Of course you are going to stay with him. That is part of the abuse cycle. You have to try, try, try until the last ounce of energy is wrung out of you. So while most of us can see the final destination on the road you are traveling on, I understand that you must travel it to. So let’s just make sure you stay smart as you do, okay?
1) If you can, move out. As a PP mentioned, you SO needs time to focus and work on himself. Having the daily give and take of a relationship is not good for that. If you can’t move out, try to spend time apart from him. Take a class, use MeetUp, reach out and make friends at work and go out to dinner and a movie with them. BTW- if he accuses you of cheating because you want to make friends–red flag! Bonus of making friends, if your relationship goes south, you have a couch to sleep on.
2) Get into individual counseling, both of you. Once you have dealt with some personal stuff, then get into couples couseling. (and be very very aware that abusers are MASTERS of twisting thing around in couples counseling!)
3) Make sure you have birth control–use 2 forms if you can. You do NOT want to have a child with this guy. I would not put it past an abuser to sabotage BC (to keep you trapped), so an IUD + condom would be ideal.
4) Put a key stroke logger on his computer. Only you have access to check what he is typing. (If you can put kids monitoring software on there to see his history)
5) Get the password on his phone and phone carrier online account. You can check his phone for texts *and* track how many messages he is sending. If he is deleting texts–red flag!
6) No talk about future, marriage, kids–EVER. Something goes haywire in a female’s brain when we hear Marriage…Kids. We CANNOT think straight. I know too many women who get seduced by a guy who says “I want to marry you!” and their brain shuts off and they dont evaluate the guy very carefully. Then a few days, weeks, months, years (and a couple of kids) they think, how the F^ck did I get here with *him*??
7) His password to all his accounts–FB, tumbler, twitter, email and this site he keeps going to.
If he agrees to all of these things willingly and lovingly, then and only then does your relationship have a chance. If he balks at any of it, then he doesnt want to change and is just trying to play the game enough to keep you around.
PS- one thing to keep in mind that some, not all, but some guys when they are losing control over you, will sometimes lash out physically. I know you cant beleive that your SO would ever do that, but everyone thinks that until it happens. So keep a spare car key somewhere outside your house, leave some cash and credit cards in your car and memorize important phone number in case he keeps your phone.