(Closed) SO and different opinions of raising kids

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 31
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I just want to say that jsut because someone’s parents pay for their college or their first car does NOT mean they are ungrateful or don’t know how lucky they are.  They will not automatically become spoiled brats, and I think it’s judgmental for you to insinuate they will.  Being a spoiled brat has to do with the way your parents raised you, not the fact that they provided you with things.  If they teach you to be ungrateful and not recognize something’s worth and value, then that’s their problem.  My parents paid for my college and my first car, and I graduated college with a 3.9 GPA because I understood how important my education was and how lucky I was that my parents were in the position to pay for it.  Same with the car.  I know how lucky I am, and I really take care of my car.  It’s a 2007 Honda Civic with 140,000 miles on it, and not a single person believes me when I tell them how old it is because it looks like new and runs like new.  Just my $0.02.

Post # 32
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

annonymous243:  I think you are getting ahead of yourself. You can talk about all these issues but things are much different when you actually have kids. 

Post # 33
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

1. Hmmm…? Disney movies end in death? They usually end in marriage from what I have seen, but I’m not up on everything. This one is a whatever to me– they’re going to watch whatever they’re going to watch once the are old enough anyway (it will just be at someone else’s house).

2. Churches are, and should be, open to everyone. If he wants to sit with you, what a beautiful impulse that is. Don’t shut it down. 

3. Again, this is dumb. 

4 & 5. Cross this bridge when you come to it. What if the public school in your area is great? What if it sucks? What if you can afford to pay for their college? What if you can’t? I just wouldn’t stress about this.

6. Same as 4 & 5, basically. This is at least 17 years down the road. Seriously, don’t stress about this now.

I think the biggest problem is not these minor issues (except #2), but your husband’s desire to control these details of his kids’ lives. You don’t own your kids. You don’t control your future 100%. Do your best, raise them with love and care, try to have them be healthy & debt-free & responsible & happy, and don’t micromanage the whole process before you’ve even begun it. 

Post # 34
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

britbrith:  I agree that some of these things are really trivial and could be compromised on later, but I’m really concerned OP is ignoring the signs on the religion thing.  That is a BIG DEAL and should definitely be decided and agreed upon before marriage and kids actually take place. I think OP will regret wasting her time with a guy who will ultimately be incompatible with her.

Post # 35
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I think that a lot of people have all these ideas of how they want to raise their kids, but once they actually have them reality sets in a little bit and these ideas are tweaked or even completely forgotten. I, personally, don’t have children yet but of course I have ideas of how I want to raise them – as does my Fiance. Fortunately, we seem to have similar ideas on what we would like or would not like to do, but I am completely expecting our ideas to change once we actually have kids.

In saying that, however, I think that some of your SO’s ideas are a little unrealistic – whilst I get what he’s saying about the Disney films, I think hiding death from your kids is not a great thing. Like PP’s have said, what if a relative passes away before he deems your child “old enough” to understand or deal with it? My Future Father-In-Law passed away earlier this year and my Future Sister-In-Law sat her 2 year old down to try and explain that we wouldn’t be able to see grandad anymore because he kept asking where he was and all these questions about death. Kids are amazingly perceptive, so they will pick up on what is going on even if you don’t think they’re “old enough”.

Post # 36
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

olivejd:  

“I’m a Christian, and I believe anyone should be welcomed into any kind of church, at any time, and for any reason…”

Agree with everything you said — that’s what I wanted to say but was too lazy to write out. 

Post # 37
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Your SO has this “Ivory Tower of Parenting” made up in his head, and much of it is unrealistic. It will likely unravel once you guys finally have kids and realize what is really important.

Also, if you can afford paying for their first car and college, that’s great! My dad did that for me, and I appreciate it very much. I never slacked off in college, and now I have a great career. I still thank him every chance that I get. If you can’t afford it, that’s OK too. I know plenty of successful people who paid their own way.

Post # 38
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m not a parent yet – so you can take this with a grain of salt… but as I’ve gotten to the age of being able to have my own children, my parents have emphasized over and over to me and my brothers (one of which is a parent) how important it is that both parents be on the same page when it comes to parenting.  It can be so divisive in a marriage to have one parents wanting to do one thing and the other wanting to do something else.  Kids are smart, and will capitalize on the difference.  Ultimately I think you already know that you’re going to have to have to talk some more about where you’re both coming from.  People generally tend to want to parent the way they were raised.  Have you guys had any discussions about discipline? That can also be a contentious topic when it comes to parenting.  It’s super important that you feel comfortable that you guys can come to a mutually agreed upon solution for everything and be a team.  Good luck!

Post # 39
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

annonymous243:  I think a lot of these things are likely issues that you can find happy compromises to.  Mostly, it looks like your husband has very particular ideas about parenting, and often those do change when reality sets in.  

Regarding Disney – I kind of get his point – we think that Disney is ok for all kids because it’s Disney but some of the movies are quite dark, violent and often sexist.  Perhaps a good compromise here would be to avoid this in the toddler and pre-school years, but show the movies once your children are old enough to discuss the more disturbing scenes.  While they can be dark and violent, they are also fabulous stories and frank discussions about death and dying can be really helpful for children.

Regarding Religion – I can see both of your points here but I believe that we all doubt religion to some varying degree and a great number of religious scholars state that on our own, we do not have the capacity to believe.  Even the most devout people doubt God or religion.  If he is willing to go to church in order to support you and your family, I think that is as good a reason as any.  I saw your post about how he mocks the religious messages after the fact though and that is in no way ok.  If he wants to discuss his take on things in a respectful way, that should be ok though.

No Happy Meals – in theory I totally agree, but in practice it’ll probably look like “occasional junk food is ok when it suits the convenience of parents in a time crunch or is a special treat for the child” for me.

Private School / Public School – What about agreeing to tour both types of schools when it is time and make a decision based on which school is best for your child rather than assuming that one or the other will be better ahead of time.

Paying for College – A friend of mine had parents who said they would happily pay for their daughter to go to a state school, or give her that amount of money toward a private school.  Anything over and above state school tuition was on her.  I like that.  That being said, since you’ve stated he’s for private school and paying for college and paying for their first car, it might be that you guys are quite wealthy.  If you are, sure, paying for these things certainly won’t hurt your children as long as it doesn’t hurt your own finances.

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