Post # 1
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
My “manfriend” and I are not yet engaged, but we talk about it often. One conversation we always get hung up on (then quickly change the subject) is how we’d pay for our wedding. In fact, it’s probably the primary reason we’re not yet engaged. To him, engagement = wedding = $$$.
I get it, I really do. BUT, I’m also fully aware (and so is he) that my parents are planning on willingly paying for the majority, if not all, of our wedding. I’m very fortunate in that way as it’s something they’ve always told me growing up. I knew it’d be taken care of and it’s REALLY amazing of them to do and I’m HUGELY grateful. But here’s the bigger issue: SO doesn’t like the idea of someone else spending so much money on us. Specifically because he knows how much they paid for my sister’s wedding, and that marriage went south (though they are now reconciled, thank God!). That part really bothers him.
He’s very logical when it comes to money, and while I sort of understand him not wanting to accept handouts, I’m half of the equation, and I’m not thrilled about the idea of spending thousands of dollars of my money strictly because I’m not willing to accept help. I’m really, really not trying to sound like a brat, I just don’t know how else to explain the situation. Like I said, my parents have told me over and over that it’d be taken care of. I never thought that would present an issue for the person I’m hoping to marry.
So my question is this: how do I meet him halfway about something like this, or how can I satisfy his pride while still accepting the help that my family is so kindly offering? I want to discuss this with SO in a level-headed, reasonable way, but whenever I start to talk about it with him, my words come out way differently than I plan. Help! TIA!
Post # 2
Member
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
I had a sililar situation…Long story short, “It is kinda like a “rite of passage” for my parents. They were gifted a wedding from their parents and they are continuing the tradition by paying for/hosting ours. They have been looking forward to this and preparing for this my entire life. We are not getting off scott free. We will be paying for our children’s wedding to continue the tradition.” There was more said but it was more situation specific to us. Basically its not a handout but rather something parents look forward to doing.
Post # 3
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
I told my parents to stick it in a bank account for their future grandkids’ education (and that put them into a happy tizzy), and I told my Fiance I’m 100% onboard doing it ourselves but will not be wanting to spend $$$ from our fairly young savings account for one day of our lives. He picked, and being fairly logical about money, we’re now doing a small wedding 🙂
Post # 4
Member
9389 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
klr4589 : what if you agree with him that he/his side pays for all the things the grooms side traditionally pay for (varies by region but i think commonly: rehearsal dinner, cake, and your ring.) and you/your side pays for all the things the brides’ side traditionally pays for.
Post # 5
Member
6840 posts
Busy Beekeeper
klr4589 : Why don’t your parents gift you that money for whatever you choose – college savings, house, wedding, etc. Then spend your own money on your wedding. I think you may need to knock down your wedding expectations in general as well – sounds like he’s not going to be into spending thousands and thousands either way, to be honest. He probably wants to spend his cash on things he sees as more practical. Have you two discussed a wedding budget in general?
In my case, my parents have been working hard and saving up for years. They gift me the allowable amount each year but ask if my husband is okay with it every single time. They don’t want to step on his toes or make him feel lesser because they have this opportunity. I believe this gift will keep happening until they have gifted us as much as they did my sister for her house. If he felt insecure about it, however, they’d find some other way to acknowledge us out of respect. His parents, alternatively, send us a 20 in the mail once in awhile – they’ve got a lot more children to lend a hand to, so it’s just a “thinking of you” really.
As far as the wedding went, we wanted to pay our own way, so my parents contributed drinks only and his bought brunch the next day. Neither spent more than a couple of hundred. Again it was a “thinking of you” not a “we will take care of you,” and we could all feel good about that.
Start compromising now – that’s what being married is all about!
Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
skunktastic : Thanks! All due respect, I don’t have any grand expectations. I’d really like something small and intimate, so that’s not really the issue. You are totally right with the rest of your advice, though! Compromise is HUGE and I need to start early.
amanda1988 : That’s a great idea!
weddingventing : I want a small wedding as well! I think that if I make that clear to him, he’ll feel better. I tend to have expensive taste in other situations, but I’m really just wanting something small and tasteful. 🙂 I don’t know if my parents have a set amount in mind, so that’s tough. But definitely worth figuring out!
Lokie85 : Great point. Sometimes it’s all about perspective and the way we approach and verbalize things. This absolutely helps with figuring out how to approach the bigger conversation!
Post # 7
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
I agree with the comments above just talk everything out so you both have a clear idea of what ou want and a budget.
My Fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves for the fact that we didn’t want to ask anyone for help because that in itself can get messy with the i did this or i did that comments… My mom has offered to pay for certain parts of the weeding and we have told her yes.. so maybe that could be the compromise having them “gift” certain things.
Hope this helps 🙂
Post # 8
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
jessikarubi : Thanks for your input! I love hearing all the different ideas 🙂