So Confused!!

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

beebee123 :  What has he been doing to make you think he isn’t excited/ doesn’t want to get married?

You told him two separate times you weren’t sure you wanted to get married, you have to see his side in this.  What if he told you that a month before the wedding? How you were like friends not partners? He has a lot to process at the minute. 

Post # 3
2801 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I understand you being worried about him breaking up with you again, so go back and think about what lead to those breakups. Were the issues truly resolved or were they swept under the rug? You say you expect him to be excited about the wedding, but many guys just don’t get into that sort of thing. My husband was actually really nervous about the ceremony part with all eyes on him, but he was really open about being excited to be getting married, which was the most important part. I can see why he’s upset that you’ve been pulling away so close to the wedding. I don’t think he is handling the situation the right way,  but you can’t fault him for being upset either. 

Post # 4
7080 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

While I think giving you the silent treatment is immature, I also think you dropped a lot on him. I would have been devestated to hear my fiancé say he was having doubts and didn’t think I was excited enough just one month before the wedding. At this point I’m sure he’s worried you are going to call the whole thing off.

Why do you think he isn’t excited? Why do you feel like you are more like friends than partners? Were the reasons you broke up before resolved? Did you do any pre-marital counseling?

Post # 5
800 posts
Busy bee

Is there any way you can postpone the wedding? If he’s never been excited about marriage and you are feeling nervous and feel like you’re just waiting for him to break up with you again, I definitely wouldn’t get married right away. Besides that, it worries me that you can’t communicate with each other and that he’s giving you the silent treatment. I would tread carefully and definitely consider seeing a counselor before getting married. 

Post # 6
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

Listen to your gut and postpone the wedding. A shitty relationship makes for a shitty marriage.

Why did you break up twice before? Do you truly feel more like friends than partners?

Post # 7
4471 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

beebee123 :  Here’s the thing — your reaction when picking up your veil is far from normal.  You were freaking out and “not yourself”, stressed and depressed.  Depressed.  Because you are getting married.  That is NOT a normal reaction.  Sure, people often will think “dang, this is happening!”, but that’s not what it sounds like your reaction was at all.

You also say it’s hard for you to open up to him.  Why?  My husband is my biggest supporter and he honestly has seen me at my absolute worst.  I have always felt comfortable opening up to him.  Always.  I’ve never been afraid of how he would respond because I know he loves me and he is there for me every single day.

In addition…you have broken up multiple times in your relationship.  Multiple times.  Why is that?  A strong relationship doesn’t result in breakups.  It changes the dynamic of the relationship.  It sounds like you are afraid of what is to come with this impending marriage because of that.

There are so many red flags in this post and I don’t think you are doing yourself any favors by proceeding with your upcoming marriage.  It sounds like there has been a lot of turmoil in the relationship and marriage is not going to fix that.  Listen to your gut.

Post # 8
5182 posts
Bee Keeper

beebee123 :  Breaking up twice?  I don’t think I would stay with someone who is that unpredictable.

Post # 9
3435 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with LMJ – this whole situation sounds like one big hot mess. Your gut is clearly telling you not to move forward with the relationship. Some level of anxiety is normal before a wedding, but recurrent fits of depression and crippling nervousness? Total lack of excitement (from your FI)? This stuff is not normal.

I feel like the root of your anxiety is a fear that your FI will leave you again, as he’s done twice before. With the wedding quickly approaching, these fears are understandably becoming magnified. Craving reassurance from him that he’ll never leave you again, you open up to him about your concerns. But instead of giving you the loving support you need, your FI grows even colder in response to your breakdowns, making you feel even less secure.

You guys just aren’t speaking the same language here. It’s a communication failure but it’s also a sign that the relationship is not secure. Your relationship, and certianly your marriage (!!) should be a source of security and stability in your life, not a source of uncertainty and anxiety. 

I think you never got over the previous breakups (and I don’t blame you). but you need to sort through your feelings and insecurities about that before you get married. I would postpone at the very minimum.

Post # 10
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Men can and do feel excited for weddings. My brother was super excited when he got married. My FI is excited now. I know several other men who were excited for marriage. In fact, I only know of one who wasn’t, and I found out later his now wife pressured him into it, so who knows how that will work out. I see that as a major red flag. The fact that he’s left you twice, is also a red flag. Finally, the fact that you have doubts, and he’s not being reassuring is a red flag.

It’s easier to break up than to get divorced. But none of it is easy. 🙁 I hope everything works out, but there definitely needs to be more communication before you decide what you’re going to do.

Post # 11
5067 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

beebee123 :  If you plan to continue moving forward, you need premarital counseling immediately.  You need to make sure past reasons for breakups have been resolved.  You need to figure out how to make the relationship seem more like love and less like buddies.  You need to learn to communicate without dropping bombs on people and he needs to learn to respond without shutting you out.

Personally, I wouldn’t go back to someone who had dumped me (twice) ever.  But you have and there must be a reason for it.  I can also see where you have basically told him you feel like just friends and you don’t think this marriage will work out.  He’s got a lot to think about now and he might be having some serious difficulty articulating how you just made him feel (also twice!).  If I were him I’d be rethinking my future plans for sure at this point and I’m not sure I’d be able to speak successfully for awhile – not intentionally ignoring, but knowing if I opened my mouth I’d burst into tears or yell or something.

Regarding excitement, you can’t change how a person responds to things in general.  Excitement isn’t even a word that crossed my mind as my wedding got close, though people asked if I was.  I’m more day to day so no, I wasn’t excited.  Looking forward to it, yes.  Bursting at the seams? not at all.  If my husband had told me then that he was getting worried because of that, I’d be in shock.  Luckily he’s just as bad as I am and I’m pretty sure most of his excitement stemmed from being with family; he was really nervous about the actual event since he doesn’t like the attention.

Summing up: premarital counseling, possibly postpone awhile.  You both have issues that need to be resolved before you are married.

Post # 12
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You should not get married with this much doubt, regardless of how your FI behaves. 

Having divorced family members is not an excuse to be so doubtful about getting married. Basically everyone in my family has been divorced (some several times) and I still did not doubt marrying my husband. You are feeling doubt for a reason, maybe that’s because you don’t trust him to stay since he’s broken up with you twice, I wouldn’t blame you for that one. 

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