Post # 1
Posting anon but regular bee here…
SO (not FI yet) and I just got back from a week long vacation that I thought brought us closer — emotionally and physically. We had sex 5 of 8 days on the trip which is a big increase from our usual routine (usually 2 or 3 times a week). We live together and get busy into our routines and things and he works from home so I feel bad bothering him if he’s working on something and I work all day at an office…
SO also has an issue that if he masturbates during the day (which I don’t care about nor do I care if he watches porn or any of that) he can’t cum easily when we have sex. As such, SO tries to “save himself” for me but then if I don’t feel like having sex he gets really frustrated and upset.
Last night SO basically had an anxiety attack and told me he doesn’t know if he can handle the fact that our sex drives are so different and he doesn’t want to pressure me into having sex but he’s really anxious about us not having sex.
It is true that my libido has slowed down since we first started dating (we haven’t been dating THAT long, about a year now, but still) and I think its partly due to birth control (on the ring, and that isn’t going to change because the pill makes me incredibly moody and gain weight and yes I’ve tried many pills, the ring works for me and I HAVE to be on hormonal BC because of PCOS) and other medical stuff. I want to satisfy SO but its hard if I’m feeling incredibly tired or dizzy to get into the mood…
I don’t know how to fix this at this point. I’m never going to be the “have sex everyday” girl… Sigh.
We’re in the process of getting engaged — the ring is in process and we’ve both talked about it ad naseum, but now I’m scared that his anxiety over our sex life is going to keep us from getting engaged 🙁
Post # 3
Does it always have to be intercourse? Could you not just give him a HJ or BJ if you don’t feel like having actual sex?
I have to be honest 2 to 3 times a wk & you’ve been dating a yr seems a little low, because it slows down after that, & with that amount what could it possibly slow down to? I can sympathize with him that he’s anxious, but I don’t think you should have sex if you don’t want to, so I am offering up an alternative.
What made those 8 days so different then when you’re at home?
Post # 4
I am confused…. how is your libido slower then his? Alot of guys can masturbate earlier in the day and then be ready to go again a few hours later. I don’t think it is fair that you are carrying the burden of guilt here.
Post # 5
Very few people can have sex every day. I think 2-3 times a week is great, personally, but I guess every couple needs to figure out what is best for them. If your bf needs it every day, then yeah, you guys just can’t work out. I’m sure there are people who can do that, but I think most people can’t. I do think these things slow down with age, although my FI is in his 30s, and I think he’d still love to do it everyday too. Some people just have high drives. The important thing is that you’re talking about it though, so try to figure out what it is that he wants, exactly. Is it that the sex makes him feel closer to you, or that he’s afraid of losing you, or simply that he needs to have an orgasm every day? Once you figure out what exactly the issue is, you can try to get creative with how to solve it, but if he’s not willing to budge or work with you on that, then he really does need to find someone with a similar drive. I know that I’ve gotten more willing to have sex more often with my FI since he started taking an active role in making sure it is good for me too, so that did help a lot. Be really clear with him about what things turn you on, since it’s probably not the things he thinks (I become a lot more willing to have sex when all the dishes are clean!!!)
Post # 6
@beeanonembarassed: I don’t have a ton of advice but I will share my experience similar to yours. When DH and I first started having sex (I think it was a month or so into our relationship) we did it every chance we got. Which wasn’t easy because I had a young son and he has 2 older children but we managed to have sex frequently. After dating 6 months we moved intogether and then had sex daily for awhile. I had to have a change in BC due to issues with my IUD. That dropped my libido drastically and we started having sex maybe once a week sometimes less. I ended up getting of BC all together after trying many different kinds. It took 4-5 months before my libido regulated. He was sexually frustrated for those months but thankfully was patient with me. Now we have sex 3-4 times a week which is a happy medium for both of us. I’m actually pregnant now so once again my libido is dropped for obvious reasons but we still manage 1-2 times a week. I’m just usually so exhausted but DH has been great with it. I guess the point of my story is we worked threw our sex issues and made it out stronger then ever. We both compromised and it took work but we have a more fufilling sex life then when we were doing it everyday.
Post # 7
I don’t really have any specific advice for you, I haven’t been in your situation, but I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t feel ashamed or like there’s something wrong with you because you don’t have a super high sex drive. From other threads, I’ve seen that many women are perfectly happy with having intercourse the same amount or even less frequently than you. I don’t know if any of them have a mismatch between sex drives though…If it’s really freaking him out, it might be time to talk to him about whether or not this is a deal breaker for you two?
ETA: it’s probably a good idea to determine whether he’s acting that way because he thinks he’ll eventually get you to change for him, or if he understands that this is what you’re comfortable with and it won’t change much. If he’s trying to convince you to change and (interntionally or subconsciously) and he thinks it’s possible, his frustration may not be as bad as he makes it seem…
Post # 8
How about trying to designate say 2 +- days ( whatever amount you feel is good for you) per week to have some kind of intimacy. So on those days he knows as a general rule, he shouldn’t masturbate so he can “perform” in the way that makes him confident and satisfied when you guys are being intimate.
I understand that he may want/need to get off daily and if he saves it for you and you don’t want to he freaks or if you suddenly want to and he has already gotten off, then he can’t make things work for you.
You guys are still young in your relationship, so you have time to on your side to make things work. I would work on boosting your self confidence since you think your weight gain my be to blame for part of your lack of interest- which is totally normal but something you will want to look past! Plus, your SO might want to consider seeing someone ( sex therapist) about having anxiety ( severe enough for an attack) regarding this issue.
Sending positive thoughts your way!!
Post # 9
I am so sorry this is happening. Libidos change all the time and depend on age, mood, stress in the life, etc. Your FI sounds like he believes that this will neve be the case for him, which, in fact, it will-guaranteed. So I would ask him–what if one day his libido drops, or what if he is one of the 50% of men over 40 who have erection problems and cannot satisfy you? How would he want you to trat him? What sort of compromise would he look for?
He should not be having anxiety attacks over this–this definitely concerns me, though. Does yur BF have any other isses, ie: OCD, any mood disorders, depression etc?
Frequent masturbation, anxiety over possibly not getting his next “fix” might be a sign of a sex addiction, or hypersexuality. I am not a therapist, but this is something to at least consider or read about before you chat with him. I am not saying I think this is what it is, just the anxiety attack over this concerns me.
Post # 10
Putting aside your boyfriends issues with frequency, is there any reason why you can’t adjust the timing of your intimacy? Sex doesn’t have to be just at night in bed with the lights out. Do it in the morning when you’re feeling energetic. Have a quicky in the afternoons on weekends. Work in intimate touching throughout the day. And, as PP suggested, it doesn’t have to be intercourse every time. HJ, BJ, frottage, sensual massage, etc. can all be on your sexual menu.
Post # 11
What if you designated two days a week (probably the nights when you’re most tired/busy) as days where sex just probably isn’t going to happen? That way he can masturbate away and take the edge off, and you don’t feel like he’s constantly hounding you for it.
IMO, you should meet him halfway by upping the frequency to 3-4 days a week. If you aren’t up for coitus, give him a BJ.
To avoid feeling like things are too scheduled and not spontaneous enough, make sure that you are initiating sometimes. On the weekends, surprise him by pulling him into bed in the middle of the day or giving him a BJ. My guess is that his anxiety is half about actual frequency and half about feeling like you’re always turning him down/you’re not that into it. If you regularly make it clear that you want him, etc. and the sex, when it happens, is really good, he should be pretty happy with sex and/or BJs 4x/week.
Post # 12
SO does have a history of anxiety/panic attacks over other things (bad experience at work left him with PTSD in a way) so the anxiety is not unusual for him and he works on it. When we started dating he was actually on SSRIs but went off them because he had sexual issues on them (both getting erections and cumming). That was when we first started dating so its been a good 10 months since he’s been off them and he told me he feels no different on or off them besides the sexual issues which obviously resolved. He does still see someone and I’m going to ask him to mention this the next time he goes to the psychaitrist…
Post # 13
@beeanonembarassed: Yes, I really thinks its him with the problem, not you.
Post # 14
@Cady: Eh, maybe. But DH and I have been together almost 7 years and I’d be feeling pretty glum if it looked like I’d never be getting it more than 2-3x/week, max. I think the OP needs to compromise and work with him to find a solution, not just write it off as ‘his problem’.
Post # 15
@mrssrm: 2-3 times a week is hardly unusual and I think his anxiety over it is alittle disturbing. Compromise needs to be made on his end to let her have a break every now and then due to her medical condition. He also should not have gone off his meds without speaking to a doctor.
Post # 16
@Cady: Right, but not everyone is usual. People have different wants and needs, and couples with mismatched needs should try to compromise. Simply saying “your needs aren’t ‘normal’, so we’re going to have sex 2.4x/week like an average couple and you can just suck it up” isn’t helpful or loving. Like I said above, I think there’s room for compromise on both ends, and I suspect he already feels that he’s compromising by only having sex 2-3x/week. Also, it wasn’t obvious to me from what the OP said that he’d gone off his meds w/o consulting a doctor, but if that’s the case, then yes, he needs to get that in order.