(Closed) SO commenting on random women's photos. [Warning: Long]

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 196
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Whitetail Ridge

After cheating on you first and foremost, along with emotional abuse and manipulation, I’d say it’s a no brainer to leave. You don’t owe this man anything. You’re not married, you don’t have children with him. Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this, and you deserve something that will make you happy. There are so many red flags that you seem to be ignoring. At some point I really hope that you can see this for what it is and realize that you deserve so much better than you’re allowing yourself right now.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  CEM16.
Post # 197
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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esk716:  This was what I was thinking.

I also wanted to add that the whole “they’re not really going to kill themselves if they tell someone about it” belief is a huge myth and it could cost lives. You(people in general) have NO idea what is going on in a suicidal person’s thought process. It’s very dangerous and foolish to make assumptions. My loved told me she was going to kill herself, explained to me how she was going to do it, and then stayed true to her word as soon as she hung up the phone. All of us involved were dealing with her suicide threats for ages, and we always acted on them quickly because you just never know if someone is serious or not.

As esk716 said, someone should always call the police! You are never bothering someone or doing something wrong to report a suicide threat. You could be saving a life.

Post # 198
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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BeeWithNoName:  Of course you are going to stay with him. That is part of the abuse cycle. You have to try, try, try until the last ounce of energy is wrung out of you. So while most of us can see the final destination on the road you are traveling on, I understand that you must travel it to. So let’s just make sure you stay smart as you do, okay?

1) If you can, move out. As a PP mentioned, you SO needs time to focus and work on himself. Having the daily give and take of a relationship is not good for that. If you can’t move out, try to spend time apart from him. Take a class, use MeetUp, reach out and make friends at work and go out to dinner and a movie with them. BTW- if he accuses you of cheating because you want to make friends–red flag! Bonus of making friends, if your relationship goes south, you have a couch to sleep on. 

2) Get into individual counseling, both of you. Once you have dealt with some personal stuff, then get into couples couseling. (and be very very aware that abusers are MASTERS of twisting thing around in couples counseling!)

3) Make sure you have birth control–use 2 forms if you can. You do NOT want to have a child with this guy. I would not put it past an abuser to sabotage BC (to keep you trapped), so an IUD + condom would be ideal.

4) Put a key stroke logger on his computer. Only you have access to check what he is typing. (If you can put kids monitoring software on there to see his history)

5) Get the password on his phone and phone carrier online account. You can check his phone for texts *and* track how many messages he is sending. If he is deleting texts–red flag!

6) No talk about future, marriage, kids–EVER. Something goes haywire in a female’s brain when we hear Marriage…Kids. We CANNOT think straight. I know too many women who get seduced by a guy who says “I want to marry you!” and their brain shuts off and they dont evaluate the guy very carefully. Then a few days, weeks, months, years (and a couple of kids) they think, how the F^ck did I get here with *him*??

7) His password to all his accounts–FB, tumbler, twitter, email and this site he keeps going to.

 

If he agrees to all of these things willingly and lovingly, then and only then does  your relationship have a chance. If he balks at any of it, then he doesnt want to change and is just trying to play the game enough to keep you around. 

PS- one thing to keep in mind that some, not all, but some guys when they are losing control over you, will sometimes lash out physically. I know you cant beleive that your SO would ever do that, but everyone thinks that until it happens. So keep a spare car key somewhere outside your house, leave some cash and credit cards in your car and memorize important phone number in case he keeps your phone. 

Post # 199
Member
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I agree that OP needs to take immediate action when SO threatens suicide. I originally said tell his family right away, with the assumption being that help would be called  and the situation dealt with  immediately without her,  but PP are correct that on the off chance this is real,  even that  could be too little, too late.  Whether or not it’s a manipulation tactic, it’s something that ought to considered  a true emergency. 

Post # 200
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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BeeWithNoName:  

I know you have had a lot of comments on this issue… but I wanted to offer my similar experience.

I was with my ex for 4 years… we had talked about marriage and babies, and it was all moving in that direction. Through out the relationship I caught him in little white lies but didn’t think anything of it as they weren’t significant. Then one day I went on to his computer to get some pictures of us (I was making him an anniversary gift, photo album of us) and I found these links to dating websites, as well as conversations with numerous women and naked pictures. As well as pictures and e-mails from his ‘friend’ from high school saying similar things… he wishes he was with her and so on.

I knew he would deny it, reflecting back if I would mention anything about not trusting his friend he would be very defensive and make me feel bad for not trusting him. I was an overly trusting girlfriend… obviously to a fault, so I would put it out of my head and move on… I wish I didn’t do that.

To make a long story short, I confronted him… and he STILL denied it… even though I had all of the proof! (I even found secret e-mails and another FB account… he was busy!)

He didn’t have sex with anyone else, but I came to learn he was dating someone! They went on 3 or 4 dates and kissed a few times. To me that was worse than having a one night stand… he was building emotional relationships with other women. Eventually I figured out he never really wanted to marry me… he just didn’t want to be alone… he had a lot of self-esteem issues (sound familiar?). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I completely up rooted the life we built and moved out.

I focussed on myself for the next year, being healthy, hanging out with friends. Then started to date again, I met my current Fiance and I could not imagine my life with out him. He treats me with love and respect and I’ve NEVER worried about him, or caught him doing any shadey things.

My advice, there is someone out there better for you! I know what you’re going through and the love of your life doesn’t make you feel like you feel right now. It’s time to move on.

Post # 201
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Whitetail Ridge

 

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BeeWithNoName:  Any updates on this? Hope everything is okay!

Post # 202
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

OP, hope you’re doing ok!

Post # 204
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

“At this point, I’m definitely thinking less “I need to fix things” and more “he needs to show me why I should keep this relationship in my life”.

<br /><br />You’re absolutely right about that. It’s completely 100% on him now to prove to you that he is not a complete waste of your time. That includes no more flirting or commenting on other women’s photos online or any kind of “sexting” or bullshit of that nature; no more suicide threats and childish drama; no more turning disagreements back around on you and blaming; no more baseless accusations or stonewalling or general negativity towards you.

Do I feel that the guy can or will change? No; however, please promise yourself this..that if he EVER goes back on ANY of the things I just mentioned or shows that he simply isn’t going to change, that you will walk finally put your foot down the moment he does it and walk out that door and never look back. Please, for your sake.

Post # 206
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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BeeWithNoName:  Your SO definitely needs individual counseling to work on his issues – namely his depression, suicide threats, and his emotionally abusive behaviors. These are serious issues, and he can’t deal with them on his own – he needs professional help. 

Do not go to couples counseling until you are satisfied he recognizes, takes responsibility for, apologizes PROFUSELY for, and commits to change his abusive behavior. DO NOT go to couples counseling with an abuser, it will make things worse. IF, and only if, he makes genuine progress in improving himself, and sticks with it, should you even for a second maybe possibly consider couples counseling.

As he is now, he is too volatile and emotionally unstable to be able to handle couple’s counseling. And you have to consider – HE is the one who is the problem in the relationship, not you. HIS problems are the root of the issues your relationship faces. You can go to all the couples counseling sessions you want, but if HE doesnt fix HIS problems, nothing will change. This is why he needs individual counseling. His problems need to be totally fixed, or at least well on their way to being so, before you can actually start dealing with the problems in your relationship in counseling.

Give yourself a date by which you have to decide whether to stay or go based on his behavior, his commitment to therapy, and his success/failure – and if you aren’t 150% confident in your SO, your relationship, yourself, and his commitment to change, you shouldn’t stay. If you decide that this relationship with him is what you want, and you are 200% satisfied with his progress, then work on the relationship. 

Keep loving yourself OP 🙂 you got this!!

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