(Closed) SO and online flirtation.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have a story for you, but I’m gonna PM you with it

Post # 4
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am a jealous insecure cow so I’d be making a massive deal out of it. Not one of my finer qualities, but for me that’s a gateway to cheating.

 

If it was just regular online porn or something I have no issues with that – but when any kind of personal communication is involved I see that as taking a ‘step’.

 

Sorry this is happening to you. I broke up with Fiance over something similar a year ago – we got it sorted but I still felt like I had to cyber/mobile stalk him for a while to put my mind at ease. Psycho I know, but that’s who I am and really he shouldn’t have ever put us there.

Post # 5
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think his intial conversation to her was harmless, but maybe you asking about it and making him feel like its  some type of forbidden fruit has escalated his interest. This is just my opinion from your post. I dont think he needed to block her.

Post # 7
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry this is happening. :/  Bring up the fact that you think something may be going on… you said you share a laptop, I don’t think it’d be too weird if you mentioned you checked history and saw he was spending a lot of time searching for this girl. Ask him why. It’s a honest question, also it may not hurt to mention again how you were up front with him about the situation from work a while back and that you simply want the same honesty from him. It sounds difficult but that’s what I would do if my Darling Husband and I were ever in that situation. ask point blank. 🙁 

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

the only way you’ll feel better is if you tell him what you’ve found. yes, snooping sucks but if you share a laptop you’ve got more of an out? “okay, your search popped up and I saw you googled this girl, then I got curious and saw you’d saved her picture– what’s that all about?”

to be fair to him, it could be innocent.  I get bored and beebop around online all the time, searching for info on people– it makes me feel like a private investigator. (nerdy, I know!) if someone said “let’s grab drinks!” I’d be like “yeah, maybe!” but I also tweet all the time about my Fiance so I’d agree in an “I don’t want to make this awkward” way.  that said, I’ve got absolutely no explanation for saving the picture… not to make you upset but that seems like he’d save it so he could recognize her in a bar.

Post # 9
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I had something similar happen to me once. I was visiting my boyfriend at the time (we were in a LDR, but saw each other every weekend), and I had to use his computer. I saw a story I wanted to send a work colleague, but accidentally closed the browser. I opened up the history just long enough to find my link and get it sent. Unfortunately, I saw that the URL right above it was for Adult Friend Finder. I am in no way a snooper, but man, that set off alarm bells. I clicked to show the full history for the site because I figured that if he was posting to adult personals, my health could be at risk.

I found that he was mostly lurking, but he did contact a woman whose username indicated she was a law student. That was a particularly sore spot with us since he always thought I should go to law school. It hurt. He was in the shower, but I shut everything down and started packing my bag. He did stop me and admit to talking to her, but swore it was just talking. I stayed, but slept in the guest bedroom. It was a tough time. I can’t really say why I stayed with him after that since he never really gave me a particular reason not to trust him, but it still bothered me that he was seeking out a personal connection instead of standard porn.

We did eventually break up, but we’re friends today. We never discussed that issue again, but I think you have a right to raise some questions over it. There’s flirting a bit, but when they want to make a personal connection, it takes it into questionable territory in my opinion.

Post # 10
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LibertyBelle:  I feel the same – it’s that personal bit that makes it feel like a gateway to something else. I have no problem with him looking at random strangeness but the personal connection gets me. Why do you need that?

 

It could be something OP, but it also doesn’t mean the end either – Fiance and I have come so far and been through so much stupid crap because he was trying to find/create reasons for things not to work with us (that’s what he was used to from previous relationships). We’ve gotten past that and are in the best stage of our relationship now. Without making a foregone conclusion you are perfectly within your right and best interest to ask about it, without having the situation being deflected back to how you came by the information in the first place.

 

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m leaning on the fence of “forbidden fruit,” as PP have noted. I think he was innocently talking to her, but then after you approached him about it and he said he would block her, he started getting more interested.

At this point, for your sanity, I would admit to snooping, ask for forgiveness, and then let it go.

Post # 12
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think it could be him just stroking his ego. He obviously didn’t set out looking for it and I think that’s important, but after being in a relationship it probably felt good for him to get some attention. He probably looked her up out of curiosity and not much more. Maybe he got some rush out of this Internet flirtation and realized it was silly after you brought it up and wanted to stop it so he blocked her. Guys have a hard time saying no to attention IMO and it was probably just that the attention made him feel good and I believe there weren’t any real intentions. If he were really trying to deceit you he would have erased his history.

I completely understand you being bothered, I would have freaked out too but then secretly kind of understanding what he was doing…..

Talk to him about it more maybe.

Post # 13
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ohmybears48:   I disagree. OP doesn’t need to be on the defensive. I believe snooping is ok if you have a legit reason to do so, which she did. OP, just ask what’s going on and hear him out. I’d be furious and flip my shit, but hopefully you can remain calm. Let us know how it goes.

Post # 14
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’d let him block her just so nothing happens.  It’s weird what can happen when two people are behind computers. .. sometimes it doesn’t seem real.

My ex-husband started joining all the AOL chatrooms when they were new years ago.  Then he was hiding his computer screen if I walked into the room.  Then he wouldn’t let me see what he was doing on Facebook.  Turns out he was talking to other women and things got out of hand.  It was one of the major reasons we divorced.   

Post # 15
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@redheadem:  Politefully disagree. He said he had blocked her and that should have been the end of it. She admits that she snopped because she was curious.

Post # 16
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ohmybears48:   No, he said he would but he did not block her. He did all this stuff after he said he would. Therefore, he’s in the wrong for what he did and for lying. This isn’t about snooping, which, again, I think is fine if you have a bad gut feeling.

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