(Closed) SO and porn? How do you deal with it? (long)

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My first reaction was the watching porn is totally different than making love to your wife as your Fiance said. You don’t have to worry about her needs etc… You said he’s under a lot of stress maybe he watches stress to relieve tension.

I think your on the right path by having open dialogue with FH about how you feel…don’t stop!

Just a question for clarity are you angry with him for watching porn at all or for watching porn instead of making love to you?

Post # 4
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is a rough thing to deal with, and honestly, I haven’t worked out my own thoughts about it completely. What sticks out to me about your story is that YOU aren’t having your needs met, while his are. In that sense I would say that porn is partially responsible for depriving you of your sexual gratification, and that’s not OK. I would definitely talk to him about it again and explain how you feel after you’ve cooled off a bit.

Post # 5
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I am ok with my husband watching porn because it is completely different from making love.

BUT my husband also tries to have sex with me almost every day! I usually have to turn him down!

I was very worried reading your post. I would be hurt too, I would be just as furious. I think there needs to be a HUGE talk!

I think what hes doing is not being considerate of your feelings at all. theres no exscuse for his behavious in my opinion.

but everyone has their different views on porn i guess.

*sigh* i feel for you honey

Post # 6
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Minutiae- You wrapped it up perfectly.

Post # 7
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand both sides.  I don’t have a problem with porn at all, and I know what he means–even when my bf and I try to have a “quickie” it turns into at least a half hour, whereas we each could have done our own thing and have been done in 10 minutes.  And watching porn and jacking off for a guy is lot easier than having sex for 10 minutes.  I would cut him some slack because it does seem like he’s really stressed out.  Definitely keep the communication channels open though… still talk to him about it, but this doesn’t really seem like a trust issue. Maybe you could try masturbating too! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Porn is not the equivalent of having sex. Porn is stress free and not really interactive. You can watch it when you’re tired, stressed, or whatever. It’s completely not an emotional thing. His watching porn and the fact that you don’t have sex as often as you like may not be directly related.

In fact, instead of looking at is a bad thing, see the good thing — he is actually interested in something sexual and can be aroused! For some people, their SO just really doesn’t enjoy sex/have any sex drive.

You should talk to your H about how you feel. While he may have a lot of reasons why sex may not be at the top of his list, you guys both need to be happy with your sex life. I once saw a therapist on Oprah who suggested setting “dates” for sex. At first, it seems like a really awkward idea, but she explained that 1.) the more you do it the more you WANT to do it, and 2.) sometimes life makes it hectic to make that a priority. Maybe you and your H can try something like that for a month and see how it goes?

Post # 10
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think there’s an underlying issue to “just” the porn. That aside, you guys have underlying problems. Perhaps seeing a sex therapist or something like that would help you get in tune to each other a little more? He says you’re demanding in bed, hard to please, it takes too much time, etc etc….maybe one or both of you have unrealistic expectations (particularly in relation to each other).

However, one thing I can understand that I think most people don’t is that the whole “no sex in our relationship” sort of turns down the flame ultimately….I feel like that sometimes. Out of sight, out of mind, so I can sort of understand. But it was definitely a temporary thing.

Is watching it together or discussion certain types of middle ground sex an alternative? i don’t know any guy that isn’t in for a quickie! Maybe he’d secretly like something but is embarassed to let you know? Porn is probably a “quickie” way for him to relieve himself but completely without emotion…sometimes that’s the thrill? Not sure. I can totally get your qualms with it–it’s one thing if both partners are satisfied and you’re both ok with porn being an extra in your relationship, but i wouldn’t be happy with it if both of our needs weren’t being fulfilled in the actual physical part of our relationship

Post # 11
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

To be blunt, I think he’s being selfish.  And if I was in your position and he told me that I’m demanding and hard to please I’d attribute it to the easy perfect women he’s watching “act” in the porn.  That because I have needs and respond to him in an interpersonal way is to much he would take the selfish and easy way out of getting his pleasure from a woman other than me.

What flags I’m getting are that

  • he called you demanding and hard to please
  • he schedules your “dates” ahead of time 
  • the rest of the time he secretly is watching porn
  • he’s stressed and turning to another woman and not his wife

🙁 It’s a tough position your in and I’ll def. send positive vibes your way!

Post # 12
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

There’s a lot of good advice in here. I have no experience in this as we’re “waiting” to be married and we’re both actually still virgins… but that’s what i got out of it…

Post # 13
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The above poster said everything I am feeling. I dont think its fair for some people to tell you to just write this off, there is a definite problem here that needs to be adressed.

 

Post # 14
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

This is a very tough situation. First of all, the most important thing is: how do YOU feel about him watching porn? I know that in my relationship with Corey, I have been very explicit in telling him that I am in no way okay with it. We’ve had (many) discussions about it and we’re finally on the same page. It makes me feel degraded and I’m not okay with him watching it. However, some people are perfectly fine with their SO watching porn, and that’s great too. But you need to know if it’s the just the lack of sex that’s bothering you or if you don’t like him watching porn at all. 

It sounds to me like you need to have a serious discussion with him and explain to him how you’re feeling. Honestly, it doesn’t make sense to me that he says sex takes too long but at the same time he wants to watch porn because it’s quicker and isn’t into quickies. Why not? I know you mentioned he things sex should be emotional and romantic, but trust me, quickies can be both of those if you do it right!!! I think you need to explain to him that it hurts you that he’s seemingly not interested in sex with you but he’d rather satisfy his needs through porn. The key to all of this situation is communication, and like crebre mentioned, there may be some underlying problems that you guys should see a sex therapist or something about. 

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!! Like I (and everyone else) have said, the absolute most important thing is talking to him about how you feel! He NEEDS to be willing to communicate with you about this!

Post # 15
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m totally okay with Fiance watching porn because it does not negatively affect our relationship and we are very open about talking about it (what he watches/how often/why etc).  However, the one thing I have always stressed to him is that I would be very upset if he were hiding it from me or uncomfortable talking about it with me.    I think a big part of your issue is that there is a ‘sneaky’ aspect to his porn watching.  It may be that before marriage, porn was a way for him to deal with his sexual needs and he doesn’t know how to bring that part of himself into the marriage.  You two need to find a way to be comfortable with each other’s sexual needs and desires be that through seeing a sex therapist, mutual experimentation, more communication, etc..  I do believe that sex is a very important part of being in a relationship, and you two need to be on the same page in order to be in a healthy relationship. 

Post # 16
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i am with bamm –

i am okay with porn as long as hes open about it. my thing is that i want to know if i am not meeting his needs. sometimes im tired, sometimes hes tired, and sometimes porn just helps when one or the other isnt in the mood.

i would be less concerned about the porn and more concerned about the lying.

sit down with him and be honest. part of marriage is being able to be open about each other’s sexual needs. and that means being able to discuss things free of judgement and with an open mind – on both parts.

be honest with what you want talk to him and reach a compromise. communication is the key here.

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