(Closed) So are we going to get married or not?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

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@JenniMichele: Sorry about that. Apparently, the reply function is too difficult for me to figure out. LOL!

Post # 18
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I may be able to offer some perspective from his side of the fence.  I am VERY cautious with relationships and never wanted to get married until I met my Fiance.  I had had some bad relationships in the past and just decided I wasn’t interested.  So, of course, he shows up right when I quit looking.  But anyway, as you described him, he sounds a lot like me: buying things and returning them, being honest even if it hurts feelings.  I knew pretty much from the moment I saw my Fiance we would get married, but it took us 5 years to even get engaged.  I think it takes a lot of time to really get to know someone and how they function in different situations.  I don’t think a year, sometimes even 2 years depending on how your relationship works is long enough to REALLY get to know someone.  I am not the norm as far as women go, I don’t think because I also wanted to know how my Fiance was in most all situations before we got engaged/married because once I do it, that’s it.  So maybe your SO is that way, he only wants to get married once and he wants to make absolutely sure of your compatibility.  

Post # 19
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

For a man just over a year isn’t that long to decide most definately you’re the one.

Post # 20
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I will say from personal experience, that just because they aren’t sure about marriage, that doesn’t always mean that they aren’t sure about you. My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years (I’m 24 and he is 27). While I knew six months into my relationship that I wanted to marry him and grow old with him, it took him another 5 years. It wasn’t that he didn’t love me, it’s just that it takes some people a lot longer to be ready for a committment like marriage. He always was sure to tell me that he didn’t think that our relationship was going to end, and that he knew that he did want to marry me, he just wasn’t sure when he would be ready for that actual date. Sure, it stung when people who had been dating less than us were getting married before us, and when my baby brother got married, and my other baby brother got engaged, but I knew that he wasn’t ready. I’m sure I could have issued an ultimatium years ago and gotten him to marry me, but I wanted it to be that we were both ready when it happened, I didn’t want the wedding to happen just because I demanded it. He’s ready now and we will be together for over 7 years when we get married.

 

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend just may be one of those men who take awhile to make up his mind, and that is okay IMO. You guys have only been together a little over a year, it may take him a little longer to know for sure that you are the one that he can’t live without. When you said that he said he wanted to see how you would react to different things, this could be one of those. Maybe he wants to see if you are one of those GF’s who try to manipulate and push their way into an engagement and marriage. I’m not saying some guys don’t need a push, but I don’t think that after 15 months is when to start. Marriage is about love and knowing each other, maybe he just wants to get to know you even better before taking that next step. Just relax, it sounds like he does love you and is thinking about taking that step eventually (which is a good sign). Just another viewpoint 🙂

Post # 21
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I personally would probably not marry someone until I have known them for a good 3 years or more and have lived with them. I need to make sure that they are who they seem, and what direction their lives move over a longer time. I usually don’t even feel ok to talk to anyone about marriage until 3 years into the relationship. When I get married I want to know that I will be married to them forever, and that they feel the same way.

I have been in 3 relationships that have lasted at least 3 years. I felt really good about them all, until the end of them (other than my current one). Fiance and I have been together for about 5 years before we got engaged, we didn’t talk much about marriage until about 4.5 years into the relationship. We also lived with eachother for a good 3 years before we got engaged. I am very happy that we waited that long, because I know him so well now, and feel like we are a team always and forever.

I want to note that I don’t think anything bad about others getting married earlier than I did, just wanted to state my feelings on why I would want to wait.

Post # 22
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with those saying that one year isn’t a very long time – at all. AND this is the first relationship which he has had where he has thought about marriage. 

So – he want’s to get married, but he wants it to last. You’ve only been together a year and he just isn’t sure yet that you are the one. I think that this is perfectly reasonable. You don’t live together (not that I think you need to but it does mean that you know about each other’s quirks and such) and I’m sure that there are things you haven’t experienced together yet. 

Most “people” (articles on marriage etc) say that after 3 years the guy (or girl) should know. I would back off, enjoy him and the relationship and let it grow some more. 

I totally understand the want to marry him, but he just isn’t ready yet. 

Post # 23
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I can understand where you coming from as well as where he is! One year isn’t all that long to BE SURE about marrying someone. Don’t take it personall.

I’d also say that my guy is similar to yours. He’s a smart guy and has been independent for years and is very logical. He wants to be married and wants it to last. I wouldn’t expect a guy like that to be all super romantic and jumping onto Marriage. If you are sure you want him as your partner, you could take some more time developing your relationship. If you want to get married soon, then you may want to look elsewhere, maybe date someone who’s not like him and more of a romantic type(or whatever, I don’t know).

Having said that, you can still take a more assertive approach to your situation. From my personal experience with my guy, I beleive you could guide him to REALLY THINK about marriage and all, now. I bet he hasn’t put too much thought into it at this point. So let him have his time(maybe a month) to SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT IT, then let him speak his thougths with you. If you have a certain timeline in your mind, then MAKE IT CLEAR before he does this thinking so he’ll take it into consideration.

You said he’s beeing more affectionate and positive about the relationship after the talk. I think he’s someone who’ll react positively with this approach.

Good luck.

Post # 25
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t want to be the nay-sayer here, but it really makes me worry for you that he said you have to be responsible for your own actions.  I really think that’s his way of saying, if you stick around, it’s your problem.

Now, I won’t say that he won’t end up deciding if you are the one, but if I were you, I don’t think I’d wait around for it. 

The best advice I think is to sit him down, tell him you need this, tell him that is where the relationship must go, and you need him to really think about it and FIGURE IT OUT.  Then, I would spend the next 3 months (6 tops) following Mr. Bee’s plan and working on yourself.  Make spending time together great and fun.  If at the end of that, HE is not bringing up marriage, maybe have one more talk and if he’s still not sure, I’d bail.  Life is too short.

Post # 26
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you’ve spent your entire time dating while you’re in school, it could be good for both of you to see what dating each other is like while working as well, given the relatively brief relationship thus far.  I think he has a valid point there.  I guess I just don’t see 1.3 years as long enough to know if you wanted to marry someone.  Some may know, but it’s valid for others not to know – particularly those like your bf that are more cautious.  As long as the possibility is still wide-open, I’d put it aside until the 2 year mark.

Post # 27
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

@penumbras: I understand your frustration. My SO is/was very much like yours: he takes a long time to make a decision, he’s a bit of a commitmentphobe, an engineer, etc. We’re 25 & 26, dating 1.5yrs.

That said, even though SO is the most overly cautious guy I know, he can still tell me that he wants me as his wife. He acknowledges his faults on commitment-making and is taking an active role in order to be able to take that leap of faith to marry me. Basically, your guy has to WANT to change his stance. 

To answer your question, I don’t think you guys will get married anytime soon. He must want to get married and he needs to know its you. Now you just have to decide how long you are willing to wait for him.

Post # 28
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

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@penumbras: hahahahahahaa Laughing It’s so true. The ladies on this board are so wonderful and insightful and supportive. And they tell you how it is without tearing you a new one.

Post # 29
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I say give it more time, he clearly doesn’t feel ready and nothing you are going to say or do is going to change that.

 

Plus, a year and 3 months, like a lot of PPs really isn’t all that long.

Take heart though, he will figure it out and it seems like his cogs are turning on the subject, which is good!

Post # 31
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

It’s fresh yet, things are great, you’v not spent the time together, even living together, that brings trials, big one and therefore you really don’t know how one will react , etc…..I’d say give it some time, 2 yr mark and if no ring at least than you need to review the situation. 

The only thing I’m going to suggest you keep in mind is the statement, we will never break up. My recently ex SO made that comment about 2 yrs into the relationship, well, he failed to launch after 3 yrs and I left him. He never thought I would and said the day I to ld him it was over, to which I said, well, I guess after all this time you never really knew me 🙂 

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