(Closed) SO and I planned to move in together, but now I don't want to…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Living together or not is a personal decision that ONLY the 2 of you can make… because it is different to each and every couple, and each and every circumstance.

Personally… I would never marry a man without having lived with him… or having sex with him because these are MAJOR ELEMENTS to determining in the modern world we live in… how successful the Marriage will be in the long term.

(How he deals with my career… how we share chores… how we share money… and sexual compatibility and our sexual satisfaction)

My first marriage, we began living together when we were engaged… and within 6 months of our Wedding Date.

This time round… Mr TTR and I dated for years… and progressed to living together as Legal Common Law Couple (Canada’s equivalent to being married) before we decided to take the full leap to married (which would put us on par with marriage in other countries, and be legally recognized while travelling abroad etc.)

The one thing I would say for your situation is based on some of the posts I’ve seen on WBee in recent months… is you might want to check in with your Church / Pastor if you are at all relgious, and hoping for a church wedding.

There seems to be quite a few Brides who have discovered that being engaged, living together, and planning a marriage has been “problematic” to having a church wedding.

Several Pastors not being willing to marry the couple as they were “living in sin”… or insisting that the couple seperate for the remainder of the Engagement period.

Something to think about… take into consideration.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 4
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@mcarey2:  Well, I would tell him sooner rather than later so he doesn’t keep his hopes up.

Could you have a smaller wedding and get married right away?

I assume you’re religious and that’s why you’re saving yourselves for marriage. I guess I find that concept a bit difficult to understand… like I would not want to be away from my SO for 2 years.. that would suck, so I would probably just move in together and do the deed lol, bad as that sounds. I’d be afraid to marry someone I hadn’t slept with, but I guess the waiting for marriage thing does work for some couples so if it’s important to you, you should stick to your guns.

Two years isn’t *that* long, but in some ways it is. Hard to know what to do. Don’t do anything that is making you uncomfortable, though.. and make sure that whatever you do, you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Post # 5
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

@mcarey2:  I don’t think you should move in together before youre married if you don’t plan on having sex before you’re married. Just my two cents

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

We live together and I’m so glad we chose to: you learn SO much about your partner that you wouldn’t know otherwise. Good, bad and ugly. I’d give some thought to his idea. There are alot of growing pains that happen when you start living with someone and if it were me I’d want those to not put a damper on our newly-wedded bliss.

 

But, if you are dead set against living together to avoid the sexual temptation, I would just be very frank with him about it.

Post # 7
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Fiance and I live together and we love it (most of the time). It’s a great learning experience because if I hadn’t lived with Fiance before our upcoming wedding, I don’t think I would last long after we get married. Mainly because he has a lot of random habits that I previously didn’t know about and knowing after the wedding would have been stressful. And this is coming from someone who saw her Fiance almost every day and spent a lot of time with him before moving in together.

As for the temptation, I go through it too, but for me I feel it has gotten easier over time. I thought it would be the opposite.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I see the problem, it would be so nice to be together all the time, but if your waiting for marriage I can see that problem.  I’d just talk to him about it.  Maybe put it off for a year. 

Post # 9
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would suggest having sex before marriage. I’m sure your religion is against it but going into a marriage without having sex is insane to me. Once you have sex, your relationship is totally different. 

That being said, maybe you can look into a two bedroom situation? You could keep a guest bed in the second room so if things are getting too “hot and heavy” you could move to the second room and cool down. You guys could even sleep separately!

Do you sleep together now? Are you able to resist temptation now? Then I don’t see why you can’t do it for another two years. The days go slow but the years go fast. 

Post # 10
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@mcarey2:  I think you should talk to him about your thoughts. Let him know that while the idea of moving in together is exciting (if it is exciting; I don’t want to put words in your mouth), you’re worried it could wind up compromising the values you both hold dear. This is a decision only the two of you can make and I hope you can come up with a solution or compromise.

Post # 12
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I know you posted your decision, but i want to agree: don’t marry a man before you move in with him. You’re absolutely right to move in once you get engaged. I know you’re worried about sleeping together, but honestly, if you’re engaged, you’re practically married anyway. (Sorry, don’t want to offend you. It’s just how I see it.) The bottom line is live with him, though. See what little annoying habits he has and how easy they are to live with. Have you ever tried living with a friend for a long time? It either strengthens the friendship or ruins it. You want to be sure he’s a strengthener 🙂

Post # 13
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think it’s about will will power. been with the Fiance for almost 5 yrs. We started living together at a couple months in. Him and I didn’t sleep together for a while, and it was a personal choice, I had had sex with people before him, and decided that I really wanted to wait before doing it with him. I wasn’t tempted, and I love sex. I really do. Hate to be blunt. But as much as I love it, and love it with my Fiance, we are so busy that rather cuddle or nap together than have sex.

 

i strongly believe living together is good before getting married. My best friend sleeps now in a separate room from her boyfriend in order to keep to her faith but they continue living together. she realized snots isn’t want to sleep with him anymore which is much harder than staying a virgin…trust me. 

All in all, this is a choice you should make with him. These are just suggestions and options in case you do. 

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