said you have to introduce it in a negative way. You can build off of what death means. I prefer all the older children’s movies/shows that have deaths over the too censored recent shows/films.

School is in the air. I don’t think private is bad or public depending on the school. I went to both. In public, I found a lot of kids with behavioral issues and fights. In private, I found a lot of kids extremely sheltered and not prepared for the outside world. You can find a happy medium. Just research the schools.

Im probably bias. I agree with him on the fast food. I don’t want my children to have soda or fast food in the future. I what the meat is filled with and I’d rather see them eat better especially when developing.

I think paying for your own car and part of your tuition is helpful in teaching them responsibilities and work ethic. I was proud for paying off all my cars when I was young by myself. If I was well off, I would want to help with school but I can see having them contribute or like my friend…whose parents made her save ever since she was young for college.

Everyone has different opinions and styles though so you just have to talk it out and see if you can compromise.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My Darling Husband is convinced our future kids will be really good at sports and super smart. Everytime he says that I remind him we have zero control over that and what if they don’t even like sports. He’s also convinced he will be super strick and they will behave oR else. 

Hes never rally been around young kids or babies. I have two little cousins that are 11 and 15 years younger than me that I babysat all the time before I graduated so I at least got to see some of what parents go through with expectations versus reality when it comes to being a parent.   My aunt is super girly and wanted a daughter like her. My cousin is more of a tom boy and hates having her hair brushed and played with and wears sweats and gym shots a lot. 

Hell learn quickly about adjusting his idealized expectations. 

My husband was also convinced we could afford a brand new third car and all this other stuff even once we have a baby because daycare is tax deductible. I kinda burst his bubble when I showed him what the averae cost of daycare was. 

Post # 15
Member
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i went to public school for kindergarten and 1st grade.  then my parents bought a house and sent me to public school.  there was also money put away from grandparents for college so i didn’t pay a dime.  i did well in school, got a great job with a great paycheck. and my first car was also given to me. 

i am well adjusted and understand the value of money.  i don’t feel these things spoiled me at all.

 

i am due in april.  i’ve discussed parenting with Darling Husband.  i told him i would like to raise polite, respectful children who always say please and thank you. 

i would love to pay for my children’s education, but we will have to see how finances go.

i don’t eat any fastfood myself, so i would probably never bring my child to a fastfood restaurant.  if the kid was invited to a birthday party there, i guess that would be the exception.

 

The topic ‘SO and different opinions of raising kids’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors