(Closed) SO and different opinions of raising kids

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 18
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

1. While there are many reasons not to watch Disney movies (sexism is the first I can think of), I think it is very misguided to believe you can shield your children from death. Pets die, friends die, plants die, grandparents die, sometimes parents even die. I’d rather expose my child to the idea of death than have them not only distraught, but confused if I died.

2. Even though I identify as agnostic, my Fiance and I have decided that we will go to church as a family. I am not religious but I can see the value in religion for some people. We plan to be honest with our children about our differences in beliefs and the reasons why (ex. Mommy thinks Jesus taught some people some very valuable lessons, but doesn’t believe, like Daddy and other Christians, that he is the son of God.) I don’t think it is dishonest of me to go to a church.

3. Personally, I agree. I dont think any kid ever died from not eating fast food, but I also don’t think it is worth arguing over.

4. I think this is more of a case by case basis. To assume all private school kids go to better colleges or all public school kids are more grounded is also misguided.  

5. What about a compromise? They pay 50% of the cost or have a set dollar amount. That way they are working for it, but they also are completely burdened by the cost.

6. Once again, you can compromise. My brother and I both got cars for free (neither of them new). I am taking excellent car of my car and have paid for all of the matinence (including big ticket expenses, like a new catalytic converter and ball joints) and gas, although my grandfather first and now my mom pay my insurance. My brother asked our parents every time his car needed anything and ultimately got into a car accident. I don’t think the fact that our cars were free influenced how we took care of them.

Post # 19
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

The idea of keeping them away from death is preposterous. You just can’t! 

My parents used to attend church as agnostics with me and my brother; it was a community thing in the village and very few people actually seriously held the faith. The vicar taught us universal values of kindness and he facilitated friendships and community… Though I have no faith, I valued the time I spent there and believed in the lessons. It never occurred to me that Christians would resent my attendance…

Post # 21
Member
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

annonymous243:  

  1. Your first point is utterly ridiculousness. I think he will probably change his tune once you have a kid. I’m all for not exposing your kids to stuff before they are too early, and I don’t see my children watching a whole lot of television in their childhood, but Disney movies? Come on.
  2. I think the religion thing may be your biggest dealbreaker. It’s fine that you believe in one thing and that he doesn’t, but when it comes to weekly services and raising your children with certain idealogies, I think this is where problems will come up. Darling Husband and I do not attend church and he is athiest/agnostic at best. I am spiritual: I was raised a strict Catholic and my children will be baptized, but I do not like many of the teachings from church or how they push certain views on you. I couldn’t be with Darling Husband if he wanted to attend church every week and wanted our kids to do so as well.
  3. My kids won’t be eating fast food very often, either, so… I can understand “not all the time” but never is kind of ridiculous. Once in a blue moon? Sure, have at it, but saying absolutely not, never, is a little extreme and idealistic.
  4. If I had the opportunity to send my child to a private school, I would. So, again, I can kind of agree with your SO. You may have had an awesome experience in public school. I, on the other hand, did not. And on the flip side, I know dozens of kids who went to private school who LOVED it, so I think your argument is totally situational.
  5. To me, this is the most ridiculous point in this whole post. Firstly, how a child will do whether paying for school on their own or having their parents pay for them is solely based on the child. I didn’t have the benefit of having my parents pay for me and I had to work 40 hours a week while I was in school and I’m still swimming in debt–why put that on your child if you’re in a position to help? I didn’t get to attend any school games or be in any clubs because all of the free time I wasn’t studying, I was working so that I didn’t have to take out mountains of school loans–which I had to do anyways. I, again, agree with your SO in this regards. If a parent can pay for their child’s tuition, or at least help out, they definitely should.
  6. My parents bought my first car for me and helped out with insurance, but I paid for the gas and the work that needed to be done on it. I again agree with your SO. If you have the opportunity to do so, why not help your child purchase their first car. I never took it for granted or acted as if I was owed anything, but had my parents not done that for me, I don’t think I would have been able to afford a car until well after college. And then when I was, I was able to trade it in and use that money plus a downpayment to get myself a great car.

All in all, I kind of agree with your SO on a lot of points, besides the Disney lunacy, obviously.

Post # 22
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly, I think it’s a little silly to be discussing/arguing about Disney movies and Happy Meals for future hypothetical who-knows-if/when-we-will-have-them children. Is that really something that needs to be figured out now? No. And I guarantee you will both probably change your minds on the little issues once you have kids (he’ll have to pick them up after dance class and feed them dinner because you’re working late and I bet he’ll opt for that happy meal over cooking a healthy dinner… maybe you’ll dislike the naratives and suggestions behind the new Disney movies that come out and decide you don’t want your children watching them, something easily figured out when the time comes). The paying for everything vs not is also something that will depend on your financial situations at that time. Maybe you’ll lose your job and couldn’t afford private school. Maybe your kids will be geniuses and get full scholarship to college. It’s great to save/plan as soon as possible for these things but I really don’t think you need to be deciding now if you’ll gift your supposed/future/hypothetical 16 year old a car or not. The religion one – you know how you want to raise them, that’s great. As far as him coming or not, maybe he’ll really enjoy being with his family during that time? Why not let him go? Maybe you’ll appreciate the help lugging the kiddos back and forth from the church parking lot?

I dunno, it’s great to have general discussions on how you plan to raise your children but I think a lot of this is a day-by-day, case-by-case scenario that you don’t even have to worry about now.

Post # 23
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I’m a Christian, and I believe anyone should be welcomed into any kind of church, at any time, and for any reason. I belong to a very open church in the inner city, and curious people come in and out of our church every Sunday morning. Some people just come for the coffee. I don’t have a problem with that. We adhere to the theology that while taking communion is only for believers, our community is for everyone. I disagree that attending services would not be true to oneself if not religious. Part of authenticity means that you are always learning and growing. Perhaps it would teach your children that people who disagree can coexist in harmony.

Just wanted to throw in my perspective…

About the Happy Meals… I joked the other day with Fiance that, after we have kids, I know he will be taking them through McDonald’s whenever I work late or am away from home. I’m very health-conscious, but if you tell kids (or people, really) that anything is evil or forbidden, they just want it more. So I’m an advocate of moderate/occasional fast food and sweets (for myself and future kids).

Post # 24
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

You have very legitimate concerns about this.  Some of these ate going to be a huge deal in your relationship down the line. The religion thing especially.  The way you worded this makes it seem as though you have no respect for each others belief systems (or lack thereof).  If he as a non-religious person thinks that letting his children grow up bring indoctrinated into a certain religion will not bother him, he’s in denial.  Also for you, it seems like you hold a great amount of resentment towards your SO for not caring about something that is clearly very important to you.  It might not seem like a huge deal to you now because you can just avoid the religion issue or pretend it doesn’t bother you, but when you have children and have to really face the issue, it will become a huge deal.  There’s a reason why many people choose to marry within their own religion- there is not a lot of room to compromise with many people.  This sounds like it could be a deal breaker for you.

Post # 25
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

There are a few compromises that would work, so long as he’s willing to compromise.

For example, during community college my parents paid me for the grades that I recieved. An A was worth 120% of the cost for the class, a B was worth 100%, a C was worth 50% and anything else they weren’t paying for.

Personally, I think the way Disney presents death in some of the movies is a great way to present the concept to kids, and on top of that they don’t learn that other people(even the people in the movie) are capable of having feelings until they are about 4(Theory of Mind). It’s not going to traumatize them IMO.  Maybe take it on a case-to-case basis, and both watch the movie beforehand? 

Post # 26
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

annonymous243:  

Ah yes. Mocking is definitely not on; he can’t undermine you in front of your children… shouldn’t do it at all really. 🙁

Post # 27
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

sumshine.dawn:  i would be lost without Disney! 

Post # 28
Member
3185 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Yipeebee:  Disney is like my saving grace I’m legit watching the little mermaid. This is my  5th time watching it this week. It’d my go to when I’m sick movie.

Post # 29
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not even planning on having kids, but In My Humble Opinion I would never try to plan out how to parent. Your kid could have a difficult personality, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, and an endless list of things that would make your “perfect” plan imperfect.

HOWEVER… 

It’s also really important to be on the same page about parenting style. My parents were opposite spectrums (dad was more strict and wanted us to be independent, mom was lenient and too coddling) and it’s very confusing to kids and really can cause huge arguments and strain your marriage. 

That probably sounds like conflicting advice  lol.. hopefully someone picked up what I’m trying to convey… 

Post # 30
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Pretty much all of this is wishful thinking, especially the assumption that you’re going to happily foot the bill for private school, college tuition and a car each for however many children you have. Unless he’s a secret heir to the Coca Cola fortune or something, nothing in life is guaranteed, especially wealth.   

“doesn’t want our kids exposed to a dying loved one until old enough” I’m sorry but that is something he has absolutely zero control over. God forbid there is an accident or a terminal diagnosis in your family or friend circle, or a sudden death, before your kid is “old enough”–is he just going to pretend it isn’t happening? Refuse to talk about it? Media content-wise Disney is pretty guaranteed age-appropriate, if not sugar-coated, dark content. A lot of kids totally eat it up–think of how many kid’s stories have a little element of horror in them that accesses that kind of feral weirdness in childood. That’s fine if he doesn’t want them watching Disney movies, but his reasoning is totally unrealistic.

The happy meal thing…lol. That’s fine to try to ensure your children are eating as healthy as possible, but I’m not sure how he’s going to monitor every item of food that passes their lips until age 16. 

And if he insists on attending church with you then he can shut the fuck up about it and keep his disrespectful jokes to himself. That’s incredibly awful. You’re going there to pray, not to give him fresh material for his amateur comedy routine. I’m an atheist with a Christian SO, we attend church together, and I manage not to mock his beliefs or his identity as a believer. That’s a red flag to me honestly–you sure you want to have kids with this guy?

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