(Closed) SO and porn? How do you deal with it? (long)

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Marie Gabrielle

I definitely think you should see a marriage counselor that specializes in sexual issues.

Now please take this with a grain of salt; I have strong opinions about this but I really hope my advice is helpful and not annoying or hurtful…

I was in a serious relationship with someone with very serious sexual addiction issues.  For a long time, our sex life suffered and it was always my fault – I “asked too much” I was “too demanding” – things that were just ludicrous.  He also said things like he was too tired, too busy, etc.  However, he masturbated constantly and watched a ton of online porn.  I knew a bit about the porn, but not how MUCH of it there was.

Because of the recovery process I went through after dumping him, I learned a lot about sex, porn, and relationships.  Porn is definitely different than sex with your partner – THAT’S THE ISSUE.  The person with the “porn attachment” evolves to the point that they prefer porn to the real thing because they can find “relief” without dealing with connecting to another person.  For many people, porn is around their sex life, but it’s really not a big deal and it does NOT affect how they connect to their life partner.  For others, porn becomes a coping mechanism to deal with the stresses of life, which is SO destructive.  It essentially kills the sex life with their partner because relational sex requires them to FEEL – the one thing they DON’T want to do.  It’s exactly like people who take drugs to zone out from their real life.

I spent many years in utter confusion over why my boyfriend HAD to watch porn every day and why our sex life was so ridiculously difficult.  I thought it was all my fault.  I really wish we would have seen a counselor early on who could have explained to us what my boyfriend’s problem was.  It would have avoided so many years of being totally CONFUSED and perhaps my boyfriend could have confronted his issues before they grew to be bad enough that I broke up with him.

I do hope that he is listening to YOU as much as you are listening to him.  It sounds like he doesn’t understand what’s going on with him either and it does sound like you guys need a little professional guidance.  It can’t hurt, and it might help you both a whole lot!

Post # 33
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I had the same problem with my Fiance when we first moved in together. The porn thing highly upset me, so we had a long discussion about it. I felt like I was not good enough for him. Over the past few years though, i think that porn may have affected our relationship in a good way. He now asks me to try new things. Sometimes we watch it together. Sometimes we hit up a strip club. There may be things that he wants to try with you or that he’s into, but he’s too scared to ask. Try asking him what he wants to do in bed, or take a look at what he’s watching and try to act it out yourself. That’s what worked for me. Good luck and don’t let it upset you. A guy will always want to watch porn in secret and jack off. I think it’s something that lets them have a fantasy in their mind and lets them relieve stress. Best of Luck.

Post # 36
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@anniephd: Not criticizing your decision to “wait” but I think that’s one of the problems that comes out of waiting.  People aren’t sure if they’re sexually compatible until they are married and then it can cause difficulties within a marriage.  Of course, with waiting, you had high hopes and expected that “newlywed” super-excited feeling between you and your husband, but it seems he is just not on the same page with that.  Unfortunately some men are not as sexual as others and some couples are not as sexual as each other.

I think that this issue is definitely bigger than the p*rn (sorry, typing at work) and seems to have more to do with the relationship between you and your husband, including your sexual relationship and expectations from each other.  Definitely look into counseling.

Post # 37
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think there are a lot of issues going on here–a counselor is definitely necessary. You guys are disagreeing on so many levels it sounds like–the sex, the finances, etc. It’s just stuff you guys need to handle, that’s all.

And i notice a lot of blame on yourself. Don’t just blame yourslef–your husband is a big boy and if something bothered him, he could have brought it up, sat down with YOU and discussed it. It takes two people–so it’s not just YOUR communication, it’s his, too. So don’t take all the blame

Post # 39
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Honestly, I agree a lot with Miss Snapdragon.  It sounds like right now it’s being used as an unhealthy crutch.  Though it probably doesn’t help him to open up too much if he feels scolded but I would have been very upset too and had some talks with him. 

From some of your other posts it does sound like you guys are quite a bit different and counseling would probably help.  You said something about needing to shower everytime before, so I guess that adds to the time it takes and if he’s a bit OCD I can see how these things could then be a bigger deal.  But, at the same time, all the habits he sees as part of it aren’t necessary and he’s got a few hurdles to get over so he can have a more healthy life and not use other things as a substitute for reality and his wife.

Post # 40
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

I’m actually okay with my boyfriend watching porn, it’s not exessive and I rather that than him doing things with other women.  honestly ive watched porn too and I’m glad we can both admit it.  we live out any fantasies together though, we communicate well about our sexual desires/needs.

Post # 41
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

YAY jwinnings! That’s how I feel too.

Post # 42
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d be okay with it. I don’t know if SO watches porn or not. I’d venture to say no since I’d probably know… (We live together). I would rather we watch it together than him sneaking around though. Sneaking anything is always a bad sign… Unless it’s like Christmas presents! lol, which porn is definitely not… So talk it out calmly and make sure he knows how you feel. He should be respectful of your wishes, in my opinion.

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