Post # 1
I’m a strong believer in not bringing up the “E-word” often. When it does happen, I don’t want to question whether or not he was actually ready or if he just did it because of my nagging. I’m really on the brink though. Is it just me or do you guys notice an increase of bad waiting days this weekend??
Here’s my dilemma.. I was at my aunt’s yesterday and a lot of my family was there. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and my parents. First, an airplane with a banner that said “Karyn, will you marry me?” flew over and everyone was like “Oh my god, that’s your name!!” Ha. Great. That inevitably started a round of a game that I’ll just call “Who’s Next?” where the family puts in their two cents about the next person to get married.. There are two of us left and I’m in the longest relationship, so I’ll let you imagine how that game went.
After I squashed the game by saying it’ll happen when it happens, they started talking about planning a family vacation. We used to do this in the past, but once all of the cousins went to college it was difficult. Now that we’re all out, we’ve been toying with the idea again. Once someone brought it up, I panicked internally. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a destination wedding. In my obsessive PWW (Planning While Waiting) I’ve narrowed the location down to Cancun. I wanted to scream “Don’t plan a trip.. our wedding will be coming up! THAT can be our trip!”
That’s when my anxiety started. I have to have an April wedding because of my work schedule and the way it jives with Cancun’s weather. If we get engaged in August (we better…I can’t go back from another summer break without a ring. It kills me.), that only gives people 8 months to plan and save for the travel costs. If we don’t do April of 2012, I’ll have to wait a YEAR AND 8 MONTHS!!! That gives people time to save, but I’ll have so many pregnant friends by then that they might not be able to attend! I’ll also be 31, which means I’ll have to start having kids shortly after! AGHHHH!!!!! I’m freaking out and I just want to say something, but it goes against everything I believe about keeping quiet.
What would you do? Just plan on an April 2013 wedding either way, or speak up and express my concerns about timing. Just an FYI: I’ve been REALLY good about not saying anything. I’ve had a serious marriage discussion twice in four years.
Post # 3
Speaking your mind and making things clear isn’t nagging… I say talk to him about your concerns and desires so he knows what you’re hoping. If he doesn’t know…you may very well don’t make it around your work schedule to get married.
But then, my guy started to sound annoyed and alarmed when I say I want to talk about something :O
Post # 4
@gramgeek: I know! As soon as you say, “I wanna talk to you about something,” they start to panic..
Post # 5
@KayDubs: I think there’s a difference between nagging and voicing your needs. It sounds like your concern is a valid one; you want people to be able to come to your wedding without having to put it off for years. I think in this situation it would be a good idea to bring it up to him.
that’s why I’ve stopped saying that, and just launch into whatever it is. He seems to get more defensive when announce that I have something I want to talk about.
Post # 6
I agree that you should talk about it with your guy. I’m like you in that I normally advise against bringing up the whole e-word, but in your case it makes sense. He may not have thought about the timing from your perspective. You can bring it up in a matter-of-fact, casual way that doesn’t put pressure on him but just lets him know what you’re thinking. Plus, if you’ve only talked about it twice in 4 years, there’s no way anyone could accuse you of nagging. Good luck!
Post # 7
I was in your situation, but I brought it up a couple times because we were about to celebrate our 6 year dating anniversary and I was getting nervous that he didn’t really want to get married (even though we had discussed that we would). After I brought it up we actually went through some difficult times (a death in the family, relocating across the country etc) and I forgot about it and that’s when it happened. I know it’s hard when you’re trying to be practical and on a timeline and he doesn’t have a care in the world! I felt that way too, believe me. But I think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself. And like you said you want him to want to get married not feel pressured into it. I think you should discuss it with him, but I wouldn’t bring up the wedding timeline/family vaca/pregnant friends because it’s kind of putting the horse before the cart. I know it doesn’t seem like it now because you’re focused on the wedding, but being engaged and enjoying that is important too IMO. My advice would be to try to take one thing at a time and enjoy what’s happening now instead of being focused on the next step. 🙂
Post # 8
I would definitely say something. He can’t read your mind and sometimes, it doesn’t dawn on guys how things affect us until we bring it up. Just let it naturally come up in conversation (even with some prodding, you can bring up a related topic and then transition to this topic) instead of saying “We need to talk” which might put him on the automatic offensive.
Post # 9
I would be just direct with your guy, in a calm, but firm way. Discuss your concerns about setting your date and the amount of time you BOTH need to plan (I am a great believer the groom should have his say to in all the planning)
Only he can tell you the answer, or you may find youll be walking up the aisle with nobody waiting at the top for you..
Post # 10
Personally, instead of using the phrase, “I wanna talk to you about something,” I say, “Question.” I use it with everything. Ex. “Question, where did I put my keys?” “Question, where do you see us going?” Puts him less on edge. But that’s just me.
On another note: Talk to him. Talking about a timing concern isn’t naggy. It’s smart. Good luck!
Post # 11
@claireos: Ooooh! Nice strategy. I like the “Question….” approach. How much wine is acceptable to drink before that?