Post # 1
I’m just looking for an outside perspective.
I’ve been with my SO for almost 4 years since college. We are from very different cultures/ backgrounds/ethnicities but it didn’t really affect our relationship and although my parents were a bit hesitant at first of me being in a serious relationship with a man from very different cultural bringing, they really like him now And he gets along with them.
Anyway way him and I have an agreement that we won’t live together until we are married and he’s completely fine with that Even though he isn’t morally opposed to it or anything. However it seems he’s become increasingly annoyed that I still live with my parents
I’m 24 and have a really great job that I love and pays very well for someone of my age. I could definitely afford to live by myself, but I just don’t really want to. I’m really close to my parents and in my culture it’s really, really common for children (especially girls to live with their parents until they are married or into their mid to late twenties. I don’t see a point of moving away and paying rent and being lonely when my parents want me to live with them and I can start saving money for my future. Its not like I act like a kid, I go grocery shopping for my family, cook, help pay utilities and hydro for them, pay.My phone hill and car insurance (although they did buy me my car) encourage my parents toeat healthy and exercise (lol) etc. my parents have always been overprotective and at times try to parent me but in general they let me be pretty I dependent and treat me like an Adult. My place of work is like a 5 minute drive from their house, I get to hang out with my little brother and sister who I adore. I just truly not see a reason why I should move out.
My SO has seemed to become increasingly annoyed by me living with my parents. He live in his own apartment and pays rent while pAying of debt from university ( I dint have debt because my parents financed my education)He says that I let them control me and amd “robbing the cradle” but myparents actually WANT me to live with them. He also says that how will I learn to truly be independent and responsible if I live with them. But I’m pretty much known by everyone of beong super organized and responsible. I just want to say his apartment is always a mess and when I ever I spend the day or night at his apartment its always a mess I’m always cleaning his apartment up (I’m a neat freak and actually enjoy cleaning lol) He also has barely a clue how to cook and always eats instant meals or eats out and I always cook for him when I’m over. But somwhow I’m the irresponsible one. He’s started to make more and more remarks about it and starts saying that I should move out and it just gets annoying, like how does he control where I live anyway? ive told him to stop but then he just says “hey I’m just bring honest” or something like that and he still continues. It’s also not like I’ve never lived by myself for the first 2 year of university I lived in a dormitory suite before moving back home. My sister thinks hrs just bitter and that he needs to get over himself. But I was wondering if any bess could give some perspective or advice on how to handle this?
Post # 2
You may be responsible, but I personally think that you will never know what it is like to be an independent adult until you move out, and at age 24… if you can easily afford to live on your own, then I think it is an important part of growing up. You may help around the house and pay a couple bills, but it’s really not the same, IMO.
Post # 3
Ugh I’m truly not that bad at spelling, my phone just changes a lot of what I type and its a pain to write sentences.
Post # 4
HeartsandSparkles: I totaly agree. I’m sorry OP, but cultural reasons or not, it would irritate me if my SO had never really lived on his own and was still living with his parents at 24 if circumstances permitted him to move out.
The freedom and independence that comes with living on your own is something that you can’t really even grasp until you do it. Living in a dorm isn’t the same thing. You may think that the only thing different with living alone vs. living with your parents would be your physical location, but you’d be surprised.
As is it now, whether you’re conscious of it or not, your parents/siblings living in the same house as you means that they’re providing you a safety net. Even if you pitch in with chores, groceries, and certain bills, at the end of the day, they’re there–just as they have been there your whole life–and you are never forced to rely 100% on yourself. And when you have to rely 100% on yourself is when I find that people really grow and develop and learn to stand on their own two feet.
You even say that their house is 5 minutes from your work. I feel like your entire life is basically in a bubble. While some people I’m sure would see this as a great thing, I’m afraid I’m one that doesn’t.
Also, “robbing the cradle” doesn’t mean what you/your SO seem to think it means….
Post # 5
TheGridMonster: lmao robbing the cradle were his words haha and I looked it up and I didn’t know what it meant and I looked it u And told him he was using the phrase completely incorrectly. I was just making fun of him in the post
Post # 6
if it were me, I would disregard what your so says. Living with your parents isn’t a bad thing. Your saving money and if you enjoy living with them then he has no say in what you do. Now if you guys are engaged or married then that might be different but if you and your so are just dating then he has no say.
Post # 7
I don’t see the big deal really, but maybe that’s just how my family is. Techinically speaking, we live with my parents, although it is an apartment [a house that’s split into two separate living areas]. They live in one side, we live in the other, while we share a kitchen. We split everything 50/50 except for extras [like cable.. our “side” doesn’t have cable, nor do I want it, so we don’t pay for it]. This allows me and DH to save money for our forever home [we’re hoping to have at least 1/2 down for a downpayment], while my parents live more comfortably because they don’t have so much money going out on bills.
My mom actually prefers that we live at home as long as possible, and tells me as often as she can. Not only because it will benefit my future, but because she loves having us around, and she doesn’t want to be alone at night [her husband works nights], so I think it works out good for everyone.
I’m not freeloading off anyone, it was a joint decision made between me & my parents, and I was living by myself before they asked me to move in.
My brother ocassionally makes comments about me “living at home with mom” – last time he told me, “I didn’t own anything”. Which is true, I don’t own any property, but neither does he because he’s renting.. so technically, he owns just as much as I do – I just live more comfortably and will have a good stash of money saved away.
Don’t let others get you down.. if your parents are comfortable with you living there, and you are doing your part around the house [keeping it clean, paying for things], and you have a job, It shouldn’t be an issue. Invest and save for your future while you can.
Post # 8
Until you live on your own and pay all of your own bills, you have not truly experienced independence. It sounds like you are enmeshed with your parents and unable to individuate from them. It is as if you live for your parents’ approval. “In my culture, it’s really really common for children…” You are not a child or a “girl”. You are an adult and a woman.
I would be annoyed if I was your boyfriend too. Sometimes I hear grown ass women saying things like “My mom says that I can’t live with my boyfriend until I am married.” Adults do what they think is right for them instead of being afraid of their mommies.
Culture is just a cop out. I was also raised in a culture where “girls” are expected to stay at home until marriage. I moved out at 21 because I wasn’t interested in being a naive little girl for the rest of my life. My family had a lot of negative things to say but I didn’t care. I needed to learn how to look after myself and experience life as an independent woman. My parents are sexist and they expected me to stay home, do chores and marry the first boy I dated. I can also tell you that my husband would not have married me if I was the kind of “girl” my parents wanted me to be.
Post # 9
Clearly he is insecure about his own lack of housekeeping/cooking abilities and is lashing out at you instead of dealing with them himself. He’d rather think that your ability to cook and clean comes only from still living with your parents to make himself feel better. Now, if everything else about your relationship is great, then this isn’t a huge issue, but if it continues, you may want to look into things further. Does he often make you feel bad about things that aren’t your fault/don’t make sense to be angry about?
Stay at home and save your money! You work, you pay your own bills, you help pay their’s and you help run the household, there is no reason for you to move out. Is a bit more independance really worth thousands and thousands of dollars? I really don’t think so. Plus it’s cheaper for your parents for you to live at home too.
Do what you want to do and don’t let others make you feel bad about not living by yourself, everyone I know would still rather be at home or would be better off if they’d stayed longer.
Post # 10
Well.. I dont think you have really lived away from home. A college dorm doesnt really count. I think your SO has a point to be honest. It would be no harm to move out and live on your own (not with him) for a while.
Post # 11
To follow up Ap’s comment about him not having a say since yall are just dating…Yall have been together for 4 years and I’m sure that engagement and marriage is probably in the future. There is no way in hell I would marry someone who still lives at home with their parents when they are 24 are can afford their own place. You may think that you are grown, responsible and organized, but that takes on a whole new meaning when you live on your own. Living with in a dorm or with your parents, even though you pay some bills, is competely different than living independently and on your own.
I have a friend like you, granted she is 20, and did not move out until she got married. She is so dependent on her mom and brother and now she just shifted her dependency onto her husband. I don’t think she was in any way shape or form ready for marriage. No way I would want that if I was a male. Hell, I wouldn’t be with my FI if he was still living at home even though he could very well move out, he just didn’t want to.
Post # 12
MyTimeWillCome: it’s easy to say that you can / you will / you are when there’s no reason to put your money where your mouth is.
I am not saying you aren’t responsible. I’m sure you are. I’m sure you’re also independent.
But you currently have a safety net. You Don’t really know what you’ll be like living alone. He doesn’t know what you’ll be like living with just him — will he come home to an empty house BC you got tired of waiting for him to come home so went to your parents? Will you be calling him and bugging him to come home? Can you handle 100% of the chores and bills?
point is, you won’t know till you’re there and that’s a lot of personal growth you’re uninterested in until you’re married. For me, that would be annoying too, if I felt like my partner wasn’t interested in growth.
Post # 13
MyTimeWillCome: I’ve dated your boyfriend. We broke up! He is bitter and jealous of your situation, and he’s going to hold it over your head forever. There is nothing wrong with living with your parents, especially since you help pay bills and you clean- you’re not a mooch, he’s a mooch! He’s using you to clean and cook. STOP IT! NOW!!
Instead of fighting you, he should be glad that you’re saving money for your future house together. His mind is not on “us” and you should not marry him any time soon. He might live alone but he’s far from grown up. After 4years together this would really upset me, please take a long hard look at your relationship.
Post # 14
This is really hard for me to understand because I moved out of my parents house aged 19. I love my parents and my siblings but I wanted to live in my own appartment and live my own adult life. I would find it stifling to live with my parents aged 24 and would feel like I hadn’t grown up yet. So, if I were your SO, I would find it incredibly annoying that you live with your parents because I would feel like there was a bridge between us, because there are some things that people who live with their parents just can’t understand until they move out.
The issue with the cleanliness of his flat and his inability to cook is a totally different separate issue in my opinion. If you like cleaning and cooking and he doesn’t, I don’t see the big deal. If you’d like him to cook for you and make more of an effort to tidy up whe you’re coming over, talk to him about it.
But, if I were you, I would try living with this guy before marriage… because it will be a bit step for you in two ways – firstly because you will be moving out of your parents house for the first time, and secondly because sharing a house with a guy is not the same as dating and you might find a whole lot of issues that (in my opinion) it’s a good idea to work through before marrying someone..
Post # 15
Oh, and, if my DH still lived with his Mum before marrying me, I would NOT have married him until he had moved out and lived alone for a year at least. You really can have no idea about what a person is really like until they move out of their parent’s house. See, you know how he doesn’t clean and doesn’t cook. But he doesn’t know ANYTHING about how what your house will look like once you’ve got your own place! He doesn’t know how you would like to furnish a house, because you’re surrounded by your parent’s furniture. He doesn’t know how clean you would like to keep a house, how much cooking you would like to do, how you will manage your utility bills, what kind of a ”work-life” balance you will have (will you be over at your parent’s place every night?, will you go out with friends?.. etc.. your social life will change a lot once you live alone). He doesn’t know how often you do laundry, how you’d like to organize your stuff in the kitchen and living room… honestly there is so much about you that he doesn’t know (and that YOU don’t yet know yourself).
I honestly think that, even if you don’t want to move in with your SO before marriage, you should get your own place and live alone for a while before marrying someone.