Post # 1
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
I don’t understand how you can give so much of yourself for the benefit of US while the other person just doesn’t care.
At the beginning of this year my fiancé dropped the bomb on me that he was $10,000 in debt not medical not school but just a shopaholic problem. I was so angry but because I loved him we devised a plan to pay it down by the end of December.
Every month he faithfully paid it down and according to the plan. He even gave me the credit card and access to his online banking info. A few times despite having left the physical card with me, he used it but paid extra to cover the new charges and the payment plan. While he did all that I was paying off all our wedding and all non wedding bills (cell phones, rent, car payments, food, etc) with the hope that his 1st check of January would alleviate the burden I was carrying.
Well yesterday, I checked that his last payment went through (after not having checked since dec 12th) and instead of seeing a 0 balance he’s almost $1000 in debt.
I know most of you will say $9000 down isn’t bad. And i would agree. I know most of you will say well didn’t he get you something really nice for Christmas, no I got pajamas, a fitbit, and wheel locks. So at most were talking $300 while the rest was spent on what he wanted for himself that he didn’t want me to buy for him because his spending was because “it made him feel good about himself”. The rest of the things for his family was covered by me.
I’m beyond disappointed and hurt by the betrayal. I feel like he has stolen money from US. And there is no way for him to contribute to our household and pay off this debt. There just aren’t enough hours or overtime to do it. I feel it’s unfair to me to keep carrying this burden. He only had one thing to do and he blew it. I don’t even want to get married anymore.
I’ve seen financial infidelity through my parents marriage and my fathers uncontrolled spending where my mom has always had to hide money away.
I know some will feel like I’m being unreasonable for holding to this deadline. But I don’t understand what’s the point of trying this anymore if he does stuff like this before we get married why should I deal with this same lying and betrayal in a marriage. It’s not going to get better.
I just don’t have the strength to keep fighting for US when he keeps making selfish decisions.
Post # 3
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
I understand feeling hurt and betrayed. I think the problem is that although you worked on paying off the debt, there was nothing done (that you mention) to handle the deeper issue of how and why he let himself get into that much debt “just because”. He says it makes him feel good to spend…is it possible he has a shopping addiction? Maybe he should see a counsellor…
Post # 4
Member
3760 posts
Honey bee
I’m in the reverse situation, I have the debt and Iam busting my butt to pay it down while I’M also paying for the wedding and he’s saving for a downpayment for a house. FI would be FURIOUS if I ever pulled something like that. It honestly might be grounds for him to break it off. I would feel horrible and could never do that. I can’t WAIT until the day my debt is paid off (should be in about 4 months!!) and I never have to worry about it again!!! I hope he can come to his senses and stop this behavior!!
Post # 5
Member
4665 posts
Honey bee
The man has an addiction. This is not something you can fix for him and this is not something he can stop himself from doing. He needs much more intervention and help. Stop planning the wedding. Start looking into addictions treatment options in the area. There may not be options for behavioral addictions, and he may need help through a private counselor. You can not keep taking on the burden for him though. It is not fair to you to have to watch how he spends his money, it’s not fair to expect that you should keep him “in line”. He’s only going to end up resenting the situaion as it becomes more like a parent/child relationship.
Post # 6
Member
2534 posts
Sugar bee
So don’t get married.
It’s not your debt, you can’t change him – only HE can change himself.
This is less of an “us” problem and more of a “your” problem – can you live with his spending habits or not? If not, leave. If yes, then you need to support him (not his spending but his efforts), not put him down for trying his best.
Yes, $1,000 is a big setback. But what was the goal after he paid off the debt? Accrue some new debt? Shred the credit cards? Because he’ll always be getting new CC offers in the mail, and the temptation will always be there.
Was teh pay-off plan just your plan, or was this a plan where he was accountable to someone besides only you – like a financial class or a help group? That might make a difference as well.
Like I said – if he doesn’t want to work on it, then maybe it’s time to get out of this relationship.
Personally, if I met a guy with the same problems as my father I’d be out of that relationship in a flash – been there done that: I’ve had enough for one lifetime.
Post # 7
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
@gemchick82: you’re feeling this way because he has, essentially, stolen from you. You were generous and loving enough to take on his irresponsible consumer debt, he agreed to a plan, and then went out and spent money on himself anyway. I am sorry, but I would not marry this man until he got the spending issues under control through therapy, and I would probably end the relationship if he refused to get help. And I would not pay off this new debt – you are not his own personal bank. so sorry he did this.
Post # 8
Member
3760 posts
Honey bee
I get where other posters are coming from, but being the one that spends the money myself… it’s having an active card that’s the problem. The fact that he used the card without physically having it in his hands, that is definitely an issue and not something I would have done so maybe he does need more help. But for me, it’s a matter of not having access to credit at all. Cancel the card. Get rid of it all together. As long as he has access to it, he’ll use it. Then you have to worry about him getting a new card behind your back, if he does that, I’d definitely say counseling is needed and he has a bigger issue. It sucks. I know exactly what he’s dealing with. I hope he can fix this.
Post # 9
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
long before i knew my DH, DH got himself into a little money trouble.
he opened a credit card in college and spent freely because he thought he could. he learned the hard what debt can do. but he was able to clean up his mess. now he only had a debit card and spends what he has.
maybe your FI needs to do the same. cut up all his credit cards and either pay cash for everything or if he can handle a debit card, use a debit card.
Post # 10
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
@gemchick82: It seems like he has made it clear that he either cannot control his spending, or refuses to try that hard.
I DEFINITELY see this as a reason to postpone wedding plans, and no one could call you out for leaving him either– if this is a long-term problem you’re in for a lot of stress that no one deserves and your marriage might not be able to withstand.
I’d draw the line here as the last straw and have a serious talk about returning ALL the items he purchased for himself, maybe even YOUR xmas gifts too to make a point. And then talk about cancelling the cards and have a limited fund account for him, and then the majority of money in your control only. I know that sounds crazy and it’s treating him like a child, but otherwise he will continue to blow money if he has access to it. It’s totally understandable if he doesnt want to agree to these terms, but I would have an ultimatum ready in that case.
Post # 11
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@gemchick82: Totally feel for you. That sucks so much. I think that maybe he needs some professional help because just like any addiction it is hard to break. I commend you for what you have done – my question is has he decreased his credit limit as he has paid off the credit card? You may want him to decrease it so it is more difficult.
Post # 12
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
My ex-FI was like this. He had debt, and not only lied about paying it off, but continued to accrue more. Like you, I was paying for everything. One day I decided this wasn’t the life I wanted to live, and broke it off and never looked back. Having similar financial outlooks is very important to me and thankfully realized it was a dealbreaker before I married him.
Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
@sara_tiara:
@HappySky7:
@CakeyP:
@jny1179:
@tampalove35:
@laceydoilies:
I apologize for not mentioning that counseling for other issues (ILS especially his cray cray FMIL) was part the deal as well. However based on the crazy hours he was working he wasn’t able to keep many appointments and according to him his doctor stopped calling. (Having been to a therapist myself, I know it was more of him not calling back. )
We had also considered marriage counseling in our deal. And I left him with the responsibility for setting it up but again it always came back to his hours at work.
Right now through all the text messages and phone calls now he’s ready to deal with the problem. But in a few months I’m afraid he’ll forget all the promises he made and we will be back to square one. And this time I’ll be paying alimony to get away from this situation.
I just called our pastor hoping he can make some sense of this or at least give my fiancé someone to discuss this with.
My heart says that we’ve had more good times than bad times. But my brain is saying this is stupid, he showed you who he was, he told you you weren’t enough for him to do better. So why try any further.
He didn’t present like my father with money until we reached this point. He’s never taken money from US before.
Post # 14
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
@gemchick82: Please stop wedding plans and think about this situation for a while. I wouldn’t marry into this.
Post # 15
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
@gemchick82: Being former financially irresponsible with credit cards, I know his position all too well. I ran up $10K of debt on 3 credit cards, and got a debt consolidation loan from my bank. I’ve been paying it off for 4 years – $1500 left! The issue was that I spent money that wasn’t mine when I felt bad, I also spent money that wasn’t mine when I felt good. The shock of how much debt I had run up scared me senseless. I also didn’t tell my parents about the debt, as I knew they would want to help me out, and I didn’t want them to suffer for my mistakes. I’ve paid every dollar off the loans myself, and in a way, you made it really easy for him – you have been paying ALL of the bills, he’s been living rent free, essentially financially commitment free aside from his credit card payment. It should have been that he still contributes to the household bills etc, AND pay the credit card as well. Why should you sacrifice some of your financial freedom to pay for his mistake? I also had my car to pay off, and I was really restricted cash wise for a while – you never really learn how precious money is until you watch it slowly chip away at stupid mistakes you’ve made, and know that your belt is as tight as it can go – no money to do anything but meet your financial obligations. It SUCKS, but that’s how it should be – otherwise, how does anyone ever learn?
He needs to get rid of ALL credit cards, cancel every single one. There are some people who can be really smart with credit cards and use them only for emergencies, but then there’s people like me, your FI, and many others like us, that should NEVER be trusted with one.
Post # 16
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Just so I’m clear, your FI spent $700 on himself for Christmas and says it’s b/c it “makes him feel good about himself?”
That definitely sounds like an addiction 🙁 Does he also see that he failed in his agreement with you?
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